tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-79862706934523820012024-03-13T12:58:46.919-05:00Dazzling WingsA blog to join others on a journey of recovery from abuse.Tanya T. Warringtonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00838074093892841482noreply@blogger.comBlogger177125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7986270693452382001.post-86959934735851450852014-01-15T20:20:00.000-06:002014-01-22T19:03:54.388-06:00Breaking Isolation <html>
<head>
<title> Breaking Isolation for Abuse Recovery</title>
<meta name="description" content="Understanding role of isolation in abuse and during recovery.">
<meta name="keywords" content="isolating, abuse isolation, isolation in abuse">
</head>
Even after years of healing from former abuse, I still isolate myself. I long to have intimate relationships but I isolate when I am physically ill, when I dread a conflict, when I am feeling low in self-esteem, when I am low in energy... <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img height="320" src="http://cdn.morguefile.com/imageData/public/files/j/jade/11/l/1352768821hxoms.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="212" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">By Jade. Found at <span 115="" 11pt="" ar-sa="" calibri="" en-us="" font-size:="" imes="" line-height:="" minor-bidi="" minor-latin="" mso-ansi-language:="" mso-ascii-theme-font:="" mso-bidi-font-family:="" mso-bidi-language:="" mso-bidi-theme-font:="" mso-fareast-font-family:="" mso-fareast-language:="" mso-fareast-theme-font:="" mso-hansi-theme-font:="" new="" roman="" sans-serif=""><a href="http://mrg.bz/V4rIFZ"><b><span 0.6pt="" 10pt="" 115="" arial="" en="" font-size:="" lang="EN" letter-spacing:="" line-height:="" mso-ansi-language:="" sans-serif="" style="color: windowtext;">http://mrg.bz/V4rIFZ</span></b></a></span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
Isolation is part of all abusive relationships. Sometimes abusers will go to great lengths to keep us isolated from others. Abuse is easier to maintain when the victim never has the time or freedom to develop intimate friendships. Most abusers actively discourage too much connection with friends or even with other family members who don't live in their home.<br />
<br />
Many victims use hiding as one of their defenses against abuse. I remember hiding under my bed, in a closet, in a tree, in the bathroom and behind bushes. I remember that when I couldn't escape abuse I'd stare at some object with intense focus--separating my mind from the abuse my body or ears were experiencing. I also had times when I mentally made my escape and "saw" myself being raped, as if it were happening to someone else while I was viewing it floating in a corner of the ceiling. I've had other victims share similar stories with me. We get good at isolating.<br />
<br />
For the next few posts I'll be exploring what we can do about our isolation.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
</head></html>Tanya T. Warringtonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00838074093892841482noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7986270693452382001.post-15396870172758042122013-12-19T10:06:00.002-06:002013-12-19T10:06:09.889-06:00Holiday Update for ReadersI meant to post last week that I would be taking an extended holiday break. I will start posting again on the third Thurs in January.<br />
<br />
In the meantime, readers, I hope you have a restful and rejuvenating holiday season. If you are recovering from abuse, you too can take a break and focus on enjoying your present blessings. If you are still in an abusive environment, remember that there are many older posts on this blog that you may find beneficial. <br />
<br />
May God bless each of you by filling and surrounding you with his loving presence during the next weeks.Tanya T. Warringtonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00838074093892841482noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7986270693452382001.post-10498517006803130782013-11-27T21:14:00.000-06:002014-01-22T19:01:19.314-06:00Lies I Believed (Part 6)_No Way Out When You're a Christian<html>
<head>
<title>Believed I Couldn't Get of the Abusive Marriage because I was a Christian</title>
<meta name="description" content="How to end abuse.">
<meta name="keywords" content+ "end abuse, stop abuse, end domestic violence">
</head>
<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiAhvWKV7WpploJ2SCDWrnOitWpxHozs-6ggorSn_yIZw84AnXYZyJPdCeskoY-v35MZqVvQggz9S8AavBW4r2FghvPkmlI_Yi4a9Sw763naF9ReqegQiDWQnLATRszVRSeUeay8id7zO8/s1600/Old+key+in+a+locked+door.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiAhvWKV7WpploJ2SCDWrnOitWpxHozs-6ggorSn_yIZw84AnXYZyJPdCeskoY-v35MZqVvQggz9S8AavBW4r2FghvPkmlI_Yi4a9Sw763naF9ReqegQiDWQnLATRszVRSeUeay8id7zO8/s200/Old+key+in+a+locked+door.JPG" width="200" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Photo by Maena at morguefilecom</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span 115="" 12pt="" font-size:="" line-height:="" new="" roman="" serif="" times="">I have no short or easy answer for the dilemma of a
Christian spouse who finds herself or himself married to an abuser. My own
journey was long and difficult. As we drove away from our wedding reception, my
brand-new husband exploded in rage as soon as the restaurant was out of sight--pounding
the steering wheel, driving recklessly, calling his best friend names and
calling one of the women at the wedding a horrible epithet. My first instinct was
to return immediately to the church and say I’d made a horrible mistake
marrying this man. I wondered if annulment was a possibility. Then I pulled
myself together, and focused on believing this behavior was <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>non-typical behavior for this man since I’d
never seen him angry before. I wasn’t perfect either. I would unconditionally
love my husband and keep my marriage ceremony promises for the rest of my life—no
matter how many other unpleasant surprises might lay ahead.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span 115="" 12pt="" font-size:="" line-height:="" new="" roman="" serif="" times="">Seven long years after our wedding, my spouses’
angry spells had become progressively more frequent and I knew our marriage was
in trouble. He had progressed to threatening that if I ever tried to leave a
room while he was talking to me, his fist would connect with my face, instead
of merely denting the wall next to my head. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My husband could and did give me bruises now
and then on my arms and legs to encourage me to continue fearing him. He
displayed so many radical mood shifts I felt like I had unknowingly married Dr.
Jekyll and Hyde.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I finally admitted to
myself that my husband had a “serious anger issue.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I still loved him, although more than once I wished
that I didn’t. I could see that our marriage was not honoring God, but I still
felt trapped by my “till death do us part” marriage promise. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had experienced many unexpected “for worse”
experiences with my husband but that too was covered by the wedding vows.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span 115="" 12pt="" font-size:="" line-height:="" new="" roman="" serif="" times="">As the years had gone by, I too had changed for the
worse. My insecurity, confusion, and lack of self-respect grew exponentially. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I spent most of my energy on trying to keep my
husband calm. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was exhausted and felt
helpless. I desperately attempted to salvage our marriage by urging my husband
to attend marriage counseling with me. To my surprise, my husband agreed to try
counseling.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span 115="" 12pt="" font-size:="" line-height:="" new="" roman="" serif="" times="">Over the next seven years, we “tried” marriage
counseling three different times. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Each
time my husband’s agreement to counseling, led to me to give him credit for
caring about our relationship and being willing to work on it—when in reality
he only attended 2 to 4 sessions with each counselor. Each time marriage
counseling sessions halted abruptly when my husband decided we were seeing a
well-meaning but incompetent therapist. Thus, I learned the hard way that
marital counseling doesn’t work with an abusive relationship. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span 115="" 12pt="" font-size:="" line-height:="" new="" roman="" serif="" times="">Many psychologists and sociologists have noted the
ineffectiveness of marriage counseling for an abusive marriage. The
relationship isn’t a relationship of equal power in which both partners are
humbly willing to work on improving their communication to strengthen their
marriage. Instead, the abuser is hoping the counselor won’t figure out he/ she
abuses his /her spouse (and wants to continue)—while at the same time the
victim is hoping the counselor will see what is happening without having to be
told.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span 115="" 12pt="" font-size:="" line-height:="" new="" roman="" serif="" times="">I had been infertile for the first 7 years in our
marriage, when I finally conceived my husband and I were happier and more
peaceful during the pregnancy. I knew having children to save a marriage rarely
succeeds, but since we’d tried to have children our whole marriage and then
miraculously we were succeeding in such close proximity to my requesting
marriage counseling—my hopes for a better marriage soared. Surely my husband
would feel more motivated to untangle his anger problem with precious children
under our joint care. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span 115="" 12pt="" font-size:="" line-height:="" new="" roman="" serif="" times="">Again I was wrong. The only change in the following
years was that I spoke up more against my husband’s abusive words and behavior,
for the sake of the kids. My husband became increasingly angry and impatient
with me and with our children. I tried to never leave any of our children alone
with my husband for more than a few minutes, so that I could mitigate my
husband’s harmful words and actions toward our children. I was prepared to be
our children’s body guard should the occasion arise. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span 115="" 12pt="" font-size:="" line-height:="" new="" roman="" serif="" times="">When our eldest child was five, my husband squeezed
her arm as hard as he could, just as he had done to me many times. At first I
was shocked, but then I leapt into the situation demanding that my husband let
go of our daughter. For the first time ever, I told someone outside our
relationship about my concerns about my husband’s angry behavior. The pastor
prayed with my husband and urged me to see the church counselor. My daughter’s
arm was bruised and she protected it over the next couple of weeks while I
followed the pastor’s advice and began individual counseling. I thought the
pastor and counselor didn’t seem too worried about our situation, and assumed
it must not be that bad after all. In hindsight, I can see that I left out
important information when I talked with the pastor and psychologist. I didn’t
share with them the longstanding patterns and the slow-climbing escalation of a
variety of abusive behaviors. Both professionals probably concluded the event
with my daughter was a one-time loss of temper, instead of the one piece of an
abuse puzzle.<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
<!--[if !supportLineBreakNewLine]</span></div>
</head></html><br line-break="" quot="" />
<!--[endif]--><o:p></o:p><br />
<br />
<div 0in="" 10pt="" class=""MsoNormal"" quot="">
<span 115="" 12pt="" font-size:="" imes="" line-height:="" new="" quot="" roman="" serif="">By the ninth or tenth year of marriage, my husband’s
rages were a daily affair. No matter how much I tried to please my husband,
peace never lasted. I had tried to change myself so frequently I no longer knew
what I felt or thought most of the time. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div 0in="" 10pt="" class=""MsoNormal"" quot="">
<span 115="" 12pt="" font-size:="" imes="" line-height:="" new="" quot="" roman="" serif="">Over time, I gradually acknowledged that my marriage
relationship did not reflect God’s love. My husband’s behavior wasn’t loving
and even though I’d told myself that I was being kind and patient with my
spouse, I was really acting out of fear—of what my husband might do or say next
if I failed to please him. Pleasing my husband had become idol worship.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div 0in="" 10pt="" class=""MsoNormal"" quot="">
<span 115="" 12pt="" font-size:="" imes="" line-height:="" new="" quot="" roman="" serif="">After my spouse and I had been married for 14 years,
I caught my husband choking our five year old son and all my layers of denial
fell to the ground. I suddenly and irrevocably knew that my husband was abusive—and
that I needed to protect my children more effectively. <span quot="" yes=""> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div 0in="" 10pt="" class=""MsoNormal"" quot="">
<span 115="" 12pt="" font-size:="" imes="" line-height:="" new="" quot="" roman="" serif="">Over the next six weeks, I attended classes at a
domestic violence shelter and learned in each session that my marriage
relationship completely matched all the criteria of an abusive relationship. It
was difficult for me to swallow I was a victim of emotional, physical,
financial and sexual abuse—but the evidence was overwhelmingly clear. During
the last week in our home, I saw all the signs of my husband building up toward
his next explosion. With God’s help, I realized that it was time to get my
children safely away from the home before my husband’s next rage. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div 0in="" 10pt="" class=""MsoNormal"" quot="">
<span 115="" 12pt="" font-size:="" imes="" line-height:="" new="" quot="" roman="" serif="">I still believed God’s plan must be a future
miraculous restoration of our marriage. I hoped my leaving with the children
would be the catalyst my husband needed. I hoped that the threat of losing us
would help him come to his senses and to humbly seek true help for his abusiveness.
Even after fleeing from our home, I assumed I still needed to remain married to
this man for the rest of my life in order to be a “good Christian.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div 0in="" 10pt="" class=""MsoNormal"" quot="">
<span 115="" 12pt="" font-size:="" imes="" line-height:="" new="" quot="" roman="" serif="">After I left, I had opportunities to see how
comfortable my spouse was with continuing on the same old course. I watched him
lie and manipulate myself, friends and legal professionals. Every time I sought
a way to save our marriage, the door was slammed shut by my husband’s own words
and actions. I clung to the belief <span quot="" yes=""> </span><span quot="" yes=""> </span>God would be able to restore our broken
marriage somehow—even as I filed for divorce. I assumed my husband would repent
before the divorce was finalized. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div 0in="" 10pt="" class=""MsoNormal"" quot="">
<span 115="" 12pt="" font-size:="" imes="" line-height:="" new="" quot="" roman="" serif="">In my Bible reading and prayers, God continued
worked on my thinking. <span quot="" yes=""> </span>I kept running
into the same verse in my personal Bible study, on the Christian radio station
and in church sermons: “For I desire mercy, not sacrifice, and acknowledgment
of God rather than burnt offerings” (Hosea 6:6, see also Matthew 9:13 &
12:7). Staying with an abusive husband had been my act of sacrifice.<span quot="" yes=""> </span>I was a willing martyr, sacrificing myself to
preserve God’s reputation. I didn’t want to cause others to think God wasn’t
powerful enough to redeem a broken marriage. Later I realized that God can
protect his own reputation and that the only sacrifices God had accepted prior
to Jesus’ all-time sacrifice were clean and perfect animals, not sin-choked
marriages. <span quot="" yes=""> </span>There was also a part of my behavior
that was motivated by pride—I didn’t want to “be a failure” in everyone’s eyes
by becoming a divorced woman.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div 0in="" 10pt="" class=""MsoNormal"" quot="">
<span 115="" 12pt="" font-size:="" imes="" line-height:="" new="" quot="" roman="" serif="">I regularly chastised myself with “God hates
divorce.” But it was God himself, who comforted me each time I grieved over the
divorce proceedings. It was He who helped me to study the entire verse: </span><span 115="" 12pt="" font-size:="" imes="" line-height:="" mso-fareast-font-family:="" new="" quot="" roman="" serif="">"So guard yourself in your
spirit, and do not break faith with the wife of your youth. ‘I hate divorce,’
says the LORD God of Israel, ‘and I hate a man covering himself with violence
as well as with his garment, says the LORD Almighty. So guard yourself in your
spirit, and do not break faith (Malachi 2:16, NIV)."<span quot="" yes=""> </span>My NIV study Bible explains “a man covering
himself with violence”<span quot="" yes=""> </span>can also be
translated as “a man covering his wife with violence.” Either way, clearly some
marriages include violent behaviors which God hates as much as he hates divorce.<span quot="" yes=""> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div align=""center"">
<table 0in="" 100="" 1184="" 18.75pt="" border=""0"" cellpadding=""0"" cellspacing=""0"" class=""MsoNormalTable"" mso-padding-alt:="" mso-yfti-tbllook:="" px="" quot="" width:="">
<tbody>
<tr 0="" mso-yfti-irow:="" mso-yfti-lastrow:="" quot="" yes="">
<td 0="" 0in="" 18.75pt="" border:="" padding:="" quot="" rgb="" transparent="" valign=""top""></td>
<td 0="" 0in="" 18.75pt="" border:="" padding:="" quot="" rgb="" transparent="" valign=""top""></td>
</tr>
</tbody></table>
</div>
<br />
<div 0in="" 10pt="" class=""MsoNormal"" quot="">
<span 115="" 12pt="" font-size:="" imes="" line-height:="" new="" quot="" roman="" serif="">I pleaded with God to rescue my marriage—but God helped
me to see he doesn’t force anyone to repent of wrongdoing and he wouldn’t force
my husband to accept responsibility for his abuse. God gives each of us free
will and upholds our freedom to reject Him and His ways. <span quot="" yes=""> </span>According to Jesus, God allows divorce because
of the hardness of men’s hearts (Mk 2-5). God hates divorce—but permits divorce
through His grace. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div 0in="" 10pt="" class=""MsoNormal"" quot="">
<span 115="" 12pt="" font-size:="" imes="" line-height:="" new="" quot="" roman="" serif="">Through the domestic violence shelter classes, I
learned an abuser is most likely to kill his wife after she attempts to leave.
For this reason, I followed safety plan recommendations that I prepared a month
before I left. In my case, I knew how frightened my spouse was of police and
prisons, so I didn’t feel it was necessary to ask the shelter to hide me. I moved
around to different friend’s homes and I requested a temporary restraining
order. He deliberately ignored that order twice and I called the police and my
lawyer both times. My husband stopped directly violating the restraining order
because he didn’t want to spend time in jail. <span quot="" yes=""> </span>The temporary restraining order became a
permanent restraining order when I reported his misbehavior and threats. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div 0in="" 10pt="" class=""MsoNormal"" quot="">
<span 115="" 12pt="" font-size:="" imes="" line-height:="" new="" quot="" roman="" serif="">If you still live with your spouse and he has
directly threatened to kill you, if you’ve been hospitalized from his violence
in the past, if he has no respect for the law, if he has purposefully mutilated
any part of your body, and/or if he’s used weapons to harm you, then your
decision to leave is potentially life-threatening and you would benefit from a
domestic violence shelter’s help to obtain a new identity, new location and new
life. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div 0in="" 10pt="" class=""MsoNormal"" quot="">
<span 115="" 12pt="" font-size:="" imes="" line-height:="" new="" quot="" roman="" serif="">During my separation from my spouse during the
divorce process, I discovered in my Bible study that God never listed all the
possible circumstances for a divorce. Jesus rebuked Pharisees who were trying
to entrap Him saying they could only divorce their wives if their wives
committed adultery (Mt. 5:31-33& Mk. 10:2-5). Jesus was rebuking them for
the stance of divorcing wives for “any and every reason.” They sanctioned
divorce for trivial reasons including such things as having a wife who was a
poor cook or had become less attractive than younger woman. They presented
divorce as something to be taken lightly. <span quot="" yes=""> </span>Their hearts were not in a right place with
God. They asked their question in order to embroil Jesus in a controversial
topic.<span quot="" yes=""> </span>Some interpret this verse to mean
that adultery is the only valid reason for any Christian to divorce. I used to
think the same way. But I am now convinced that the Bible itself specifically shares
a couple of other reasons and doesn’t list every possible reason.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div 0in="" 10pt="" class=""MsoNormal"" quot="">
<span 115="" 12pt="" font-size:="" imes="" line-height:="" new="" quot="" roman="" serif="">Throughout the Bible we are reminded that divorce is
not God’s original intention for marriage and should only be done for serious
reasons. Working problems out within the marriage is generally preferable to
divorce. But there is more than one legal reason for divorce mentioned in the
Bible. In the New Testament, Paul says that if a non-believing husband leaves a
Christian wife, she is free to remarry (1 Cor 7:13-15). Two examples of legal
divorce given in Deuteronomy are that a man may divorce his wife because he
discovers once they are married that his wife was not a virgin as he had been
told or that he found something displeasing or indecent (not referring to
adultery) about her (Deuteronomy 24:1-4). <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div align=""center"">
<table 1.5pt="" 1184="" border=""0"" cellpadding=""0"" class=""MsoNormalTable"" mso-yfti-tbllook:="" quot="">
<tbody>
<tr 0="" mso-yfti-irow:="" mso-yfti-lastrow:="" quot="" yes="">
<td 0.75pt="" 0="" border:="" padding:="" quot="" rgb="" transparent="" valign=""top""></td>
</tr>
</tbody></table>
</div>
<br />
<div 0in="" 10pt="" class=""MsoNormal"" quot="">
<span 115="" 12pt="" font-size:="" imes="" line-height:="" new="" quot="" roman="" serif="">I also learned that it was God who insisted that
wives be treated well when an Israelite husband wanted a divorce—he was to give
his wife a written certificate of divorce. This protected the woman’s status so
she was not under condemnation for her loss of virginity—she could return to
her father’s care and could marry another man sometime in the future. God even
made provision that divorced daughters of priests, along with widowed daughters,
were still eligible to be fed from the priest’s portions of the offerings (Leviticus
22:13). Both these indicate to me that God responds to divorced people compassionately.
If we were still in Eden, divorce would be totally unneeded, but we live
post-Eden in a world full of fallible and sinful people and by God’s grace
divorce is sometimes permitted.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div 0in="" 10pt="" class=""MsoNormal"" quot="">
<span 115="" 12pt="" font-size:="" imes="" line-height:="" new="" quot="" roman="" serif="">When I finally accepted that my marriage was truly
ending, I still thought I should remain unmarried, thinking of verses such as 1
Corinthians 7:10-11. I purposefully kept my heart open to the possibility of
future reconciliation if there was proof that there would not be any more
abuse. I didn’t continue in this state for long, however, because I learned
from my kids and had it confirmed by my spouse that he was getting married that
very weekend and needed the judge-signed copies of the divorce agreement. I
called my lawyer’s office to check on the progress of the paperwork and
requested that I have a copy by the weekend if at all possible and told the
legal assistant why. She assured me I would not be in any trouble if my
“husband” preceded with marriage without the signed copy. He would be guilty of
bigamy, not me. I told her for emotional reasons I’d prefer not to be wearing
my wedding ring when my spouse married another. She went to work and I received
the paperwork on Friday evening after 5PM via a FedEx driver. I don’t know if
my husband had his signed copy on Friday as well but I left that part in God’s
hands.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div 0in="" 10pt="" class=""MsoNormal"" quot="">
<span 115="" 12pt="" font-size:="" imes="" line-height:="" new="" quot="" roman="" serif="">When my minister asked me a few weeks later how
things were going with my divorce, I told him about how pressured I’d felt to
see the judge’s signature before my husband married another woman. He
completely surprised me by telling me at since my husband was re-married, the
possibility of reconciliation was closed and I was free to marry another. I
hadn’t dated anyone during the separation and divorce process because I had still
considered myself married and still hoped for reconciliation. I did more
checking in the Bible and realized God doesn’t want a man to remarry his
divorced wife if either he or she had married and then divorced another
(Deuteronomy 24:1-4). <span quot="" yes=""> </span><span quot="" yes=""> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div 0in="" 10pt="" class=""MsoNormal"" quot="">
<span 115="" 12pt="" font-size:="" imes="" line-height:="" new="" quot="" roman="" serif="">I wanted the abuse to end <i normal="" quot="">and</i> I wanted my marriage redeemed by my loving God. The abuse did
end, but only after the divorce was finalized. God comforted me and helped me
see how my former husband who had broken our marriage long before I signed the
divorce papers. God was my strength and my security during my divorce and while
I was a single mom raising three children. When I married a non-abusive man two
and a half years after my divorce was final, God used my new marriage
relationship to continue healing my emotional wounds from my previous years as
an abused wife. God redeemed my heart and gave me unwavering joy with his
constant care as my Good Shepherd. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div 0in="" 10pt="" class=""MsoNormal"" quot="">
<span 115="" 12pt="" font-size:="" imes="" line-height:="" new="" quot="" roman="" serif="">While you’re being abused it seems like you have no
options. The abuser reinforces your sense of helplessness repeatedly through
words and actions of abuse. You feel trapped. You feel powerless. But with God
we need never be without His power. God is faithful, loving, kind and slow to
anger. He is a good shepherd who leads His people to green pastures and calm
waters. God is also a powerful God who can lead people out of bondage to fear.
