Wednesday, May 27, 2009


Love is a word misused by those who abuse. Love shouldn't be used to describe continual control or forced coercion. Friendship isn't even a good word for a relationship where one person uses another and regularly utilizes manipulation, lies, and trickery. It isn't loving when someone steals another's dignity, tramples another's boundaries, or slams another's esteem to the ground with cruelty, harshness, and force. No one shows caring by hitting, or threatening, or raping.

So, how amazing it is after leaving abuse to discover that love can really be about respect and care. It can be characterized by gentleness, humbleness, and kindness. Loving relationship it turns out involves two people who want what is best for each other. Love between humans isn't perfect all the time, but it isn't abusive even on its worst day.

And love sublime--isn't found in marriage or in a romance novel. It is found in relationship with God, who is always loving, without fail. We can count on him to care at all times and in all situations.


Cynthia said...

This was an important post.

For me, my ex-husbands loving act were like links in the chain that bound me to him...for him they were like money in the emotional bank. When he was abusing his apology would always make reference to all the loving gestures, as if, by doing so, it would erase the pain he had caused.

Cynthia said...

I think your words here are so important. And I also think that comments will be more scarce because those who need to read them are likely afraid to respond for fear of being caught responding. SO write...God will send the readers!

Anonymous said...

Some people do not have a conscience. They have no remorse. Their feelings are an act. Woe unto those who fall for one of these.

They are the sociopath, and you need a category for them too. There is no love; just imitation.

The only cure is for you to detach from them.
But because YOU DO have feelings, and you can not comprehend no conscience, you stay with them. You believe there is something wrong in YOUR perception, for that is being homegrown by the sociopath.

They lie.
They deceive.
And they are convincing, for they study human succeeed; for they have no inate human behavior (I believe they have no sould left either).

In your offering of books to read, The Search For Significance is the best on the list, and covers nearly all other categories. Your audience would be wise to start with that book, and read it slowly. It is not difficult to read, it is just that WE are difficult to change.

Bringing significance into our lives is often done via relationships. And, many of our relationships are as simple as "I choose you".....and we admire the person for their wisdom in choosing me! We are grateful to be chosen.

DO the choosing; don't "get" chosen.
The standards in the relationship now become something you can nurture and grow.

Last, a look at the narcissist would enhance your menu. They can't love others, for all their love is reserved for themself.

A surge protector will protect your computer. You plug that into the wall, and if an electric surge comes into the line to destroy electronic devices, the device shuts down and nothing can be damaged. Get one for your computer, as they are less than $10.

The only surge protector for your God.
Nothing will harm you when HE guards your heart.

Tanya T. Warrington said...

Twofinches, your comments about "loving" acts being used by the abuser to bind you to him are insightful. Love of the wrong kind (the kind dispensed by abusers) is like a chain. It binds. It chaffes. It traps.

Love that truly comes from a loving heart, on the other hand, gives, frees, empowers, builds up, strengthens, etc.

Tanya T. Warrington said...

This site is different than so many other blogs. I am well aware that men and women who visit this site are in vulnerable places--so this blog doesn't garner the same consistency in numbers or in comments. But that is okay.

I pray that all those who are being abused or are recovering from previous abuse will find this a warm and helpful site to visit.

Tanya T. Warrington said...

Anonymous, thank you for your comments! You left so many things for us to think about.

Concerning my surge protector for my computer--I already had one. I live at high altitude and the surge protector was not able to save the ether card in the computer. Now I have a surge protector and a battery back up and I've been instructed to turn off the computer when I am done working each day. Hopefully, that will take care of the problem.

Concerning psycho paths and narcissist abusers--you gave valuable information. I agree! I will mark down these topics for future post topics. One of my abusers was diagnosed with several psych problems including narcissism, so I am familiar with the topic.

Recommended Books

  • 10 Lifesaving Principles for Women in Difficult Marriages by Karla Downing
  • A Way of Hope by Leslie J. Barner
  • Angry Men and the Women Who Love Them by Paul Hegstrom
  • Battered But Not Broken by Patricia Riddle Gaddis
  • Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend
  • Bradshaw on the Family by John Bradshaw
  • Caring Enough to Forgive/Not Forgive by David Augsburger
  • Codependent No More by Melody Beattie
  • Healing the Wounded Heart by Dr. Dan B. Allendar
  • Keeping the Faith: Questions and Answers for the Abused Woman by Marie M. Fortune
  • Perfect Daughters by Robert J. Ackerman, Ph.D.
  • Recovery: A Guide for Adult Children of Alcoholics by Herbert L. Gravitz and Julie D. Bowden
  • Safe People by Dr Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend
  • Slay Your Own Dragons by Nancy Good
  • The Cinderella Syndrome by Lee Ezell
  • The Dance of Anger by Harriet Goldhor Lerner, Ph.D.
  • The Search for Significance by Robert S. McGee
  • Turning Fear to Hope by Holly Wagner Green
  • When Violence Comes Home: Help for Victims of Spouse Abuse by Tim Jackson and Jeff Olson
  • Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft