Holidays can be fun, but they also generate stress with the extra activities, the entertaining, and the extra expenses. For victims of domestic violence of any kind (verbal, emotional, physical or sexual) the holidays can be extra tough.
What does one do with bad holiday memories in the season that suggests that everyone should be happy and share in joyful family events? How do you handle it? What can you do when you feel more like crying than celebrating?
These are real and painful questions. There is pressure to have a Rockwell image Christmas with lots of warm family togetherness—but it isn’t always the way things really are. Sometimes old memories blot out the present.
I believe we can improve our holidays even while we are engaged in the process of healing from abuse. We can take actions, such as any of the following suggestions: 1. Take a Break If you can, give yourself the gift of a break from counseling until after the holidays. If you are in crisis, then keep on going and reward yourself for attending. Go to a park or take a hike or visit an art museum. Do whichever calms you. 2. Get your Heart Pumping Include a time most days to exercise. It will release endorphins that will lift your mood. Plus, as an added bonus, it will help your body burn those calories from holiday sweets. 3. Write Freely Use your journal when old memories come up. Honor your feelings by recording them. Let your writing be uncensored. Journaling can help your process your thoughts and release your emotions all at the same time. 4. Find Fellowship Share with a trusted person what you are going through. Let another see your pain. It really will help. Absorb the kindness, understanding, and caring that you receive. Let it sink in. Allow yourself to be comforted in your pain, knowing that talking and being heard will bring you further along in your healing. 5. Create Fun Make time for your hobby or watch comedy movies. Doing something you enjoy will refresh and strengthen you. Do not consider this a waste of time—it isn’t. Don’t save it for last all the time—sometimes play first makes work happen at a more efficient pace.
May your holidays include restorative moments. May God help you to feel His presence during the season of celebrating the good news that Jesus Christ lived, died, and rose up to live again so that we might be reconciled to God. Hallelujah!
Do healthy things, dear Reader, it will reap so many benefits that will reap so many benefits that will encourage your heart. Let’s give Jesus our hearts and our healing process this holiday season.
Years ago, I wrapped an empty shoebox in birthday paper and cut a slit opening on the top. Its tag read: To Jesus Christ.
My idea was twofold. The box under our Christmas tree would help our children grasp that it was the coming of Christ as a baby that we were celebrating. And the slit on the top would be for index cards. Each Christmas, each family member has written a phrase on the card about what they'd like to give to their Lord the following year and put it into the box.
I already know what I will write on this year's card. I will give my Lord my willingness to continue to do whatever it takes to further my healing from childhood incest. The work is painful, and sometimes I feel like calling it quits. But I will press on, knowing that it is the right time-- the God-blessed time for me to heal.
I look forward to when my memories won't haunt me. When I won't feel shame at being noticed in any public setting. When I won't crave and then push away from a deeper connection with people due to trust and shame issues. It will be so good to look at others without shame and to trust trustworthy people with confidence.
How about you? What would you like to give to Jesus Christ in 2010? Is it going to be a year of continued healing from abuse?
Whatever season you are in, remember that Immanuel (meaning God with us) is with you. He knows. He cares. He can help you. He can empower you by the Holy Spirit to do healing things that may seem impossible to you. He can do more than we even dare to imagine.
We all agree that domestic violence is wrong. It is a tragedy that effects way too many homes. But what can any one of us do about it?
I think we can do more than we might guess. Those of us who have been there are positioned better than anyone else to offer understanding and encouragement to women and men who are still trapped in homes that are ongoing nightmares of verbal, emotional, or physical abuse. Acknowledging our own past abuse story is painful, but it may be just what another needs to hear.
Here is a list of ideas on how any one of us might be able to make a difference: --Call 9-1-1 if we hear a domestic violence situation at a neighbor's home --Invite another out for a cup of coffee or a lunch, if they have indicated that they are having marital problems. Listen. Share honestly from your own experiences. --Encourage your pastor to address domestic violence in a sermon. --Share your testimony of your past and how God helped you--it is a story that glorifies God and may help another to seek help. --Donate money &/or time at a domestic violence shelter. --Post a shelter magnet on your refrigerator. --Keep shelter information in your wallet so that you can pass it on when an opportunity presents itself --Pray for those who are feeling fear in their own home. --Pray for children who are witnessing abuse or being abused themselves. --Hold a fund raising project for your local shelter. --Speak up when you hear someone verbally bashing another. --Write a letter to your editor when there is a news story about another victim of spousal homicide. --Ask direct questions when another hints about abuse. --Teach your children how to live Jesus' way. --Don't allow sexist jokes in your home. --Teach your children to respect other people's boundaries. --Never pass up a chance to pray for someone who is hurting. --Join a national abuse prevention organization. --Respond with warmth and sensitivity any time someone shares about abuse. --Pray asking God to use you however He wants to, and see what happens.