God is more than big enough to redeem an abusive relationship <i normal="" quot="">or </i>to help a victim re-build a good life
after an abusive relationship ends.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div 0in="" 10pt="" class=""MsoNormal"" quot="">
<span 115="" 12pt="" font-size:="" imes="" line-height:="" new="" quot="" roman="" serif="">I am fully convinced God may lead different people
to different solutions. God knows all the circumstances, including the state of
your heart and the state of the abuser’s heart. I still believe if an abusive
spouse is willing to change, he/she will find incredible power to change in
God. If your spouse has not built up to physical violence, God may show you a
different way to end the emotional abuse in your relationship. I’ve never seen or
heard of abuse resolved if the victim doesn’t insist on separation, at least
until there is true evidence of sustained,<span quot="" yes="">
</span>positive behavior changes. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div 0in="" 10pt="" class=""MsoNormal"" quot="">
<span 115="" 12pt="" font-size:="" imes="" line-height:="" new="" quot="" roman="" serif="">Abuse is sinful and God doesn’t condone un-repented
sin. An abusive marriage doesn’t glorify God and staying in a marriage that
leads to children being abused is wrong. Abuse isn’t explicitly named as an
acceptable reason for divorce in the Bible—and there continues to be debate
about this in our churches today. I take comfort from the Malachi verse already
discussed and also Psalm 11:5, “The LORD examines the righteous, but the
wicked, those who love violence, he hates with a passion.” Matthew Henry, a
minister who wrote commentary on the Bible in the 17<sup>th</sup> and early 18<sup>th</sup>
Century, wrote that one reason God permits divorce is because a violent man might
murder his spouse otherwise. Marriage is an illustration used throughout the
Bible of God’s loving relationship with His bride, the church—an abusive
marriage more aptly illustrates a race car hurtling into a wall.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div 0in="" 10pt="" class=""MsoNormal"" quot="">
<span 115="" 12pt="" font-size:="" imes="" line-height:="" new="" quot="" roman="" serif=""><o:p> </o:p></span></div>
-->Tanya T. Warringtonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00838074093892841482noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7986270693452382001.post-79590902072982083442013-11-14T13:13:00.001-06:002013-11-14T13:14:59.178-06:00Lies I Believed (Part 5)_What Happens at Home, Stays at Home<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgUTlH7qPRQ83Gi11HKC8HeB_X5vefZb7y0D5o3okOOll8EP4Y6yldqlqJBOUtQWzHnTTODI4GGbXDDOTglu9gad9rKieSDIAuub9xRrNa3i5dlZ2PjLE1tn4lsTFfJRZBCPpSE3fjpZzk/s1600/file291348651599.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgUTlH7qPRQ83Gi11HKC8HeB_X5vefZb7y0D5o3okOOll8EP4Y6yldqlqJBOUtQWzHnTTODI4GGbXDDOTglu9gad9rKieSDIAuub9xRrNa3i5dlZ2PjLE1tn4lsTFfJRZBCPpSE3fjpZzk/s320/file291348651599.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Photo by Ryan Castillon</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
Privacy is generally a good thing, but in the case of abusive behavior,
silence protects the abuser and harms his/her victim. Silence about abuse,
means the abuser can keep on behaving as he or she wishes without any
consequences. It means the abuse will continue. <br />
<br />
The victim's silence, however, does not
mean that the victim means for the abuse to continue. As a Christian wife I kept silent about abuse, hoping my Christian spouse would repent of his violence and would, as he moved closer to God,
want to stop losing his temper. <br />
<br />
My
perspective has changed markedly as I've learned more about abuse and have
progressed on a journey of healing. I
now see that I assumed my husband was a Christian. I had asked him if he was
before our second date. He had answered that he had gone to church all his life
and that he liked talking with God. Not being raised in a Christian household,
this sounded like mature faith to me. Only after marriage did I discover that
if his faith was real, it wasn't transforming his life. He wasn't growing and
changing as God led him. He wasn't in a place of bearing good fruit for the
fourteen years of our marriage. Was he a backslidden Christian or not a
Christian at all? Probably I will never know. But what I do know now is that if
a Christian isn't bearing any of the fruit that gives evidence of the Holy
Spirit working in his life, then it isn't reasonable to expect mature Christian
behavior from him. My husband did not acknowledge that he was abusive,
didn't repent of it, and didn't ask God to help him learn more respectful behavior.<br />
<br />
I knew as a Christian that I must forgive my husband for his abusive behavior. And I forgave--because
God asks us to forgive others when they sin against us and because God empowers us to extend forgiveness even in the most difficult situations. What I did not
understand about abuse at the time was that my way of expressing that forgiveness was interpreted as a
green light by abusers. When I behaved like a woman who had forgiven boundary
violations, my spouse felt happy and empowered. He didn't ask for forgiveness
but he was happy to see it--because to him it meant that he could do more of
the same, knowing that I wasn't going to leave and I wasn't going to report his
behavior to authorities. It took years, several Christian books on forgiveness
and a conversation with ministers before I realized that forgiving another does
not mean that I have to re-extend trust to that individual. It took time (about
12-13 years) for me to understand that I could forgive my husband anything with
God's help--but, I shouldn't trust my husband to change his behavior just
because I truly had forgiven him. My acts of forgiveness did not guarantee any
safety from continued abuse. <br />
<br />
I eventually learned that I needed to forgive my
spouse, and I needed to hold him accountable for his behavior. I finally told a
minister when my husband hurt our 5 year old daughter's arm during one of his
rages. I was scared to death that social services would be called but I felt a
huge instinct to protect my child. My husband hurting me was one thing, hurting
our child was another. The minister didn't report the act to social services
and didn't urge for the arm to be checked by a doctor. In hindsight, I realize
that I didn't tell the pastor about the other times my husband had been abusive. He probably viewed the situation as a one-time only loss of
temper, not as another piece in a pattern of abuse. I returned to silence after
this incident. <br />
<br />
It wasn't until three later, when I caught my husband choking
our then 5 year old son that I admitted that I would need to tell others about my husband's behavior in our home. I went to a domestic violence shelter
and reported the choking incident. Again nothing was reported to social
services--because I was out of denial enough to go to the shelter but felt
totally unsure whether the shelter would view our situation as an abusive one. I was exhausted, confused and frightened when I filled out forms at the shelter. I wrote
sentences about why I was there but I left the direct question designed to confirm child abuse
or spousal abuse blank. I thought the workers at the shelter would evaluate the
information I gave them and would check the abuse boxes for me if that was
indeed what my children and I had been experiencing. I was wrong. No one took
responsibility for those check boxes on the form. <br />
<br />
Fortunately, the shelter
counselor did enroll me in an abuse awareness class held at the shelter. Over
the next six weeks I attended each class session and had layer upon layer of
denial stripped away by the education I received. There was no way to hold onto the hope that my husband wasn't really abusive. When my husband began
escalating again in a pattern that had characteristically built to an abusive explosion, I took the children
and left our home. Soon after I requested a restraining order and
then filed for divorce. <br />
<br />
Secrecy had not served me or my children well. If I had let others know sooner what was going on in
our home, how frequently my husband expressed anger, what my husband threatened
to do to us, what my husband had done to us so far, etc. either my husband
would have responded to having the consequence of others knowing how he was
behaving or I would have gotten myself and my children to safety sooner. <br />
<br />
I have
learned through experience and education that forgiving abusive behavior
doesn't inspire abusers to get help. They aren't miserable over abusing others, they abuse because they find it rewarding.
As long as someone allows them to abuse, they keep on abusing. It was difficult
for me to swallow this. I hated it when the shelter class teacher talked about
"allowing" abuse. As far as I knew I had never "allowed"
abuse. Abuse was a terrifying reality that had happened in my childhood and in
my young adult years. From my perspective as a trapped victim, I didn't want anyone to abuse me, it "just happened."
<br />
<br />
But in the abuser's mind--they abuse because they like feeling powerful and
they choose victims who "allow" themselves to be harmed. Abusers count on victims who will not report
their inappropriate and illegal behavior to police. Abusers also do their best to brainwash and diminish their victim into conditioned helplessness. So, even if a victim did report abuse to
authorities, he or she wouldn't be capable of leaving the relationship. It was shocking to me when I finally got this. I had never wanted
abuse, but due to my constant exposure to abuse, it took me awhile to figure
out that I didn't have to keep
living in abuse. <br />
<br />
When an adult in a home is abusing the other family members
the only effective way to end the situation is for the other non-abusive adult to give a
clear message of, "No more abuse will be tolerated." The words aren't
what are needed--because abusers don't care about spoken boundaries. The only
course that has any chance of getting through to an abuser is action. The
abuser needs to know you will not remain in relationship with him. The abuse only stops when the victims leave. If there is
future reconciliation and a continuation of the marriage without any further
abuse, it only happens after the abuser realizes that he can only regain his family by learning how to stop abusing others. I have never seen any stats
on successful rehabilitation of abusers. To gain a realistic perspective I've called a few of the programs whose purpose is to
help abusers stop abusing Each
place gave the same answer, "Most abusers return to abusing, but if we
succeed with only one person then it is worth our time and effort." I hate
to be a bearer of bad news, but it is truth. It is also critically important for abused
spouses to understand that the act of leaving creates a dangerous crisis.<br />
<br />
The
abusive men who kill their wives, most frequently do so when their wives try to
leave them. So, shelters advice leaving without making announcement to your
husband. If you are taking children with you, leave a note that says you need
time to think and the kids and you are on a trip and will call him. Then call
about once a week from a phone he cannot track to your location (the phone
calls keep you from being accused of kidnapping your own children). If your spouse
has escalated to beatings and/or death threats in the past, then use the help available
through shelters to relocate to a new location with a new identity. <br />
<br />
Freedom
from abuse cannot rely on an abuser initiating change. What is happening in the
home cannot be a private if you want the abuse to end. It may seem
embarrassing to tell others the truth about your spouse's behavior--but it
could save your life (physically or emotionally). <o:p></o:p><br />
<br />
<strong>Related Articles:</strong><br />
<br />
<a href="http://dazzlingwings.blogspot.com/2013/06/he-said-he-loved-me.html">He Said He Loved Me</a><br />
<br />
<a href="http://dazzlingwings.blogspot.com/2013/04/why-did-i-stay.html">Why Did I Stay?</a><br />
<br />
<a href="http://dazzlingwings.blogspot.com/2009/10/home.html">Home</a><br />
<br />
<strong>Tweetables:</strong><br />
<strong></strong><br />
What Happens at Home, Stays at Home <a href="http://clickheretotweet.com/jZjOGM2M">Click Here to Tweet</a><br />
<br />
Don't Keep Abuse a Secret <a href="http://clickheretotweet.com/zhjOWM0M">Click Here to Tweet</a><br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Tanya T. Warringtonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00838074093892841482noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7986270693452382001.post-23719776054747092592013-11-07T19:04:00.001-06:002013-11-08T17:12:14.925-06:00Lies I Believed (Part 4)_Submission Means Accepting Any Behavior<html>
<head>
<title>How I became a doormat for abusers.">
<meta name="description" content=Understanding submission in an abusive relationship.">
<Meta name="keywords"content="abuse recovery, abuse dynamics, submission">
</head>
<br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Submission is a concept that is distorted by every
abuser.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Submit!” is the command,
whether it is voiced or not. By “submit” an abuser demands instant obedience—no
matter what.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Submit to rape, a physical
beating, or non-respectful verbal assaults.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Submit to accepting attacks of any kind such as blatant o subtle boundary
violations, impossible demands, harsh judgments, and false accusations. When
living with an abuser you discover that submitting also seems to require all
sorts of slippery details like always be wrong, except when the abuser suddenly
wants you to give a correct answer; never notice when the abuser is lying to
you, except if he or she is testing you; always be controlled by him or her,
accept when he or she suddenly becomes disgusted with your passivity; and perhaps
above all else, always trust that your abuser loves you and is taking excellent
care of you.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Submission is a word used in the Bible, presumed in
our laws and practiced worldwide in human relationships. So what does
submission really mean?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>According to the
dictionary, we submit when we yield ourselves to the power or authority of
another. <span style="color: #333333;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We
are expected to submit to public authority figures for the good of society as a
whole. In our public lives, there are provisions for what to do if an authority
figure is not behaving in an ethical or legal manner. We can call authority
figures into account and hold them accountable to certain standards of conduct.
<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">In abusive relationships, however, the
abuser holds himself above any accountability and freely enforces his reign by
frightening, coercing and controlling others to get whatever he wants. It took
me a long time to realize that what an abuser says he wants, and what he
actually wants may be quite different. He might say he just wants to help you be a
better person, but what he really wants is to erode away your self-esteem so
that he can have more power over you. He might say he didn’t mean to harm you,
he may actually mean that he doesn’t want you to take any legal actions against
him. He might tell you that he just wishes you would behave correctly so that
he doesn’t have to keep trying to teach you, in reality he wants you to lose
all confidence in yourself and depend on him for all your perceptions. He wants
you to learn to disregard what your five senses tell you. He wants you to
believe him when he tells you your actions are wrong, your thoughts are wrong
and your feelings are wrong. Another abuser may say very little, but still makes
sure you get the message that he is right and you are wrong, he has
all the power and you are powerless, he can control you in everything and you
can’t control him in anything. He can find many creative ways to enforce
unchecked power and control over you—until you submit to anything, no matter how immoral or unjust his demand is.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">It has been part of my healing process
to realize that I do not need to submit to abusive behavior ever again. I do
not need to obey unethical demands, I do not need to accept harsh treatment as
my due, I do not need to agree with the abuser that he can do whatever he
wishes without any negative consequences. As a grown-up, I have choices. I can
confront or leave when other adults are behaving badly, I no longer have to
keep silent about another’s wrong actions, and I don’t have to blame myself
when another takes unwarranted liberties. </span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjZ0HebmqwSQ-pWFrLMVfOcuw1wTbM328tTZRRBv8IFfEW5NxQT7uosCPJqDNgu0iS6PuivPZpXCv1-LiyFpaNB19BrLM-YTA49LLLH0KU1sdu1LG-vjJP45PEF3A0lDnytRSGk9_lRHlE/s1600/Kitten+looking+submissive+on+a+rug_file000471264371.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a> </div>
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">My understanding of scriptural
guidelines on marriage has also changed as I have healed. An often-quoted scripture is Ephesians 5: 21: “Wives submit
to your husbands as to the Lord.” The way I formerly understood this verse
reinforced my passivity and led to me becoming a “doormat,” accepting violent and demeaning
behavior as something I could do nothing about. <table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhE4GyiynYNjZIOjTvtnYtrHY__gr6QLaeKLkj-PVLHSKQQzgA5yX5WQbZ3HBkg09gkS0u4EvcqzItgE-ZUvsdUfNqIe4yNDvflX00AAecMXZ0SBhLVu2p9m5ijzXWle-mxdXypBriOPJ8/s1600/Dog+laying+on+doormat_file7041294275105.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhE4GyiynYNjZIOjTvtnYtrHY__gr6QLaeKLkj-PVLHSKQQzgA5yX5WQbZ3HBkg09gkS0u4EvcqzItgE-ZUvsdUfNqIe4yNDvflX00AAecMXZ0SBhLVu2p9m5ijzXWle-mxdXypBriOPJ8/s320/Dog+laying+on+doormat_file7041294275105.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Photo by Seemann, morguefile.com</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
With God’s patience and help I have learned to read this verse in its
full context. Ephesians 5:19 instructs all believers to “Speak to one another
with psalms, hymns, and spiritual songs,” indicating that we speak Biblical
truth and encouragement to one another. Colossians 3:16 amplifies on this, “Let
word of Christ dwell in you richly as you teach and admonish one another with
all wisdom.” Neither verse describes a relationship that is one-sided, with
one person controlling the other. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">God cares about our motives behind our
behavior as well. Why we're submitting matters. Ephesians 5:21 instructs, “Submit to one another out of reverence
for Christ.” All Christians should be willing to subordinate their rights out of their respect for God. In Ephesians 4:2, the motives we
are to act from are spelled out clearly: “be completely humble and gentle; be patient,
bearing with one another in love.” God helped me to realize that there wasn't anything loving about letting another person act in immoral ways against me. </span><br />
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"></span><br />
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Paul urges a wife to submit
to her husband (Ephesians 5:22-24) to allow her husband to function as the head of the family. I’ve learned over
the years that God does not mean by these verses that wives are to submit because they
are inferior to their husbands in intelligence or understanding. When I was
married to an abusive spouse, I too frightened and
insecure to be a full partner. This was the way the abuser desired things to be,
and I did my best to believe that I was obeying and honoring God with my lack of assertiveness.
