Self-Talk

What do we say to ourselves? Do we say things that encourage ourselves and build ourselves up? If we've been abused, then we may not. We may actually use the abuser's voice and words to tear ourselves down. We may do it without thinking.

Photo by mh cheraghi

It is a continual challenge to rewrite the "tapes" that play in my head. First, I have to be self-aware enough to catch what I am saying to myself and what automatic assumptions I am making. If I can "hear" myself, I can make new choices, initiate a do-over, and say something more encouraging and accurate.

I realized I was too tired this morning to participate in a neighborhood garage sale. So, I didn't load up my stuff to take to a neighbor's driveway and then sit outside in the cold for four hours. Instead, I went to the sale with some money and bought some items from my neighbors. I was out in the cold air for a much shorter time than I would have been otherwise. It was the right move for my body, which is still recovering from a nasty head cold.

The interesting thing is that I assumed I was going to be "in trouble" somehow. After all, I hadn't done what I said I would do. I had "failed," according to the tape inside me that pushed me to be "perfect." I am combating that voice today. I didn't fail. I took another positive step in responding to my needs in a positive, nurturing way. For years, my needs were a problem that had to be ignored. But I am no longer in a dysfunctional environment. I can choose now, and I do, to practice being kind to myself and addressing my needs respectfully.

How about you, dear Reader? Did you have an opportunity recently to practice a new tape to replace one of your old dysfunctional tapes? Or do you have a tape you'd like to try changing? If any of your tapes include words such as lazy, stupid, selfish, needy, ugly, a failure, or not good enough, I urge you to talk to someone trustworthy about it and try replacing the old message (that is a lie anyway) with something that you'd say to a friend. None of us need to stay stuck in the mindset we were loaded down with as victims of abuse. Today is a new day, and we can live healthier lives by practicing a gentler voice with ourselves.

Tweetable:

• Conquering the Old Tapes that Bind Us to the Former Days of Abuse

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Teaching Our Children

It is our responsibility to teach our children.  Most of us know this on a deep internal level.  But what should we teach them?  In this age of relativism and DNA awareness, what truths will we transmit to our family trees?

Photo by Alex Green

Please write your own list of values you want to pass on.  What do you think is essential for future generations?  What truth or knowledge has helped you tremendously in life?  What raises your passion, loyalty, and energy to defend?  What do you hope your grandchildren and great-grandchildren will be like?

Working on a list will strengthen your resolve and equip you to be intentional in how you behave and what you say.  It will strengthen you in doing things even when you don't feel like doing them.  It will help you to do things for the next generation that no one did for you.  It will help you to be your best self.

My list includes modeling kindness and teaching my children to respect others—not the kind of respect modeled by the world—not a kind that depends on power or performance.  I want my children to understand deeply that they are special and unique, as is every human.  Respect among equals is powerful and lovely, and I want my children ready to find and keep such relationships.

Photo by Ketut Subiyanto

I want my heirs to know that there are situations in which they need to stand up for themselves because some people will unknowingly step on their personal set of boundaries and need to be taught the limits of those boundaries.  I also want my young sheep to be wary of the wolves in the world, who are prone to be controlling or abusive.  I want them to respect that those people are choosing a lifestyle that is toxic to others around them.  I want my children to respect themselves enough to stay away from poisonous relationships.

What is on your list?  Give it a thought.  It could make a huge difference in the years to come.

Photo by Julia M Cameron

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