Loving lives lived authentically and transparently make a mighty difference in this world. Jesus said that we are shining lights. So let's do some shining, right where we are.
Whenever I talk to someone who has recently separated from an abusive partner, I encourage them to make lists as soon as possible. Having thoughts written down while they are fresh can be a powerful motivator. Just the act of recording information onto paper can clarify our thinking and solidify our resolve.
First, list all of the reasons why you decided it was time to separate. Write down specific incidents and specific feelings. Write down the specifics about things your spouse has said and done. Write down your fears about what might happen if you were ever to return. Write down why this is a positive move for your children (or future children). Write down what hurts about the relationship.
Second, list all the fears you have about leaving, and then write down why you are moving forward despite your fears.
Third, list all your desires for the future. Write what changes you would need to ever return to your spouse.
Finally, list who you want to be, regardless of the outcome with your marriage.
These writing exercises will help you to clarify things. In the future, when you may be tempted to return to the abuser prematurely, re-reading the list can strengthen you.
For those readers who ended abuse a long time ago, allowing yourself to remember why you took action when you did is sure to fill you with gratitude for all that the Lord has done in your life since that time. Little did you know at the time that one of the my most painful decisions in your life would lead to a fulfilling life. Joy and peace seemed impossible then, but now that you are free from abuse and walking in freedom with your Savior--joy and peace are welcome gifts that grace your life in a way that just wasn't possible when you were oppressed by domestic violence.
Abuse is horrid. Period. But thinking of my thanksgivings, I am grateful for the beautiful people who emerge from the healing process. I am grateful for their strength and their compassion for others. They are people anyone would want to be friends with--loving people who walk closely with their deliverer. They are beacons of hope.
Abuse attempts to destroy, but God redeems and restores.
Shine brightly, sisters and brothers. Today is a new day with our Lord who is good and wise. Our healing journey is in His capable hands.
When you're ankle-deep in the junk of abuse, you don't feel like rejoicing. Looking at the evil things in this life is painful. Sometimes, it feels like others think you should get over abuse violations in about a week. Which is totally unrealistic.
Please note that I am not telling you in this post to "get over it" or to paste a fake smile on your face.
Photo by Steve Johnson
Addressing memories of abuse is important for good mental and physical health. It is not fun, but it is important. However, past abuse does not need to be a twenty-four hours a day preoccupation. One good way to maintain balance while working through bad memories and difficult counseling sessions is to make an extra effort to practice gratitude.
Look for positive moments in your day. Take the time to notice how God blesses you and give him a quick thanks. Simple things like sparkling snow-covered bushes, an encouraging phone call, or laughter with one of your children count. Be on the lookout; I know you'll find things.
Create positive moments. Give a smile, a friendly wave, or a hug to express gratitude to the people in your life. Say, "thank you" to anyone who serves you in any way today.
As you attend to your emotional and physical needs, thank your Creator for your emotions and body. As you eat, thank Him for the provision of food. As you drive, thank God for your vehicle, or as you ride the bus, thank Him for public transportation.
If you're blue about your past, try grounding yourself in the present by saying thank you to each person in your life whom you love. If it's an especially bad day, express gratitude to God for the mundane things you take for granted, like your hairbrush, your ability to walk, or the way clouds look in the sky.
Please notice that I am not telling you to say thank you for the abuse. Sometimes, Christians think they have to. I think this is a misunderstanding of an important verse in which Paul encourages believers to rejoice in all things (Philippians 4:4). He could rejoice that he escaped after being left for dead at his stoning; he could rejoice about having a relationship with Christ Jesus while he was in prison, and he could rejoice when his plans were thwarted because he knew the Holy Spirit was in charge. He didn't rejoice because he was a masochist, but because He fully trusted in God, he knew that no matter what happened next, God would be with Him. And we can do the same.
At this time, I'm thanking God for the fall sunshine, a quiet house, and my comfortable office chair. And I am thanking Him for the healing work He is doing in your life and mine.
Abuse is not about you. You did not deserve it or cause it.
If you've been recovering from abuse for any length of time, you know this. At least you know it in your head. If you know it deep in your heart, you've been in the healing process for awhile.
Unfortunately, society doesn't help you get these truths. People say things like, "You seem like a nice person, so what did you do to get him so upset?" or "You're pretty and smart; it is hard to understand why he did that!" As if women who aren't as sweet, pretty, or smart deserve to be abused physically, sexually, or emotionally. And, as if men or children would never abused by women.
Photo by Photo By: Kaboompics.com: https://www.pexels.com
Once, I was in a restaurant on Christmas Eve. A disheveled woman came in and frantically fumbled with the pay phone on the wall (this was before cell phones). She started putting coins in and frantically called, "Does anyone have a dime? I've got to make this call! My husband's going to kill me!"
She had everyone's attention. No one was eating or talking anymore.
I searched my purse and then nudged my husband.
He made no move.
I hissed, "I know you've got change. Please give it to her." I had to nudge him again, but then my husband, who was big-boned and 8 inches taller than most men, got up and gave her the money.
Just as he was returning to our table, a man came in and grabbed the woman by her hair and slammed her head against the wall, saying, "Enough, B-----. You're coming home where you belong." He looked at my husband in a challenge.
It shocked me that no one else was doing anything. I stood with my cheeks flaming. I was so embarrassed that there were at least ten able-bodied men who were not moving and three other women who weren't responding outwardly.
My husband said, "Hey, man. Take it outside. You shouldn't be doing that here."
As if doing it elsewhere was fine.
In hindsight, I wish I had done more. I wish I had passionately implored those shocked, passive people to get up and restrain the man until the police came. I wish I had tried to interfere physically if necessary. I wish I had said something to the woman that would help her battered spirit.
There was so much I did not yet understand about abuse.
Today, I want to urge all abused women to get help. Pray to God and then talk to people. There is hope. There is help. You do not earn or deserve the abuse, no matter what your abuser has told you. Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1−800−799−SAFE(7233)) for help from people who can listen and direct you to local help.
Today, I want to urge all those who are recovering from abuse to reject the lies your abuser(s) told you. Reject the false accusations, the name-calling, and the devaluing words. Refuse to accept the insidious implications, the condescending looks, and the sarcastic evaluations. Recite to yourself important, true words. You are valuable. You do have a purpose. You are lovable. You are precious to the Creator of the Universe. You did not cause abuse. You did not deserve the torture you survived. If your mind is arguing against such truths, keep persevering in healthy, healing activities--better tomorrows are ahead.
Feelings can be so overwhelming. They can engulf thinking and feel too big, much too big. Too big to survive even, like a raging flood that destroys all in its path.
I have come such a long way in accepting feelings. I don’t live each day in a dark cloud of denial. I no longer keep lots of secrets from others and from myself.
I name feelings now and take a look at them. I can say that I feel confused, angry, disappointed, joyful, etc. I can acknowledge the emotions and allow myself to feel. I can decide what I want to do as a result such as celebrate the joy or cry the grief. I remember when I was totally numb for years and feel no desire to return there.
And yet, there are still days when I don’t want to feel. I have been working through long denied feelings surrounding the incest I suffered as a young child. I don’t like recalling the terror I felt. It feels huge. I don’t like remembering how I feared I might die. I don’t like thinking about how much I hated my dad when he was hurting me and using me. I don’t like remembering how I crawled under my bed or hid in a closet to hide from him. It is so uncomfortable to think back. There is a reason that I pushed all those memories down for so many years! I didn’t want to drown in the raging flood of emotions that felt way too big for a little girl and still hurt as a grown up woman.
I am looking at the feelings, knowing that it is part of a healing process. I’ve walked this same road with other issues from my childhood and my young adult years. I know that the fruit of facing the old shame is new life. I know that I will enjoy life more and live more freely after I face my pile of uncomfortable feelings.
But some days, it still feels almost impossible. The pain feels bigger than me. On those days, I tend to overeat or to eat forbidden allergy foods. I eat and feel a little better. Some endorphins bring temporary relief to the pain. I don’t like it for long though. It feels like I am copping out by hiding behind food and I don’t like how it causing me to gain weight.
I have been assured by other incest survivors that such pain is normal and that overeating is one of the typical coping behaviors. It helps to hear it.
And yet, I wonder if I would overeat if I did a better job at trusting God completely through this healing process. If I totally believed that He could carry me through this healing process would I seek comfort from a chocolate bar or a fudge sundae? What would happen if I asked God to comfort me and help me each time I feared drowning in tears? What if I were that trusting, knowing that He would comfort me and understand me? What if I believed enough to rely only on him? What if?
I want to grow into a woman of ever deeper faith and trust. God has been so good to me, over and over again. I know that he is compassionate and loving.I want to seek his mercy when I am in need of healing like the two blind men in the Bible who followed Jesus “calling out, "Have mercy on us, Son of David!" When he had gone indoors, the blind men came to him, and he asked them, "Do you believe that I am able to do this?" "Yes, Lord," they replied. Then he touched their eyes and said, "According to your faith will it be done to you"; and their sight was restored” Matthew 9:27-29.
God is able. Healing is easy for Him. He cares about each person’s problems.
I believe he can help me with the flooding emotions of old trauma. I am going to practice turning to Him more regularly and celebrate the times that I do it.
If you are a reader who has gone through this journey of facing difficult memories too, God bless you for your courage and perseverance. It is a long journey of healing--but a rewarding one.
One of the problems I've encountered as I reclaim life after abuse is unconscious manipulation. I learned some bad habits while living in dysfunction and abuse. Bad? Well, at the very least, they are habits that served a purpose formerly but now they interfere with intimacy in my most cherished relationships.
In an abusive situation, the person who wields power almost always gets his/her own way. We know that. We lived it. The bully got his/her way. Period. Or so it seemed.
In reality, the victim also got her/his way sometimes. Not with demands. Not with threats. Not with compromising or bartering.
Someone who has no visible power in a relationship has to use indirect and passive things to influence outcomes. She lies or omits information to influence the abuser's perceptions. He works slowly and poorly to urge the abuser to do something herself. She suggests a particular action, coating it in flattery or in self-belittling terms, so the abuser can easily claim the palatable idea as his own. She asks a question, not because she doesn't know the answer, but so the abuser can realize something. He agrees to do something and then "accidentally" breaks the tools or cannot begin because he "cannot find" what is needed.
We all want our way sometimes. It is human to want what we want. But I don't want to be manipulative. I want to continue learning the tools of equality. I want to believe, really believe, that I have the power to ask for my needs directly. I want to show my intelligence, without feeling that I must tone it down or hide it. I want to tell an important fact in a way that alerts the other that I am saying something true and important. I want make requests, without battling false guilt and shame-ruled embarrassment. I want to honestly state wants as well as needs.
I want to shed being a martyr or manipulator forever. The effort continues. It isn't easy to change lifetime habits, but change I must, for I deeply want the end result. But I am recognizing more quickly the times when I slip into indirect terminology or manipulative language. I am acknowledging why I do it. I am practicing saying things that are revolutionary for me. Things like, "Would you...", "I want...", "I need...", and "I like..."
If you can relate, I'd love to read your comments.
I was totally numb and shut down the day I was raped as a teenager. I couldn't think clearly. I could barely function. I went as usual to my water safety instructor class as usual--but got sent home as "ill" because I was not present mentally and had merely said I don't feel well when questioned.
By the next evening at bedtime, however, my emotions were screaming inside my head. I felt frantic one moment and then angry, despairing, and overwhelmed in other moments. I desperately prayed to God, asking him desperate things. I wanted God to turn back the clock and rescue me, I wanted Him to just take me up to heaven, I wanted Him to show me what to do next.
God didn't say yes to any of those requests. But He brought to mind a poem I had only read one time in a gift shop, the Footprints in the Sand poem:
Footprints in the Sand
One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord. Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky. In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand. Sometimes there were two sets of footprints, other times there was one only. This bothered me because I noticed that during the low periods of my life, when I was suffering from anguish, sorrow or defeat, I could see only one set of footprints, so I said to the Lord, “You promised me Lord, that if I followed you, you would walk with me always. But I have noticed that during the most trying periods of my life there has only been one set of footprints in the sand. Why, when I needed you most, have you not been there for me?” The Lord replied, “The years when you have seen only one set of footprints, my child, is when I carried you.”
I don't memorize things quickly, yet the poem came to my mind almost word for word perfectly that night when I was seventeen.
I heard God in my heart reassuring me with the words, and then the Holy Spirit reminded me of Jesus' words in Matthew 28:20: "And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age." Then, I felt God's presence holding me until I finally fell asleep. From that day on, I've known deep in my soul that Jesus is faithful to His Promise. He is with us always. No matter how confused, stressed, or abandoned we might feel in crisis. He is Immanuel, God with us. We have a loving, eternal traveling companion who carries us whenever needed.
We human beings are pros at blaming. It comes easy. Adam and Eve blamed one another without hesitation. So who do we blame?
Whose fault is it that we have been mistreated, harmed, and abused? Who do we blame for the emotional, physical, and spiritual damage? Who do we blame for the fear that choked us and the helplessness that overpowered us?