In truth, my silence was actually motivated mostly by fear of what my husband
would do to me if I disobeyed or expressed my opinion or made a direct request.
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ve discovered that the more closely I
walk with God, the less I am driven by fear and the more I am empowered by the
Holy Spirit to share with my husband my observations, my reasoning, my needs,
and my feelings. I now see it as my responsibility to continue being an active
participant and partner with submission meaning that if we are not on agreement on a non-moral issue, I can set aside what I want as an act of love and humbleness. </span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">God’s Word also demonstrates that there are times to act in accordance with our individual
knowledge of God --times when it would be wrong to submit. In the Old
Testament (1 Sam 25), Abigail‘s husband, Nabal, is described as wealthy and “surly and
mean in his dealings.” David’s men give protection to his sheep shearers and
Nabal refuses to re-pay the kindness in the customary way.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Abigail behaved righteously when she took
action as an individual (not in accordance with her husband) to honor God and
David by bringing an appropriate offering of food and urging David to resist
his first impulse to punish her household for her husband’s foolish wickedness--and
to instead honor God by extending mercy. David and God were both pleased with
Abigail’s humble, righteous actions and words. God put to death her violent
husband and when David learned of this he married her, knowing by experience
that she was an intelligent and righteous wife. In the New Testament (Acts 5),
we learn of another wife, Sapphira, facing the problem of being yoked to a
dishonest husband. Her husband, Ananias, told her he was going to lie to the church
and to God about the sale price of his land so that he could avoid sharing the whole amount and secretly keep a share of the profit for his own use. Three
hours later, Sapphira was summoned and asked if she confirmed her husband’s
truthfulness, she backed up her husband’s lies, and as a result God struck her
dead. Clearly, God doesn’t want us to lie for our spouse or passively go along
with it when our husbands do something that is clearly wrong.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Submission does not involve sinning to
pacify our spouse. Submission isn’t Godly if it is motivated by our fear of
being abused. Submission isn’t honoring to God if we wait to see what might
happen when we already know what righteous action and words need to take place.
God doesn’t want wives to lie for their husbands. Submitting to violent or immoral acts in the name of being a “good
submissive wife” isn’t the kind of submission the Bible writers were speaking
of. God doesn’t expect
women to submit to sexual, verbal or physical abuse from her husband. He urges
husbands to love their wives as well as they love themselves and to treat their
wives with respect and kindness (Ephesians 5). The submission the Bible speaks
of is about respectful, loving behavior.</span><br />
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"></span><br />
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"></span> </div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p><strong>Related posts:</strong></o:p></span><br />
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p><a href="http://dazzlingwings.blogspot.com/2008/09/to-stay-or-go.html">To Stay or To Go?</a></o:p></span><br />
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p><a href="http://dazzlingwings.blogspot.com/2013/02/i-lost-myself.html">I Lost Myself</a></o:p></span><br />
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p><a href="http://dazzlingwings.blogspot.com/2012/09/who-is-in-control.html">Who is in Control?</a></o:p></span><br />
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p><strong>Tweetables:</strong></o:p></span><br />
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p>Lies I Believed (Part 4) Submission Means Accepting Any Behavior <a href="http://clickheretotweet.com/TUyOGU5Z">Click Here to Tweet</a></o:p></span><br />
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p>Improper Submitting Encourages Abuse <a href="http://clickheretotweet.com/WQ5NDdmN">Click Here to Tweet</a></o:p></span><br />
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p>I Thought I Had to Submit to Anything He Wanted <a href="http://clickheretotweet.com/jBhOWE1M">Click Here to Tweet</a></o:p></span><br />
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p></o:p></span> </div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p> </o:p></span></div>
Tanya T. Warringtonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00838074093892841482noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7986270693452382001.post-42490169727885151392013-10-31T21:23:00.000-05:002013-11-08T17:05:48.757-06:00Liies I Told Myself (Part 3)_My Job to Heal and Fix Broken People<html>
<head>
<title>Why trying to repair abusers didn't work</title>
<meta name = "description" content=How emotional healing changed my role with abusive people.">
<metaname= "keywords" content="abuse healing, abuse recovery, changed thinking, carrying abusers pain">
</head>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"></span> </div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I was a sensitive child who felt other people’s pain easily. Even at
four years of age, I felt sorry for my parents when they seemed emotionally
out-of-control. Early in life, I accepted the assignment of trying
to love my parents out of their pain which they expressed with alcoholism, sexual
abuse, controlling behavior, yelling, emotional abuse, etc. Looking
back it is so clear that I felt it was my job to heal and fix them. At seven
years of age, I realized that God was the one who would be able to heal my
parents, not me. But I still believed that if I was loved my parents enough (through my words and deeds) that I could be <em>the important
catalyst</em> that would lead them to radically change their lives in healthy ways.
</span></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg4-wtomvznODvI89pbiRPPoWBOcNmxpUNCZNcVqk-hN5G8GEWl9p3gr0AepWXZm7Y3wXlBZRGAUKJ0J-e_ydoB_z-UWEWiyuBu-m84L5d_Yb6m8jZriw8joDHjgKIgpznHYFEUpm224oY/s1600/Broken+light+bulb+file000362203086.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="256" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg4-wtomvznODvI89pbiRPPoWBOcNmxpUNCZNcVqk-hN5G8GEWl9p3gr0AepWXZm7Y3wXlBZRGAUKJ0J-e_ydoB_z-UWEWiyuBu-m84L5d_Yb6m8jZriw8joDHjgKIgpznHYFEUpm224oY/s320/Broken+light+bulb+file000362203086.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Photo by Michael Conners <a href="http://www.mconnors.com/">http://www.mconnors.com/</a></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I took these same attitudes into my marriage as a teen/young
adult. My spouse was someone else who had lots of pain inside and a brokenness that
kept him from healthy decisions and behavior. His expressions of pain included
addictive tendencies, paranoia, compulsivity, suicide threats, difficulty keeping a job and abuse. The
expressions of pain had different labels but the only difference for me was
that as a spouse I heard a lot more stories and details about why my spouse was
broken and hurting. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">In the name of love (and being an un-invited therapist), I
tried to carry the burdens that seemed too heavy for my loved ones to carry. I
felt their pain as if it was my own. I listened to rage, to bitterness, to
resentment, to anger, to depressed feelings, and to drunken perceptions with my whole
heart. I committed myself to helping them to feel better and to carrying away
as much of their pain as I could manage. I’d carry the pain hidden inside of
me. I didn’t talk to anyone about it, not even God.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I also bore other people’s secrets they hadn’t
ever told anyone else. I couldn’t
take direct action on any of the secrets (because they weren’t my issues to
solve), but I carried them locked away inside of me. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">By ninth grade, I knew that I had natural counseling and teaching skills that are a part of my personality type. At the time, this knowledge merely strengthened my conviction that I must spend a life time carrying other people’s pain for them--so they’d have a fighting chance to decide to engage in the work and pain of radical change. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><o:p></o:p></span> </div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">My self-assigned job of fixing broken people, came about because there
was an obvious need and there wasn’t anyone else available to do the job. The job wasn't very rewarding. I was known as a nice person, but the broken people in my life remained broken. I learned the hard way that when someone isn’t looking for any help, when
they are not dissatisfied with the way they are living, when they deny they
have any issues hindering their happiness and health--they remain dysfunctional. As an adult, I finally know (intellectually,
emotionally and spiritually) that no one makes radical healthy changes in their
life when they aren’t the ones seeking a healthier life. It doesn’t matter how
much anyone else is eager to help them.</span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="mso-no-proof: yes;"><!--[if gte vml 1]><v:shape
id="Picture_x0020_2" o:spid="_x0000_i1025" type="#_x0000_t75" style='width:221.25pt;
height:177.75pt;visibility:visible;mso-wrap-style:square'>
<v:imagedata src="file:///C:\Users\Owner\AppData\Local\Temp\msohtmlclip1\01\clip_image003.jpg"
o:title="Overfull trash can file0001248966677"/>
</v:shape><![endif]--><!--[if !vml]--><!--[endif]--></span><o:p></o:p><br /></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<a href="http://www.blogger.com/" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"></a><a href="http://www.blogger.com/" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"></a><br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgimovoALGrPLZzMPTksixzcXHv5I1gAQz1CKUFmujO843ztICTm8X49P3w0jr1GQZnsLOABAQvpZHCsqxJ7Rcnq1d46vwO1uklLdkFylFGz9nk_nZ9s5C4IQKBPE88hcAvwJ96E1NT_Zs/s1600/Overfull+trash+can+file0001248966677.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="160" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgimovoALGrPLZzMPTksixzcXHv5I1gAQz1CKUFmujO843ztICTm8X49P3w0jr1GQZnsLOABAQvpZHCsqxJ7Rcnq1d46vwO1uklLdkFylFGz9nk_nZ9s5C4IQKBPE88hcAvwJ96E1NT_Zs/s200/Overfull+trash+can+file0001248966677.jpg" width="200" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Photo by LadyHeart <a href="mailto:achurch@hbci.com">achurch@hbci.com</a></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Now that I am middle-aged, I can see clearly that the result
of my faulty belief (of being a fixer of in-pain-broken people) was that I became a nice companion and handy trash can for
more than a few abusive and psychologically unhealthy people. When they behaved
inappropriately they received empathy and gentleness from me. When they behaved
insanely I tried to comfort them. When they raged I apologized a lot and tried
harder to make their lives less stressful. When others told me vivid details
about crimes they’d committed, how much they hated another, or how resentful
and suspicious they were, I tried to calm them and show that I accepted them
100% no matter what they did. I forgave by excusing. I listened by storing what
wasn’t mine. I received other’s anger in quantities that stole my own energy and
peace. I identified to others to the extreme point of losing track of my own
emotions. I felt sorry for the other’s pain and completely ignored how I felt
after spending time with them.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Today, I do things differently. I now avoid close
relationship with anyone who demonstrates regularly through their
actions that they are satisfied with their dysfunctional lifestyle. If I
realize I am trying to fix or heal another, I detach (by remembering I
can only change myself) and I turn them and their feelings into God’s loving
and capable hands.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I now focus on doing
my own emotional processing to keep myself healthy and realize that other
people have the choice to do their own emotional processing. </span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<a href="http://www.blogger.com/" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"></a><a href="http://www.blogger.com/" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"></a><span style="font-family: Calibri;">All these changes in my own choices have come out of letting
go of my own warped perceptions and embracing
reliable truths. I still think abuse is tragic and the roots of what leads
someone into being abusive are also sad. But I realize now that a sad or tragic
or frightening past doesn’t make acting out to harm others right. In addition,
I’ve proved to myself that no one else can fix a person who engages in
self-abuse and/or other-abuse. Counselors can offer help to those who truly
seek help, but all the power for change comes from within the broken person. No
one else can create any lasting change inside of someone else. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Have you tried to fix or heal broken and/or abusive people?