Photo by Ismael Sánchez
Many of us who are survivors of abuse blame ourselves and/or God much more quickly than we think to blame the person who perpetrated the crimes against us. Strange, isn't it. But, nonetheless, many of us walk around with shame or bitterness tattooed on our foreheads. Not concretely, but oh so present.
If shame owns us, we are always blaming ourselves for everything. We feel inadequate, never enough. We are surprised if anyone seems to like us. We hide. We isolate. We try to disappear or miss being noticed. We are embarrassed when we are noticed, surly there has been a mistake or we will be found insufficient. We struggle to believe that we have any worth, any value, and/or lovableness.
If bitterness owns us, we are antagonistic toward God, and often toward people. We are suspicious, sure that there is always a catch, always a punishment coming, always a disappointment around the corner. We are cynical. We sneer, even if only in our minds. We distrust. We count on problems, and plenty come our way. We struggle to pray. Sometimes anger just pours out of us in a gush. We don't understand why and we dismiss it as irrelevant or justified. We struggle to believe that we truly are enough.
If both own us, we are hurting horribly in a way that no one gets. No one is there for us, not really. No one understands. We are drowning.
All three ways are painful. Blame boomerangs with a loud whack. It beats at us. It hurts us more than the party we want to blame.
Blame demands that the terrible results are someone's fault. Staying stuck on pinning blame is easier than feeling the pain itself. It is easier than consciously living through the terrible results we bear, and easier than processing the losses. But easier isn't always better, is it.
Let's try something different. Let's seek God's help to face our pain, to name our losses, to see who we've blamed, to engage in the healing process, and to move on. Let's not allow past abuse define who we are. Let's grow and overcome!
Stressful! There is no better word for describing how it feels to parent a child in a violence -effected home.
What is the best way to be a good parent when your spouse is spinning out of control, doing and saying things that are not good parenting? What do you do when your child behaves violently and justifies, "But Daddy/Mommy does it"? The other parent does do it, but you don't want your child to grow up like that other parent. You don't want domestic violence perpetuated down into the next generation.
I remember feeling so confused, once I realized that the children were being negatively impacted by my spouses' tantrums. I wanted my children being nurtured in a loving environment. I wanted them corrected in a wise and loving manner. I wanted our home to be a safe place. I did not want them being abused!
At the same time, I felt the pressure of conventional wisdom that good Christians never divorce. I believed that keeping the family together was of paramount importance, no matter what.
I spent years convinced that my husband and I must work through "our problems" and victoriously build a godly home, no matter what my spouse's problems were. Over and over I heard in my head "for better or worse" and "in sickness or in health." I reached the point of knowing I was experiencing the worst part as emotional abuse became daily and physical abuse was peppered in here and there. So how was I supposed to fulfill my marriage vows and be a good parent? Due to domestic violence, the two goals were not compatible. They simply were not.
It's a difficult place to be in. Between a rock and a hard place doesn't do justice. It feels like being crushed between a mountain and a huge bulldozer. My heart goes out to anyone who is currently wrestling with the painful pressure. I urge anyone who is currently being abused (regardless of whether or not she/he believes the children are also being abused) to seek help from a domestic violence organization ( National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-7233). Children cannotrescue themselves from abuse or from the negative effects of witnessing abuse--they need adult help.
For those of us who have been there but now live abuse-free lives-- we have guilt issues to deal with, don't we! No matter how we resolved the conflict, we struggle with or have struggled with self-incrimination.
I realized that the most loving thing I could do for my spouse was to confront all the abuse with a non-verbal ultimatum, moving away from our home with the children. It was also the most loving thing I could figure out to do for my children. I left with the children to keep them safe and filed for a separation, and then later filed for divorce. I did it all hoping with all my might that my husband would get the help he needed--so we, eventually, could be a family under one roof again. The doors to reuniting, however, repeatedly closed and we divorced. The marriage was not saved, but I created a non-abusive home for my children and a permanent restraining order worked to keep my former spouse from continuing to abuse the children on his parenting visits.
I am glad that I made those decisions. But when guilt attacks I feel regretful that I didn't take action sooner:
I regret that I didn't leave the abusive environment in the six years before we had children. If I had only know how things would just keep on getting worse...
I regret that one of my children had her arm injured by her raging father and that during the divorce process I learned that it had happened more than once. I felt horrible when I found out that she had silently witnessed spousal abuse while hiding behind a living room chair.
I regret that another child was choked by his father, and again I learned that it happened more than once.
I feel guilt that I suspected that someone at the daycare was mistreating him, when it was actually my spouse.
I feel guilt that I tried to never leave my children alone with their father, but I did not succeed. Sometimes, my need to refresh overrode my protective instincts and other times they were alone with him during daily life when I was in the bathroom, when my back was turned at the stove, etc.
Reader, I'm guessing that you have your own list. I have shared mine not to air dirty laundry, but to help us all know that this is a normal part of recovery. Some of our guilt is because we did something wrong, but much of our guilt is about condemning ourselves for not knowing then what we know now.
Here are some ideas that help me sort through the piles of guilt I am capable of burying myself under:
Whose voice am I listening to? Is it a former abuser or my conscience?
What did I actually do? What did I believe or think?
Did I know that it was wrong when I did it or believed it?
If I did wrong and I have confessed it to God, then I am forgiven. I merely need to remind myself that I am forgiven and move on.
If I did wrong, and just now realize it. I can confess it--and know God forgives me.
If it was really someone else who did the wrong thing in the past, I cannot change what was done. I can give a child a healthy explanation of the truth when they bring it up. I can seek counseling if a child is haunted by past trauma.
If I did wrong, but I was doing the best I could with what I understood at the time, then I need to forgive myself. I am a fallible human who makes mistakes and sins, just like everyone else. I must forgive myself so that I can graciously forgive other as well.
Don't drag around guilt continually. It won't help you or your children!
With Halloween approaching and Domestic Violence Awareness Month drawing toward its close, I want to address Satanic Ritual Abuse. I have had the privilege of knowing several courageous survivors through the years and am aware that October is an especially difficult month. So to those of you who have survived Satanic abuse, here is a poem that I hope will bring some of the peace of Christ Jesus to your wounded heart and soul:
It wasn't you who stirred up evil in parents who deprived you and abused you
No child asks for deprivation, no newborn was created for sacrifice, no teenage girl was destined for caging and public raping.
You were told horrible lies you were subjected to unspeakable miseries Your brokenness is understandable
You, dear one, were created to love and to be loved, in pure and wholesome ways
You were born to people who had sold their hearts and souls to the evil one or to parents who were captured and ensnared by his trickery.
Satan's power is real, as you well know, but there is One who is more powerful, who chooses to walk in love, who treats his children with dignity, respect, and patience in great abundance. One who is Love and Light and Life loves you and His grace can redeem even the most wretched He is compassionate
He's outraged at what happened to you! He is a safe refuge and a caring friend, who will never betray you and never abandon you.
The One who Christians call God Is good, Totally and irrevocably good, No matter what Satan may imply.
He cares about you, His love is deep and sure. Pray to God and see what happens; Read His Bible to know him better.
Flee from Satan-- Resist His lies, and ask God for help; Jesus Christ will not let you down
Times Up! is a brand new blog (http://timesupblog.blogspot.com/) I'd like to bring to your attention. I love that it will be focusing on solutions for victims of violent crime, with contributors being knowledgeable in different aspects of violent crime. What a needed site. It is my prayer that those who are suffering under an abusers control and those who are recovering from abuse will find comfort and solid help from the site. It is also my prayer that those working to help victims of domestic violence and other violent crimes will sharpen one another as they read each others' posts and visit each others' websites. I also pray that those who have power to make policies and laws will read the blog entries and be moved to improve the help that victims can receive.
I am honored to be one of the bloggers for Times Up! My "expertise" comes from my life experience, as you know if you are a regular reader of my blog. My solutions will be focused on how individuals can heal and create non-abusive homes.
My basic premise is that for every woman or man who frees her/him self from abuse and then heals from that abuse there is a whole web of other potential victims (children, grandchildren, cousins, friends, etc.) who learn an abuse-free lifestyle. Statistics show that typical victims enter more abusive relationships and expose their whole web of family and friends to more abuse. Healed and in-the-process-of-healingformer victims, however, spread non-abuse in a powerful way and end up positively impacting not only their own circle, but also acquaintances and even strangers. The light that shines from a life that was held captive and is now free is attractive, and encourages hope and courage in others!
If any of you have ideas on things that you'd like to read about and know more about, please email me at TanyaTWarrington@gmail.com, your suggestions will remain anonymous.
My first post on Times Up! (http://timesupblog.blogspot.com/) will be posted on Thursday, October 22, 2009. I hope you'll take a look at what others and myself have to say in an attempt to help with solutions.
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers" Romans 8:28-29 (NIV).
Photo by John-Mark Smith
God promises to work all things to good for Believers in Romans 8:28-29. This is quite different than saying that everything (including abuse) is good for us or happens to us for a good reason. Our society urges us to believe everything happens "for a reason," a true but vague statement meant to reassure us in dire circumstances. I encourage you to think about the reasons.