How did it work out?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><strong>Related Articles:<o:p></o:p></strong></span></div>
<a href="http://dazzlingwings.blogspot.com/2012/08/healthy-or-abusive.html">Healthy or Abusive?</a><br />
<br />
<a href="http://dazzlingwings.blogspot.com/2010/01/is-this.html">Is This Good for You?</a><br />
<br />
<a href="http://dazzlingwings.blogspot.com/2009/04/generational-abuse.html">Generational Abuse</a><br />
<br />
<strong>Tweetables:</strong><br />
<br />
I Thought I Could Help Fix Broken People <a href="http://clicktotweet.com/e1hEV">Click to Tweet</a><br />
<br />
Another Doormat Idea <a href="http://clicktotweet.com/SG1Ov">Click to Tweet</a><br />
<br />
Don't be a Trash Can for Abusers <a href="http://clicktotweet.com/7qTy1">Click to Tweet</a>Tanya T. Warringtonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00838074093892841482noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7986270693452382001.post-12424435991542938532013-10-21T19:21:00.001-05:002013-11-08T17:23:09.577-06:00Lies I Believed (Part 2)--Criticism Meant I Had Failed, Again<html>
<head>
<title>Lies I Believed (Part 2) Criticism Meant I Had Failed, Again</title>
<meta name="description"content=An abuser's criticism is not to be trusted as accurate>/title>
<meta name="keywords" content="criticism, verbal abuse, emotional abuse, abuse recovery">
</head>
<br />
<br />
<span style="font-family:
"Calibri","sans-serif";">When I was young, I
desperately wanted to believe that if I did something well enough, then I
wouldn’t be criticized or punished. I’m not sure anyone ever said this to me
directly, but I hoped and believed it. I believed the corollary as well, if I
was criticized, then obviously I must have done something wrong. <u1:p></u1:p>For
example, if I asked my parent a question and got yelled at, then I must try
harder next time to word it “better” or to use a quieter voice, or <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">something</i>.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<u1:p></u1:p>
<br />
<o:p> </o:p><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif";">When I wanted something
like a pair of shoes without holes, I was told (with words, tone
or body language) that I was selfish. I would then vow to never notice holes in my
shoes again. I became “un-selfish” by never verbalizing any needs. It seemed to
protect me from some criticism, so I globalized it to almost all situations for
many years.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif";"><o:p><span style="font-family: Times New Roman;"> </span></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif";">This philosophy of having
no needs seemed effective in many situations as a child. One situation in which
it didn’t work was during long car trips. I would need to use a restroom for a
long time but would ignore it, hoping that my parent would stop sometime soon without me having to say anything. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My need
grew and I would eventually realize that I was about to have an accident
and that would also anger my parents. Whether I spoke up about my need or
remained silent about it, I wasn’t going to be praised--so in such dire cases I
would eventually, voice my need.<u1:p></u1:p> After being scolded or hearing an
angry sigh or being angrily glared at for causing trouble, my parent would pull
over at a rest stop and let me use the restroom. I didn’t feel good about
voicing my real need, I felt guilty for causing my parent’s irritation. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif";"></span><br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhgid-3ijpB4ioauY9L8JViQ5sJBEqg4Iku8fWhD0RIzyLvACPpCi40UOZpGOQIF-tEY6PPu8Vr7Oxja2JxFjt2bEjvjwL0Ou1g7k_epViKCgKJJm_gnhhaRi8au38oxgblpGSjLiB3cOg/s1600/file0001946946654.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhgid-3ijpB4ioauY9L8JViQ5sJBEqg4Iku8fWhD0RIzyLvACPpCi40UOZpGOQIF-tEY6PPu8Vr7Oxja2JxFjt2bEjvjwL0Ou1g7k_epViKCgKJJm_gnhhaRi8au38oxgblpGSjLiB3cOg/s320/file0001946946654.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Photo by Anita Peppers <a href="http://morguefile.com/creative/anitapeppers">http://morguefile.com/creative/anitapeppers</a></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://www.blogger.com/" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a><br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://www.blogger.com/" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a><br /></div>
<span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif";"><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<o:p> </o:p><br />
<a href="http://www.blogger.com/" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"></a><a href="http://www.blogger.com/" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"></a><br />
<span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif";">When I was 19, I married an
abusive spouse who also found all of my needs inconvenient. He was the one with needs and I was the one who must fulfill his
needs. When my husband said that I made him feel like killing himself because I
suggested he speak more gently to our children, I concluded that I was a mean
person who drove people insane with unreasonable requests. It wasn’t clear to
me how I was mean, I hadn’t meant to be unkind I was just trying to help my
children, but on an emotional level I believed I must have messed up the
communication in some way that I wasn't smart enough to figure out. I doubted myself more as the years went by and I spoke less and less from my heart. I attempted to avoid any subject which might be heard by my husband as
a criticism. I had no wish to hurt my spouse, but I couldn’t seem to figure out
the rules so I often didn’t speak my thoughts. Over the fourteen years of our
marriage I globalized my thinking to most people. I became more and more
isolated through my great hesitation to voice any needs, requests or thoughts.</span><br />
<br />
<div align="center" class="separator" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="color: blue; mso-no-proof: yes; text-decoration: none; text-underline: none;"><v:shapetype coordsize="21600,21600" filled="f" id="_x0000_t75" o:preferrelative="t" o:spt="75" path="m@4@5l@4@11@9@11@9@5xe" stroked="f">
<v:stroke joinstyle="miter">
<v:formulas>
<v:f eqn="if lineDrawn pixelLineWidth 0">
<v:f eqn="sum @0 1 0">
<v:f eqn="sum 0 0 @1">
<v:f eqn="prod @2 1 2">
<v:f eqn="prod @3 21600 pixelWidth">
<v:f eqn="prod @3 21600 pixelHeight">
<v:f eqn="sum @0 0 1">
<v:f eqn="prod @6 1 2">
<v:f eqn="prod @7 21600 pixelWidth">
<v:f eqn="sum @8 21600 0">
<v:f eqn="prod @7 21600 pixelHeight">
<v:f eqn="sum @10 21600 0">
</v:f></v:f></v:f></v:f></v:f></v:f></v:f></v:f></v:f></v:f></v:f></v:f></v:formulas>
<v:path gradientshapeok="t" o:connecttype="rect" o:extrusionok="f">
<o:lock aspectratio="t" v:ext="edit">
</o:lock></v:path></v:stroke></v:shapetype><v:shape alt="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgXAM7NINrsHWSpYa0I0xD-Pk7Z08bGLTrBaULQwCXC5OJ4oVQgC47jJvKGbD5iaTCu6usowL61UKpfb8Wee2amjUMRiJOPRjXJrEPl62hZL7reeK5eGXcDyyx3tA261BfGbHqvYvaewRg/s320/file0001946946654.jpg" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgXAM7NINrsHWSpYa0I0xD-Pk7Z08bGLTrBaULQwCXC5OJ4oVQgC47jJvKGbD5iaTCu6usowL61UKpfb8Wee2amjUMRiJOPRjXJrEPl62hZL7reeK5eGXcDyyx3tA261BfGbHqvYvaewRg/s1600/file0001946946654.jpg" id="Picture_x0020_1" o:button="t" o:spid="_x0000_i1025" style="height: 180pt; mso-wrap-style: square; visibility: visible; width: 240pt;" type="#_x0000_t75">
<v:imagedata o:title="file0001946946654" src="file:///C:\Users\Owner\AppData\Local\Temp\msohtmlclip1\01\clip_image001.jpg">
</v:imagedata></v:shape></span><o:p></o:p></div>
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif";"><u1:p></u1:p>Bottom line, I
believed I should always please everyone and most especially those with whom I
lived. I wanted to be a kind and gentle person, but on a frequent basis I seemed to be the cause of my parent's and spouse's anger, hurt or depression. I
tried harder and harder to please—but I almost always failed to please them. II was driven to
succeed—to be good enough, kind enough; bright enough; but my efforts didn’t
work.<u1:p></u1:p> <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<o:p> </o:p><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif";">Having done a lot of
healing, I no longer assume that all criticism is deserved. Now I know that if
someone is deeply depressed, you can’t cheer them up by saying the right
thing. When someone is angry about most things almost every day, you can’t
please them with kind actions. When someone is controlling, you can’t do
anything right enough to avoid his/her correction or criticism. When someone is
sexually abusive, you won’t be praised for dressing modestly. When someone is
bitter, you can’t be gentle enough to break through their warped perceptions.
When someone gains emotional benefit from belittling others, you aren’t going
to receive much praise. When someone habitually becomes intoxicated, you can’t say
the perfect things to make them see that alcohol is hurting their
relationships. No matter how careful you are with your words you can't avoid receiving unjust criticism from abusive people.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif";"><o:p><span style="font-family: Times New Roman;"> </span></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif";">Abusive people criticize,
belittle, and lash out. They judge, punish and threaten family members,
regardless of how hard someone might try to love them, please them or help
them. As I gained more and more distance from abusive people, I discovered that
I don’t need to go crazy trying to be pleasing and right. Non-abusive people
like me just the way I am. Like all humans, I make mistakes and don’t do
everything right, but I no longer find it necessary to expend energy on trying
to be pleasing through silence in order to avoid criticism and/or punishment. I no longer accept the toxic waste that abusers like to project
onto others. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif";"><o:p><span style="font-family: Times New Roman;"> </span></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif";">I now know that voicing
needs isn’t selfish—it’s a human necessity. Asking for respectful behavior isn’t
disrespectful—it’s an appropriate request. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<o:p> </o:p><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif";">Did you ever believe that
you must have done <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">something</i> wrong
whenever you were criticized or punished? Have you spent inordinate amounts of energy on trying to please someone?</span><br />
<br />
<o:p> </o:p><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif";"><span style="font-family: Times New Roman;"><strong><span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif";">Related Articles:<o:p></o:p></span><br />
</strong><span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif";"><o:p><span style="font-family: Times New Roman;"> </span></o:p></span><span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif";"><o:p><a href="http://dazzlingwings.blogspot.com/2013/02/i-lost-myself.html">I Lost Myself</a></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif";"><a href="http://dazzlingwings.blogspot.com/2012/12/when-i-lived-with-abusers-i-apoligized.html">Victim Blues</a></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"></span><br /><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><a href="http://dazzlingwings.blogspot.com/2009/11/its-not-about-you.html">It's Not About You</a></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"></span><br />
<strong><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Tweetables:</span></strong>
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"></span> </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif";"><br />
This misconception made me a doormat <a href="http://clicktotweet.com/f1TX2">Click to Tweet</a><br />
<br />
<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif";">
</span><span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif";">An abuser's reaction is not a reliable mirror <a href="http://clicktotweet.com/J6eAs">Click to Tweet</a></span><br />
<br />
<br />
<o:p> </o:p><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif";"><o:p><span style="font-family: Times New Roman;"> </span></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"></span><br />Tanya T. Warringtonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00838074093892841482noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7986270693452382001.post-36157687968318552082013-10-02T14:10:00.000-05:002013-11-08T17:33:08.825-06:00Lies I Believed (Part 1): Anger is always Bad<Html>
<head>
<title>Is Anger Sinful?"<title/>
<meta name="description" content="Learn about role of anger in abuse recovery.">
<meta name="keywords" content="anger and abuse, healing from abuse, anger can be good, abuse recovery">
</head>
How many of our subconscious beliefs line up with the Bible and how many are only half truths that have percolated through the manure of our abuse experiences? During the recovery process, I have discover angered I believed things that didn't really line up with the Bible. Abuse is not an honest teacher and yet, it is a strong teacher. It takes prayer and patience to overcome the old ideas. This is the first in a series of posts that will explore false beliefs that plagued me and others who have been abused.<br />
<br />
I didn't have a healthy view of anger. All anger was wrong because I associated anger with abuse. Angry people raped, tore others apart emotionally, told lies, said mean things, etc. I jumped from that belief to believing that a good Christian should never, ever get angry. I thought that's what turning the other cheek was all about.<br />
<br />
My ideas made sense to me. They fit my environment. They seemed logical. But they were lies that limited me and served abusers. I couldn't express anger. Abusers are very okay with that. I stuffed my anger and years later discovered that all of my other feelings had become hostages of the denial as well. <br />
<br />
When I began reading the Bible as a child, I was confused by the verses that showed that God gets angry--but, he is God of the universe so I trusted that his anger was always right and never abusive (truth) and that he was the only one who was capable of righteous anger (a lie).<br />
<br />
I noticed that humans in the Biblical accounts got angry too. And sometimes it seemed okay and sometimes it didn't seem okay at all (such as with Moses' anger in Exodus 32 versus his anger in Numbers 20:1-13). What was the difference? My original ideas slowly began to crumble. Maybe there were times and ways that people could be angry in a righteous manner--but it was easy, way too easy to lose control and sin in anger. My new belief accepted that anger isn't always sinful (true), but held firmly to the belief that humans almost always lose control of anger and harm others and themselves. So I reasoned that good Christians should always avoid outward expressions of anger (a lie) and should always confess any internal feelings of anger to God as sinful acts (a lie). Somewhere along the line, I'd read the Bible enough times to see that righteous anger involves being angry at the things that anger God. So feeling anger at Satan's deceitfulness is acceptable (truth).<br />
<br />
I also began recognizing more how angry I became with myself whenever I fell into sin, or performed imperfectly or made stupid mistakes. I was frequently unkind to myself in my inner dialogue. God's spirit gently convicted methat much of my angry self-talk was self-abusive...a continuation of the negatives about myself that I absorbed from my abusers. I believed I was incompetent. I believed I was a failure because I was imperfect. I believed I wasn't worth protecting or taking care of. I believed I was never going to be good enough. (All these beliefs were opposite of God's messages to us in the Bible. He hates sin but he loves us. He doesn't expect perfection. He didn't make a huge mistake in creating me. He didn't want me to hate myself). <br />
<br />
During my young adult years, I continued to repress any anger toward others. I thought I just didn't do anger. I didn't feel anger over the abuse--just disappointment and resignation. I didn't feel anger when my boundaries were violated, I felt tired instead. I didn't feel anger when someone was cruel to me, I felt worry for the other and self-doubt toward myself. I didn't identify or acknowledge my anger, but sometimes I acted angry anyway.<br />
<br />
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjuEmnuAIwERUEHoJm8167mT8FyZco1A7L6k9mODuBmTzNnKMz0liiVE-9Kz35_ZO6E9qTDbiu-lMV9ctMS9C0aAEeXbJVr8j3Hqpmek2GywQ-it8qqjBdkWQPb-H3hls0Q-gMwijqzcao/s1600/file000453698099.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjuEmnuAIwERUEHoJm8167mT8FyZco1A7L6k9mODuBmTzNnKMz0liiVE-9Kz35_ZO6E9qTDbiu-lMV9ctMS9C0aAEeXbJVr8j3Hqpmek2GywQ-it8qqjBdkWQPb-H3hls0Q-gMwijqzcao/s320/file000453698099.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Photo by Emanuele Cerroni <br />
<div class="location-and-url" style="line-height: 12pt; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<a href="http://t.co/SMO6JEipVK" target="_blank" title="http://about.me/emanuelecerroni"><b><span lang="EN" style="font-size: 10.5pt; mso-ansi-language: EN;"><span style="color: #be6301;">about.me/emanuelecerroni </span></span></b></a></div>
</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
In those same years, I discovered that I could, and did, become angry for the benefit of others. I felt angry when children were abused. I felt angry when I learned that a neighbor was being abused by her husband. I was fearless about banging on apartment doors or calling the police when I heard a man abusing his wife. I called the police without hesitation, when I witnessed a man attacking his girlfriend in a parking lot.<br />
<br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.blogger.com/" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"></a><a href="http://www.blogger.com/" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"></a>It wasn't until I reached middle-aged that I was finally able to get in touch with the anger over abuse done to me. I didn't like being treated that way. I didn't want anyone else to violate me again. I wasn't "okay with" any type of abuse. Today, I don't choose to be in friendship with people who are comfortable abusing others. I choose nice people to be friends with. Today, I am more patient and understanding in my self-talk--even when I sin or make mistakes. Today, I can acknowledge my anger to myself and then give myself respect as I decide how I want to express or not express my anger to others. Anger is now one of many feelings I experience. Anger isn't bad; it's a signal that invites me to take note of myself, another person's behavior, and my boundaries. <br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.blogger.com/" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"></a><a href="http://www.blogger.com/" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"></a><span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"></span><br />
<br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;">Related posts</span>:<br />
<br />
<a href="http://dazzlingwings.blogspot.com/2009/09/anger.html">Anger</a><br />
<br />
<a href="http://dazzlingwings.blogspot.com/2009/10/who-are-you-blaming.html">Who are You Blaming</a><br />
<br />
<a href="http://dazzlingwings.blogspot.com/2009/04/anger.html">Anger?</a><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;">Tweetables</span>:<br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: 11pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Lies an Abuse Victim Told Herself about Anger <a href="http://clicktotweet.com/xO8y5">Click to Tweet</a></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Are Christians Allowed to Get Angry? <a href="http://clicktotweet.com/bXf4k">Click to Tweet</a></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: 11pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Abuse Breeds Un-Biblical Beliefs about Anger <a href="http://clicktotweet.com/e70A9">Click to Tweet</a></span><br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<h2 class="username">
<span class="url editable-group"><span class="profile-field"></span></span> </h2>
<br />
<br />Tanya T. Warringtonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00838074093892841482noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7986270693452382001.post-41573416753989477532013-06-27T20:51:00.000-05:002013-06-27T20:51:24.679-05:00Letter for Parents with a Sexually Abused ChildDear Fellow Parent,<br />
<br />
If you've just found out that your child has been sexually abused by someone you know, life is suddenly very stressful. What should you do? Who can you trust? How can you help your child? How can you cope with your own feelings of anger and betrayal?<br />
<br />
I've been in your shoes, twice (three kids one time and one kid another time). I don't have pat answers for you, but I feel lots of compassion for you and your child/children. Most likely you feel like you're in the middle of a nightmare that simply cannot be true. You knew children are abused, but not your child. Not like this. Not by this trusted person.<br />
<br />
Chances are, you feel like you've failed your child. How did you not notice sooner? How could you have trusted the perpetrator? We all struggle with these thoughts when our precious child is harmed so seriously by someone we trusted. People who get pleasure out of sexually abusing children are good at what they do. They gain our trust and take advantage of that trust. It's what they do. They seem nice to you and your children. They are often helpful in some way. They often do fun things with the children, as they slowly but methodically prepare the way for future abuse. They are experts at fooling good people.<br />
<br />
You will be more able to help your child if you let go of guilt. No one can protect their child from all harm all the time. No one can function well if they refuse to trust anyone. Admitting to your child that the offender was sneaky and had you totally fooled, will help your child accept his own experience of being tricked. You can reassure your child that if you had known you wouldn't have let this offender get close to the family. It will enable your child to begin feeling safer again.<br />
<br />
Helping your child while your own feelings are in a major upheaval isn't easy. I found it helped to get psychotherapy for myself, as well as for the child. It helped me to have a safe place to process my emotions. Taking care of myself helped me to do a better job of taking care of my hurting child. The more I'd dealt with my own anguish, the better I was able to listen to my child and to be present with them whenever they needed me to be there for them. The more I learned about sexual abuse and recovery, the more I was able to validate my child's feelings and thoughts. <br />
<br />
When our family went through this time of trauma, I learned many things by experience. I learned that I didn't feel like disciplining my child or holding them accountable to our routines. All I really wanted was to shower my child with love and reassurance. But, my kid still needed a parent and needed both rules and routines upheld. My child felt safer with the normalness. <br />
<br />
I also found that some new, temporary rules were needed to deal with my child's coping behaviors. It was no longer a good idea for my child to have a sleepover with anyone until he was far enough along in recovery he wasn't likely to offend another in the same way that he were offended. Instead of sleepovers at a buddy's--we had some living room sleepovers with one or both parents and siblings (since no parent or sibling had been the abuser). Like many sexually abused children, a couple of my kids began cutting themselves. I made a new rule that they weren't to close and lock their bedroom door--and if they did, they knew I would check them for new cut marks. When two of the children reverted to stormy tantrums--we agreed that I would not touch them unless they asked me for a hug, it helped the child to feel safer and more control of his body. We did not allow anyone in the family to keep tickling a family member who said no, because tickling is one grooming behavior that abusers can use to step over a child's boundaries and condition them to feel less powerful. <br />
<br />
Marriages are sometimes destroyed when a child is abused. Mine held together. How? I believe God helped us and we each learned big lessons in honoring our differences. We expressed grief, anger, sorrow, fear, and hope in different ways because of our different genders and personalities. We both learned that their isn't only one right way to deal with tragedy. We learned to be honest, painfully honest about ourselves and to be gentle and compassionate with one another. We learned to trust, respect, and love each other on an even deeper level than before.<br />
<br />
<br />
Your beliefs about God will be put to the test by this experience. You and your child will wonder where God was during the abuse. Why didn't God protect? Your feelings and questions are normal. I can share with you, that even though I felt tempted to quit believing in a good God, the whole experience actually brought me closer to God in the end. I was less niave about sin and more attached to God. I actually became more aware of God's goodness than I was prior to the abuse. God was there for my children and I while we walked through the valley of darkness.<br />
<br />
You have ahead of you several very rough years. It's going to take awhile to settle into a new normal. But I want to reassure you that you and your children can not only survive this time but you have a good future ahead. You and your child will grow. Strength comes from having a realistic understanding that the abuser cannot rob you of the opportunity to grow and change for the better. You will find that your child has a great capacity to heal and so do you. Both you and your child may find that your compassion for others grows bigger.<br />
<br />
I wish you all the best on your difficult journey. When you feel like quitting, I urge you to focus on making it through the next minute, hour, or day. When you feel like yelling at God, go ahead and let God know that. God can handle your anger and fear. When you feel like a horrible parent, give yourself the same care you'd give to a friend if they were going through what you're going through. When you don't know what to try next, pray, talk to a good psychologist and read about sexual abuse recovery. At first things may seem to get worse before they get better...but be assured things really will get better for your child and for you. Hang in there--you and your children really will return to smiling and laughing after you walk through your grief and recovery.<br />
<br />
Love,<br />
A mom who has been there <br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Tanya T. Warringtonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00838074093892841482noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7986270693452382001.post-36121787981791314982013-06-13T18:57:00.004-05:002013-06-13T18:57:35.832-05:00Liar, Liar, Wish Your Pants were on FireI saw a t.v. show recently with an excellent example of a skillful liar. The scene had a straight talking friend and a liar. The friend asked a direct question about whether he was involved in a dangerous situation. The liar gave a clever non-answer of "Wouldn't I tell you if that was so?" The friend tried with another direct question, "Are you saying that you knew nothing about this problem?" They practiced liar responded vaguely again, "I believe that is what I implied."<br />
What he implied? Yes. A statement of truth? No. Make the friend feel like a heel for asking the original question? Yes.<br />
<br />
It reminds me of so many conversations with the abusers of my past.<br />
<br />
Someone who abuses and lies is no fun to live with. Most of us want to believe and trust others, so it can take a long time for us to acknowledge when someone is lying to us or about us on a regular basis. Unfortunately, by the time we understand the compulsive lying, we've already stomached a lot of lies.<br />
<br />
Some clues that another is lying:<br />
1. Won't give you a direct answer. Instead, the liar gives you an answer that implies something or steers you toward believing something they are intentionally not saying.<br />
2. The story changes as it is retold.<br />
3. She speaks so many words about something trivial that you never manage to finish asking the question you wanted to ask.<br />
4. He blends some true details with some sound-like-it-could-be-true details.<br />
5. She changes the subject--frequently --leading everyone far away from the serious concern.<br />
6. You hear him say things regularly to others that totally misrepresent what you know to be the truth. If he'll lie regularly to others, he'll lie to you too.<br />
7. If she regularly says "you don't trust me" or "you offend me" or "of course, you would think that" or "I can't believe you'd think I was lying,"then be wary. The liar is focused on getting the spotlight off of himself and onto you.<br />
8. He leaves you in a state of confusion frequently. You tried to ask a question and what you get back is so convoluted or condescending that you suspect that you are not qualified to ask any questions and you drop the subject.<br />
9. When nothing makes sense she may be hiding the truth.When she is speaking it all seems to make sense, but after she leaves the room you are completely unsure what she just said. She sounded helpful or honest, but what the heck did she just say? <br />
10. His version of the story sounds so sincere it hurts to keep pressing for answers. If the story doesn't line up with known facts, it is the story that is fishy. For example he says he needs you to pay because he has no money, and half an hour later you see that he has lots of money in his wallet. <br />
11. When she keeps telling you that "they" messed up, you should wonder. "They made a mistake, why would I go to a hotel?"<br />
12. If someone says, "You don't believe me? Then call my boss!", that's a dare he doesn't want you to accept. Take it literally, call and check.<br />
<br />
It would be so much easier if their pants really did catch on fire or their noses would grow.Tanya T. Warringtonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00838074093892841482noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7986270693452382001.post-12020730006098194782013-06-09T12:02:00.002-05:002013-06-09T12:02:22.013-05:00Should you Call the Police?When your child is sexually abused by a friend or relative the blow crushes. I know because I've been there. You're forced to deal with broken relationship with someone you trusted, as well as dealing with your child's trauma. It feels awful. <br />