Sometimes natural events, like floods or volcanic eruptions, occur, but most of the events in our daily lives happen because people do "things."Most "things" happen because people make decisions and take actions. These actions are motivated by love or kindness and sometimes by greed or lust or any other motives we humans can conceive. Abuse "happens" when a human decides to feed his/her lust or greed by perpetrating sinful acts against an innocent person(s).
God doesn't make sinful things "happen." The God of Christianity is not a puppetmaster who continually arranges everything that happens to us for selfish, mysterious reasons. He occasionally directly intervenes in the events of history [such as when he made Balaam's donkey talk (Numbers 22:5-7) or when He parted the Red Sea for the trapped Israelites (Exodus 14:15-31)]. But for the most part, God's interventions are about transforming individual believers more into the likeness of Jesus Christ. His gentle whisper is heard. His leading as a trustworthy Shepherd is followed. His commands are obeyed. His Word is kept close in the heart. His grace is received. His love is cherished. And a life is transformed into a shining light that can influence others positively.
God promises in Romans 8 that when we are ravaged by another person's sinful choices, he will work future good out of today's tragedy. For a believer, God is present in it all, transforming the pain into a series of opportunities to know Him better and become more like Him. He comforts us in our loss. He strengthens us to recover. He leads us into a better life. He uses our past pain to give us ministry opportunities because we can comfort others with the comfort God himself gave us.
God is love. The Bible says it clearly from beginning to end. God's purpose isn't hidden. It is clearly stated over and over. He loves His people and wants an eternal, loving relationship with them. God can and sometimes does intervene in history, but it is not what he does most of the time. Most of the time, He courts us, urging us to allow Him into our hearts in good times and tragedy. Throughout our walk with Him, he works through the positive and negative experiences we have, always coaxing us to become more like our Savior in our innermost being.
If we're unsure if we are His people and can rightfully claim this promise, we are only a prayer away. God's arms are wide open and welcome, and he joyfully knocks at the door of our hearts. All we need to do is pray and ask Him to enter and become the Lord of our lives, believing that He is God and that He sent His son to die for our sins so that we can be close to Him and talk to Him whenever we want. God's kingdom is good, and all are welcome if they humbly ask.
Look for God's comforting presence. He didn't perpetrate abuse against you for unfathomable good reasons. Granted, He decided not to intervene, but it was because He knew He could redeem the situation with your willing cooperation. He knows He can help you and heal you. He knows what the enemy meant for evil, and our loving Lord will transform into something good, something redeemed, something that will reflect the glory of His Son.
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers" Romans 8:28-29 (NIV).
Today, I tripped over a memory of former abuse. My heart picked up pace as I remembered and a surge of anger came with it. How much longer I wondered. I have not lived under abuse for the last decade and yet today I felt pain over a memory from twenty-five years ago.
I have had someone tell me that they think you can never heal from abuse. I immediately disagreed. God has healed me in many ways from abuse. I am not the same person that I used to be.
I just wish sometimes that the healing were quicker and that it did not involve pain along the way. I wish I could be healed without having to remember the emotions I stuffed away. I wish I could be healed without working out new behaviors with practice that involves failures as well as success. I wish that I could be healed without my involvement. I wish God would just touch me and it would be a done deal.
I've got the healing blues, full of wishes that don't match my reality. Full of woe.
So I'll work on singing on hope next to lift my mood, just like King David did in some of his psalms. It only takes a second to see the miracles that God has already done. I am free from abuse now after years of bondage! I am free! I'll begin there and remember what my life used to be and how much better it is now. I will be thankful for the many blessings I have now. I will remember how the previous tough situation was resolved--yes there was pain--but by walking through that valley, I reached a new pasture of plentiful provisions from God. My life improved. With hope restored, I will find the courage to move on.
I'll allow myself to feel my pain over the memory. I will feel. I will take those feelings to God and I will see what healing will unfold. It won't happen as quick as I'd like, but healing will grow and I will grow.
A new song is being written on the pages of my life. Some blue notes are there, but overall the tune is one full of divine glory revealed. It is a most excellent tune composed by God himself.
Assuming the worst and trying to prepare for it is a natural reaction to living with the constant stress and chaos of an abusive environment. But what about after you are away from abuse? How does such thinking affect us when we are building an abuse-free life?
Do you ever see yourself assuming the worst, projecting the worst possible scenario for a relationship or for tomorrow? Do you set your expectations really low about how others see you or how others will behave toward you? Do you try to protect your heart by always preparing for the worst?