<br />
It takes strength, but for the sake of your child and the other children in your community, you need to report to the proper law enforcement the crimes that have been committed against your child. It doesn't feel good when you do it. You feel shame that you weren't able to protect your child. You feel sad and torn because it doesn't feel loving to report someone you love to the police. You are struggling to cope with it--you might have nightmares, you might feel intense anger that you don't know how to accept, you might feel fearful and wonder who else around you isn't trustworthy. You might feel like your whole world is falling apart and you just want to hide your head under your bed covers. You may feel desperate to help your child but feel totally unequipped for the situation and clueless about how to help him or her. You might fret over whether your child is telling you an accurate story about what happened--what if you're falsely accusing another? Take comfort in knowing that it is very rare for children to falsely accuse another of sexual crimes. Also take comfort in knowing that both you and your child have experienced trauma and shock and that by facing the truth you will both eventually heal.<br />
<br />
<br />
At first, telling the truth to law enforcement may seem to only make life more difficult and painful. The offender will probably deny what they did (at least
initially) and will accuse your child of lying or misunderstanding. The
friend or relative will reassure you that they would never harm a child. If the perpetrator does eventually confess his abusive actions, he likely will claim that he would never do this again and that you should show your forgiveness by dropping the
court case or allowing the perpetrator to have continued contact with
your child. Other relatives or friends may also pressure you about "making
too big a deal" about his "mistake." They may be angry with you for
"rocking the boat." They may blame you for ruining the perpetrator's
life. Remember that abuse isn't a mistake and abusers don't voluntarily
give up abusing without intensive professional help. It may also help to
remember that experts believe that by the time a sexual abuser is caught
he is on his 6th-7th victim. <br />
<br />
<br />
From my personal experiences as an abused child and as a parent of abused children, I know that reporting the crime to the proper authorities will help your child heal. He will feel believed. He will feel safer. Keeping silent about the abuse, on the other hand, can increase your child's sense of shame, lack of security and safety. Sometimes parents wonder if not talking about the abuse will help the child forget and be less traumatized about the whole incident. However, hiding the abuse doesn't make the child have permanent amnesia about what happened--it just makes them feel worse about what happened and much worse about themselves. You have the opportunity to be your child's advocate and to help them navigate a difficult experience with your love wrapped around him or her.<br />
<br />
In addition to helping your own child, you are doing your community a service when you report the abuse. It might protect other children from the same fate at the hands of your child's perpetrator. Silence guarantees that your relative or friend will have the ability to continue abusing--and getting away with it.<br />
<br />
Furthermore, reporting the crime that has been committed also gives the relative or friend who perpetrated crime against your child the opportunity to tell the truth and to receive help for his or her problem. He or she won't thank you for doing it--but in the long-run, you're giving him or her the opportunity for a better life.<br />
<br />
Sometimes parents want to preserve the relationship with the perpetrator--they don't want to face the loss of a sibling or parent or friend. But keeping the secret can never erase the damage that was done to your relationship, no matter what you say or do. Trust has been broken. It seems surreal to call a friend or relative a "perpetrator," but if
that is what they do in secret then it is the only appropriate
terminology. A friend who abuses children, isn't the friend you thought
they were--and exposing them is a difficult but necessary tough-love
type of decision.<br />
<br />
A relative who abuses your child will not get better
with a family chat--they need at least 2-3 years of intensive
psychotherapy to have even a chance of resisting the urge to abuse more
children in the future. To try to continue on as if nothing really happened only opens the door for your child to be re-victimized and reinforces the abuser's belief that he or she is entitled to treat children however he or she wants. The abuser is driven by a conviction that his or her own pleasure is all that matters. Getting in trouble with the law and receiving help from psychologists is the only way that an abuser might learn to care about how his or her abusive actions affect others. <br />
<br />
It isn't easy, and many people don't understand how abuse works or how powerfully secrecy works against the victims--but years down the line, you and your child won't regret your call to tell the police about the crime committed against your child. Together you and your child will face the flood of emotions and sort out the confusing thoughts and will emerge as stronger and more loving people. <br />
<br />Tanya T. Warringtonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00838074093892841482noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7986270693452382001.post-19726816199495316482013-06-05T11:12:00.001-05:002013-06-05T11:12:26.564-05:00He Said He Loved MeHe said he loved me<br />
He opened car doors and gave me flowers<br />
He said I was the only one who understood him<br />
He said he wanted me to marry him<br />
<br />
<br />
He said he loved me<br />
He hit our walls and gave me bruises<br />
He said I didn't understand him <br />
He said I should never leave him<br />
<br />
He said he loved me<br />
He talked at me, not with me, for exhausting hours<br />
He said I wasn't helping him, just as no one else ever had<br />
He said he needed me<br />
<br />
He said he loved me<br />
He told me he was right and gave me threats<br />
He said I must never say no to him, or else<br />
He said he knew how to blow up my car<br />
<br />
He said he loved me<br />
I heard his words and hung on<br />
I ignored his actions and paid prices<br />
I said I would never leave him<br />
<br />
I loved who I thought he was<br />
I loved who I hoped he could be<br />
His behavior pushed me down and took all I had<br />
His version of love made us both become less<br />
<br />
He didn't really know about love<br />
His behavior was harmful to us both<br />
I never could help him or fix him<br />
I learned finally to say good-by<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Tanya T. Warringtonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00838074093892841482noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7986270693452382001.post-46590393209938602262013-05-20T17:14:00.001-05:002013-05-20T17:14:56.213-05:00Love Wasn't Enough<br />
<br />
We loved each other<br />
I loved who he seemed to be <br />
Thinking he just needed my help<br />
to heal his old hurts <br />
<br />
I saw love as a cocoon<br />
He was a prince who lacked confidence<br />
A young man who'd had bad luck<br />
A person with lots of potential <br />
<br />
I saw myself as a gentle love<br />
Whose acceptance would unlock treasures<br />
I caught glimpses of buried under layers<br />
of what he did--but he surely didn't intend<br />
<br />
I believed our love would be enough<br />
to carry us through any marital difficulties<br />
raising him above self-destructiveness<br />
and strengthening me to carry us both <br />
<br />
I married without understanding<br />
who he really was<br />
I didn't see his attitudes<br />
Yes, he wanted me--to own and control<br />
<br />
I wanted to help him--<br />
He wanted me to fear him;<br />
I couldn't help him become the prince<br />
Whom I thought was hidden in the beast<br />
<br />
<br />Tanya T. Warringtonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00838074093892841482noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7986270693452382001.post-89898982126240318592013-05-09T18:19:00.000-05:002013-05-09T18:19:24.690-05:00Overcome Evil with GoodLooking at the evil things in this life can become overwhelming if we let it. Addressing memories of abuse is important for good mental and physical health, but it does not need to be a twenty-four hours a day preoccupation. One good way to maintain balance while working through bad memories and difficult counseling sessions is to make an extra effort to pratice gratitude. This isn't about pretending that bad things aren't so bad (minimization). This is about seeing the bad things that have happened and also seeing that there are good things in life that we can rejoice in (realistic balance). We can save ourselves from becoming caught up in a non-ending self-pity loop or a fatalistic belief that there will never be any good things in life for us. <br />
<br />
Look for positive moments in your day. Take the time to notice how God is blessing you and tell him thanks. Simple things like sparkling snow covered bushes, an encouraging phone call, or laughter with one of your children counts. Be on the look out, I know you'll find things.<br />
<br />
Create positive moments. Intentionally give a smile, a friendly wave or a hug as a way to express gratitude to the people in your life. Watch a comedy. Say thank you to anyone who serves you in any way today.<br />
<br />
As you attend to your emotional and physical needs, thank your Creator for your emotions and your body. As you eat, say thank you for the provision of food. As you drive, thank God for your vehicle or as you ride the bus thank Him for public transportation.<br />
<br />
If you're blue about your past, try grounding yourself in the present--be grateful for something or someone in this day. You're on a marathon of healing, not a sprint. Taking time for gratitude will make it a more enjoyable journey. Gratitude for the good in your life increases hope, decreases stress hormones and raises our courage--its a behavior that will bless you and others as you walk toward wholeness.<br />
<br />
<br />Tanya T. Warringtonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00838074093892841482noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7986270693452382001.post-49412725540945359742013-05-05T13:23:00.001-05:002013-10-23T13:04:46.756-05:00Changed Perspective on Forgiveness<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Giving and receiving true forgiveness is essential if you want to find positive
relationships and stay away from harmful relationships. Abuse by its very nature, doesn't include a life-giving version of forgiveness. It is either missing entirely or is warped. </span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">In the years of living in abusive situations, I knew forgiveness
was important but I didn’t know what it looked like. I watched one parent hold
onto bitterness and hatred. A person became bad in her eyes forever.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And the worst offense another could commit
was to set a boundary or to be critical of the abuser that she had married. The
abuser was “good” and everyone else, including herself, could easily be thrown
into the “bad” column of her mind. “Bad” people deserved punishment and
withdrawal of support and love.</span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I watched my other parent, the one who often became emotionally or sexually abusive,
never apologize for anything—no matter how violating or outrageous his behavior
had been. He came across as believing that he was always right and that
everyone else had problems that he alone knew how to correct. He was the king who put
up with all the little people who were weak, being less good, less knowledgeable, and less
smart than himself. No one was excluded, everyone, except himself, qualified for being one of the lesser
people.</span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">In my first marriage, I lived with an abuser who rarely
apologized and when he did it was convoluted. His apologies always turned
out to be an apology that<i> I</i> misread his actions or words. He never admitted or apologized for his words and actions. When he "forgave" me, he put me in my place and controlled me. When I tried to extend forgiveness to him for the abuse, he interpretated as a green light to continue abusing in the future.</span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">With each of these people, I believed that they expected more of me than I could ever deliver. I didn't feel understood or cherished. I didn't feel safe. I responded to my environment by trying harder and harder to be perfect. I desperately wanted to be good enough, but could never get there. An impossible goal, that ate away at any sense that I was worth being valued or respected or forgiven. When these people "forgave" me, I felt inferior, shamed, and alone. </span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">After, I left my abuser my understanding of forgiveness
changed. I learned from the Bible that God forgave all my wrongs out of his
love for me. He forgives and embraces us with his love and care. I learned that God wants me to forgive others when they harm me. I’m
urged not to reserve forgiveness for only those whom I like, but to forgive
my enemies as well. This forgiveness doesn’t come out of being a great person of superior
character, it is a loving act that my God has modeled for me--and that He gives me the love and power to pass on to others. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I have learned through experience that true forgiveness isn't about pretending that no harm was done. When I fully forgive, I have fully acknowledged and felt all the pain the other initiated with his/her harmful behavior. True forgiveness acknowledges
the emotional pain, and yet chooses to let go of
seeking any revenge or payback. When I am forgiving abuse, I also need to let go of my perceived right to resent the other person or to hold myself hostage to any self-abusive reasoning that tries to excuse or deny or take the blame for the other's behavior. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">And, the best and hardest thing for an abused person to believe, true forgiveness doesn't require that we re-submit to more abuse. It doesn't embrace a victim mentality. We can forgive past abuse <i>and</i> keep ourselves safe from future abuse. If the abuser never shows that he/she has changed, we don't need to give him/her more opportunities to abuse us. It takes time and effort to believe that we really can say no to abuse because it is the opposite of the victim ideas that we adopt to survive under abuse. Our highly developed sense of guilt and shame work against us in our early attempts to forgive and to set healthy boundaries to step out of the abuser's reach. </span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I now give forgiveness in healthy relationships with people.