Do you assume the worst when you don't understand someone's behavior? Or do you tell yourself the worst about people who keep showing themselves trustworthy? Do you find yourself doing the opposite with people who behave in non-trustworthy ways, telling yourself that their intentions must be good or that you must be misunderstanding the situation somehow?
Photo by Photo By: Kaboompics.com
Welcome, once again, to the world of carrying the internal scars of abuse. The great news is that we can grow out of this behavior. Here are the things that I am finding helpful in this process:
Ask God for His help. Ask Him to help you see things from His perspective, with His eyes.
Start spending most of your time with people who are habitually cheerful and positive.
Put your negative diatribe on a timer. Give yourself five minutes to dwell on the negative. Then, intentionally switch to thinking about the positive possibilities, the noble things, the things worth giving thanks for, and the blessings you can see.
Write down in a journal what you will do if the worst happens, and then consider the case closed, reminding yourself that in a non-abusive environment, the worst rarely happens. But if it should, you've got it covered! It will free you to live in the present. Any time your mind wonders back to "what if...", you can remind yourself that you've already handled it--and return to living the present moment. It's a challenging discipline but will repay you in pure gold.
Recognize who the people in your life are who encourage your negative spiral. These are relationships to limit or eliminate. If you must interact daily (such as in your employment), then focus on taking good care of yourself. Change the subject when possible. Do kind acts for others to cheer yourself up. Surround yourself with messages of cheer and truth (Bible quotations are especially great). Intentionally do things that re-fill your emotional tank.
Exercise regularly. The endorphins released during a workout are proven to improve one's disposition.
Post Bible verses that speak to you where you will see them regularly (bathroom mirror, closet door, by your kitchen sink, on your coffee mug, in your car).
Journal five things you are grateful for each day.
Good luck, Reader! This journey can be bumpy, but if you try these things, I am confident you will spend less time negatively projecting into the future. You will be too busy living fully in the present.
10 Lifesaving Principles for Women in Difficult Marriages by Karla Downing
A Way of Hope by Leslie J. Barner
Angry Men and the Women Who Love Them by Paul Hegstrom
Battered But Not Broken by Patricia Riddle Gaddis
Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend
Bradshaw on the Family by John Bradshaw
Caring Enough to Forgive/Not Forgive by David Augsburger
Codependent No More by Melody Beattie
Healing the Wounded Heart by Dr. Dan B. Allendar
Keeping the Faith: Questions and Answers for the Abused Woman by Marie M. Fortune
Perfect Daughters by Robert J. Ackerman, Ph.D.
Recovery: A Guide for Adult Children of Alcoholics by Herbert L. Gravitz and Julie D. Bowden
Safe People by Dr Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend
Slay Your Own Dragons by Nancy Good
The Cinderella Syndrome by Lee Ezell
The Dance of Anger by Harriet Goldhor Lerner, Ph.D.
The Search for Significance by Robert S. McGee
Turning Fear to Hope by Holly Wagner Green
When Violence Comes Home: Help for Victims of Spouse Abuse by Tim Jackson and Jeff Olson
Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft
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Welcome
Being abused by another hurts deeply and creates many challenges. But you don't have to settle for merely being a survivor. You can become an overcomer with dazzling wings.
You might feel worthless--but you are not. You are valuable to the creator of the universe. A new life of freedom, peace, and joy awaits. Facing abuse, ending it, and healing from it is a huge journey that leaves behind hopelessness, embracing new life.
Just like myself and other abuse survivors, you can unfurl dazzling wings with the help of Jesus Christ.
This journey is possible. I've done it and so have other formerly abused women and men who have shared their stories with me. Come join us on a life-giving journey of change.
For thirty-five years, I felt worthless. It seemed like I wore a sign across my chest inviting others to abuse me.
Unfortunately, I had an abundance of personal experience with being a victim of domestic violence, incest, emotional abuse, physical abuse, date rape, verbal abuse, and spiritual abuse. And then I experienced being the mother and stepmother of children who were assaulted by a pedophile.I felt like a cursed woman.
Since multiple people felt comfortable assualting me and then my children I assumed that there was something wrong with me. I had let me myself down in some unknown, mysterious way.
What if God let me down, too?
One day, in desperation, I prayed asking God to end the abuse.
God heard. He rescued me. He continues to heal me. His kindness, grace, and mercy far exceed anything I could’ve imagined or hoped for.
He has given me dazzling wings to soar above the pain of past abuse, spreading His message of hope: God does not approve of violence in any of its manifestations. He rescues those who cry out to Him. He heals the wounded.