When I consciously forgiven others for hurting me, I experience
humble awareness of my own lack of perfection and gratefulness for God’s love. The
giving of forgiveness lifts away my judgemental attitude. I find myself loving the other more than I did before.</span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">When I feel I have done wrong, I feel free to apologize to
the other and to forgive myself. I receive God’s forgiveness every time. When
the person I’ve hurt also extends grace-filled forgiveness, I feel humility and
joy, empowering me to make any adjustments to my thoughts and behavior. I feel
accepted and loved. I am grateful. I am inspired to keep forgiving others and
inspired to understand myself and others better. I am inspired to freely give
grace. I feel more connected to God and to the rest of the human race. It's radically different than how I was trained as a child--it's much more fruitful and life-giving.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">How is your journey of learning about forgiveness coming along?</span></div>
Tanya T. Warringtonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00838074093892841482noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7986270693452382001.post-43064312774963807152013-04-26T17:31:00.001-05:002013-04-26T17:31:46.438-05:00Abuse Clues from a ChildAbuse Clues from a Child<br />
<br />
I screamed and cried<br />
you saw me didn't you?<br />
I left you clues<br />
so you could help me<br />
<br />
I left out the bloody things<br />
I let a bruise show<br />
I became deathly quiet at important odd times<br />
I begged not to be left alone<br />
<br />
I tried to tell you<br />
showing you the best I could<br />
I didn't know how to say it<br />
But I knew I needed help<br />
<br />Tanya T. Warringtonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00838074093892841482noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7986270693452382001.post-26739301313557227182013-04-20T09:58:00.000-05:002013-10-01T13:01:58.540-05:00Why Did I Stay?Whenever I talk with someone who doesn't have direct experience with abuse, she wants to know why women stay? Why does she allow the abuse to continue? Those of us who have lived in abuse know the answer is a long one. If you're currently in spousal abuse, I am hoping that the following list would also help you to get in touch with your deepest feelings.<br />
<br />
I stayed with an abusive spouse for forteen years because:<br />
<ol>
<li><strong>My childhood traumas had already pre-conditioned me</strong>: I had already been raped many times. I'd already been screamed at lots. I'd already weathered many emotional attacks and barbs. In my soul I believed that I must deserve it. </li>
<li><strong>I had made a vow</strong> to God, family and friends so I was determined to keep my word. For a long time, I treated my husband's "anger problem" as fitting the part in vow about staying married even "in sickness." I didn't want to be a quitter.</li>
<li><strong>I wanted to be a great mom and was convinced that meant I had to stay married, no matter what.</strong> I didn't want my kids to go through the pain of divorce. I didn't want to be responsible for them growing up in a single parent home. </li>
<li><strong>I felt a very strong attachment to my husband</strong>: I loved him. Not just an ordinary love, but the ramped up version that kidnap victims experience (Stockholm Syndrome). I couldn't imagine that I could ever be happy without him.</li>
<li><strong>I felt pity for my husband and didn't want to cause him further injury</strong>: He'd been abused as a child. He'd been laid off many times. He was dependent on me emotionally. He had a tough time dealing with any stress.</li>
<li><strong>I was adept at minimization:</strong> It wasn't that bad. Other people had to live in much worse environments. I didn't want to be a wimp.</li>
<li><strong>I had become adept at denial:</strong> I was shut down emotionally. I felt like a dead woman who still walked around and did things. I had no passion to empower me. </li>
<li><strong>I always wanted to believe that it wouldn't happen anymore:</strong> There wouldn't be a next time because he'd finally understand the pain he was causing. He'd get healthier emotionally with help from God. </li>
<li><strong>I was exhausted and felt prematurely ancient:</strong> My energy was gone. Surviving had taken everything I had.</li>
<li><strong>I feared my husband might commit suicide:</strong> He'd used suicidal phrases throughout the years. If I left with the children. How would I live with that guilt? How could I treat someone I loved that way?</li>
<li><strong>My spouse had ensured that I was isolated:</strong> Without a support system it is difficult to make drastic changes. When I did leave, I did get help from several women I had persistently stayed in touch with, even though my husband objected.</li>
<li><strong>My financial freedom had been stripped:</strong> I had no independent source of money or credit. It was all tied to him. I was a stay-at-home mom who rarely had any cash in her wallet.</li>
<li><strong>I had no idea how I would financially support myself and my three children on my own. </strong>I virtually had no self-esteem left.</li>
<li><strong>I was afraid of him:</strong> He had given me and my children bruises and he had many threats. I didn't want to imagine what he'd do if I tried to leave.</li>
</ol>
I finally left when the harm he was willing to inflict on the children terrified me. I knew I had to protect my children. When I prayed about it, I felt that God was telling me that I had to leave now in order to keep my children safe and to give them a decent life.Tanya T. Warringtonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00838074093892841482noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7986270693452382001.post-49568357969344418912013-04-17T11:31:00.000-05:002013-04-17T11:31:01.315-05:00Boston Marathon Victims and other Victims: Innocent BystandersBoston Marathon Victims and other Victims: Innocent Bystanders<br />
<br />
When people suffer for any reason it is upsetting. When people suffer because one human being or a group of human beings has become violent it is tragic. It's the innocent bystanders who are wounded. They have nothing to do with the other's violence--they didn't say anything or do anything inappropriate, they didn't ask for attention and they didn't deserve any pain. They were just at the wrong place at the wrong time. And our hearts cry out at the unfairness and randomness. Our hearts rail against the violence that keeps welling up in our world. It shouldn't be this way; our souls know it. <br />
<br />
Violence. How much nicer this world would be if no one hurt others with bombs or blows or threats of bodily harm. And yet violence seems to be increasing, not decreasing. People doing normal things in normal places--have their days and their lives traumatically cut short or altered by someone who isn't reasonable or responsible. There is nothing a bystander can do to gaurantee that they will never be there when violence bursts out. Nothing. We humans don't like that. We want to be able to ensure our own safety. But sometimes we are caught by another's violence. It's awful. <br />
<br />
To all the bystanders who have suffered physically in the Boston tragedy or witnessed the tragedy and to all the bystanders in families who have witnessed or become the target of violence, may you find rest tonight and healing in the days to come. God cares. Bystanders are important people to Him. He knows each by name. He can heal wounds, both physical and emotional. He will be there for each of us no matter what. No matter how much evil has been done it cannot cancel out the true goodness and love that God is.<br />
<br />
May the God of all comfort, comfort you. May the God of love, wrap you up in a blanket of healing love. May the God who sees those who are treated as if they had no dignity, lift you up and carry you through bad memories and fresh reminders. <br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Tanya T. Warringtonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00838074093892841482noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7986270693452382001.post-75540189263503767402013-02-28T12:25:00.004-06:002013-11-07T18:33:27.305-06:00I Lost MyselfWhile I lived with an abuser, I lost myself:<br />
<br />
<ul>
<li>Pleasing the abuser became more important than knowing what I thought or desired.</li>
<li>Hiding from the painful truth became more important than paying attention to my emotions. I became emotionally numb.</li>
<li>Believing the abuser meant suspending reality to embrace irrational beliefs and conflicting stories.</li>
<li>Staying really busy meant I didn't have time to think about what kind of life I was living.</li>
<li>Taking care of others became essential and self-care became mostly non-existent.</li>
<li>Having needs wasn't allowed, so I just ignored my needs until I didn't even know that I had any needs.</li>
<li>Saying I was fine when I really wasn't, helped me enter a land of continual fogginess.</li>
<li>I forgot what made me happy.</li>
<li>I forgot my likes and dislikes. All that mattered was what the abuser didn't like about me.</li>
<li>I couldn't think of even five things that I liked about myself.</li>
<li>My mind was continually on the alert for danger.</li>
<li>I couldn't sleep soundly because abuse happened during the night too.</li>
<li>I couldn't problem solve effectively. I was paralyzed by fear.</li>
<li>Choices seemed almost impossible. I didn't know my own mind or heart most of the time. </li>
</ul>
As I have recovered from abuse, I have re-discovered myself and have grown to like myself just the way I am. <br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Tanya T. Warringtonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00838074093892841482noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7986270693452382001.post-2835075042974665312013-02-15T08:00:00.000-06:002013-11-12T16:23:27.166-06:00Is it Abuse?I never used the word <i>abuse</i> until I had left the abusers behind and had spent years not being abused and actively working on healing. When you're living in abuse, it is difficult to correctly identify our situation as abuse. Our mind works hard to protect us, the abuser works hard to confuse us and our emotions have packed up and aren't giving us any input.<br />
<br />
Following are hints that you should really consider accepting that you're living with an abuser:<br />
<ul>
<li>You always seem to be wrong about most everything. And the other person is definitely always right.</li>
<li>You find yourself apologizing daily, and may have built up to apologizing every hour of every day. Sometimes you wonder to yourself why you just apologized for something you didn't actually do or say.</li>
<li>You often believe you must have misunderstood what the other just said. You must have. </li>
<li>You're pretty much, okay. A long flat line of okay and a complete absence of feeling word vocabulary.</li>
<li>You have bruises you hide.</li>
<li>You find it difficult to make any choices. </li>
<li>You seem to have become "too sensitive" because that's what you're told anytime you realize that you feel hurt by the other's words or actions.</li>
<li>You spend lots of energy on trying to make the other happy--but you fail regularly.</li>
<li> You think your spouse might have some sort of anger issue but it isn't loving to talk about it</li>
<li>You feel restricted. Your partner has become the one who decides how you dress, who you talk to, where you go, how much you can spend, etc.</li>
<li>You often feel confused. Things just don't add up well. Your partner or parent must be telling you the truth--but it doesn't make sense.</li>
<li>You feel small and stupid much of the time when you're at home. </li>
<li>You often feel like you're walking on eggshells.</li>
<li>Every time the other is nicer or neutral, you feel hopes that things are going to get better.</li>
<li>You feel like you try so hard to keep the other from being upset again, but it is never enough for any length of time.</li>
<li>You feel sorry for the person you're living with. Life seems so painful for him or her. If only you could get him or her to see how much you love him or her, then he or she would feel much better and behave much better.</li>
<li>Sometimes you wonder if you're going crazy.</li>
<li>You've become afraid to answer his or her questions directly--you've learned that any answer you give is likely to lead to trouble you don't want.</li>
<li>Your love for the other person feels really big--no matter how he or she treats you. </li>
<li>The longer you live with this person, the smaller, dumber, uglier, and more incompetent you feel. You feel powerless.</li>
<li>You feel shame. You think it must be your fault--you don't really know how it is your fault, but you still think it must be what you deserve.</li>
</ul>
If several of the following behaviors are true about the person you live with, you are <i>likely</i> living with an abuser. If much of the list is true, you<i> are</i> living with an abuser:<br />
<ul>
<li>He or she traps you during disagreements--blocking the exit.</li>
<li>He or she grabs you, pushes you, trips you or hits you. </li>
<li>He or she threatens to harm your pet, your children, your siblings or yourself. </li>
<li>He or she coerces you to do sexual things you don't want to do.</li>
<li>He or she seems like two different people--a nicer person and a cruel person.</li>
<li>He or she typically tells you what you think and feel (You're not cold. You aren't thirsty.) </li>
<li>He or she rages at you for long periods of time.</li>
<li>There are two sets of rules. One for you and one for the other. The other is the one who is the expert on all rules. He or she gets upset frequently.</li>
<li>He or she punishes you as if you were a bad child.</li>
<li>He or she regularly breaks promises. </li>
<li>He or she pounds walls, tables, steering wheels etc. when upset.</li>
<li>He or she blames the world. Nothing ever seems to be their fault.</li>
<li>He or she either never apologizes or apologizes frequently with tears--either way their wrong behavior continues.</li>
<li>He or she regularly belittles you.</li>
<li>He or she abuses alcohol or drugs and then goes into rages or hyper-controlling behavior.</li>
<li>He or she is chronically suspicious of your motives.</li>
<li>He or she was abused as a child and hasn't healed. </li>
<li>He or she uses non-verbal messages to control you in public.</li>
<li>He or she does something cruel and then acts like it never happened.</li>
<li>Whenever you try to confront the other, you end up in a worse position.</li>
<li>He or she throws things when he or she is upset. </li>
<li>If he or she says that grass is purple you must agree, or risk being harmed or belittled.</li>
</ul>
I hope that this helps someone identify his or her situation. Awareness is the first step to making new and different choices. <br />
<ul>
</ul>
<br />
<br />Tanya T. Warringtonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00838074093892841482noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7986270693452382001.post-75018140877027483772013-02-05T12:11:00.001-06:002013-02-05T12:11:46.140-06:00Child's Secret SongI didn't want you<br />
to touch me like that<br />
I didn't invite you <br />
to make me powerless<br />
<br />
I don't like you the same<br />
as I did before you began<br />
secret games and punishments<br />
I like you, but I hate you too<br />
<br />
I said no<br />
But you wouldn't listen<br />
You threatened me<br />
And over-rode my will<br />
<br />
You were bigger than me<br />
You should have known better<br />
You hurt me<br />
You broke me<br />
<br />
I may be small<br />
but I'm still a person<br />
I can say no and be right<br />
I will tell others what you've done<br />
<br />Tanya T. Warringtonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00838074093892841482noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7986270693452382001.post-80349250913480419682013-01-27T11:57:00.000-06:002013-01-27T11:57:29.055-06:00Consider the SourceI used to believe everything others told me about myself. I had lost my own self-image and relied on what others said I was. When an abuser told me I was selfish for stating a need, I tried harder to have no needs. When an abuser told me I was dishonest, I searched my soul with suspicion. When an abuser treated me as worthless, I believed I didn't have worth. When an abuser told me I deserved punishment, I berated myself. When an abuser told me that I had no patience, I greived and poured out even more patience. I had no awareness that I was allowing abusers control me with their harsh judgements. But by trying to continually reshape myself to the other's demands--I was handing the other power to control me. <br />
<br />
I didn't evaluate the abuser's integrity or motives. I didn't ask questions. I figured that a father, a mother, a boyfriend, or a husband, would always tell me the truth because they claimed to love me. It didn't occur to me that people's words and motives could be vastly different.<br />
<br />
I was a very young child when abuse began and there was much I didn't understand about the world.
After abuse and plenty of recovery work, I now understand why it's important to consider the source of words that wound. Has the speaker a reputation of speaking honestly with me and others? Is the speaker trying to force my compliance? Is the speaker angry? Is the speaker generally kind to me? Do I trust the speaker because they have won my trust with consistent goodness and honesty?
Even more importantly, do I agree with the person's words? Do I have any idea what my strengths and weaknesses are? Would I have considered myself lazy, selfish, mean, stupid, provocative, slutty, etc. without the speaker's insistence? If someone else, besides myself, said or did as I have done, would I label them with the term the speaker is labeling me?<br />
<br />
Even a trusted friend can be mistaken about what our character is or about what our motives are. Misunderstandings happen. Abusive people aren't making honest mistakes in judgement, however, they are actively working on tearing down the self-confidence and security of the people they abuse. Their words aren't about speaking truth, they are about controlling and manipulating.<br />
<br />
If I don't keep a realistic view of myself that is independent of another's criticism, I can end up with a greatly mishapen view of myself that changes whenever the abuser has a reason to make me feel bad about myself. If the abuser can keep me focused on what a horrible person or inadequate person I am, then I won't be examining what he or she is doing or why. If I believe I'm lazy because he or she makes me feel that I must be lazy, then I don't wonder why I'm doing the other person's work for them. If I think I am stupid because he ensures that I feel stupid, then I'm not able to question the rationality of the demands put on me. If I question my selfishness level because she says that I am selfish, then I don't have time to consider how selfish the abuser's behavior is.<br />
<br />
When an abuser is running the show, criticism's are flung frequently. They are designed to hit us low and keep us down. The words of an abuser drag us ever downward, until we feel no self-trust or self-love. The tongue of an abuser leads to us feeling worse about ourselves with a hopeless sense that we are too little to ever be good enough.<br />
<br />
To regain a more accurate sense of self involves breaking the isolation of abuse. We need input from healthy people who have no desire to manipulate and control us. We need space and time without the continual barrage of abuse to begin to hear our own inner knowing about ourselves. Three years before I left my abusing spouse, I began breaking out of my confusion and isolation. I began reading self-help books, working with a psychologist, reaching out in friendship to women who had healthier lives than myself. These steps helped me to begin questioning the motives of my abusers and I began to discover that others saw many good attributes in me and disagreed with the negative judgements of the abuser. And miraculously, my confusion began lifting and I began to see myself in a better light. I also began noticing that all my chameleon-like changes to please the abuser never resulted in the abuser being pleased for any length of time. As I saw the futility of pleasing my abuser, I began to realize that maybe I could live a better life without the abuser.<br />
<br />
Now I live without any abusers. My life is much happier. It has been a gradual process but I now like myself. I no longer will allow another to convince me that I am a horrible person who deserves abuse. It simply isn't the truth about myself, or about anyone else. No one deserves to be abused. Tanya T. Warringtonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00838074093892841482noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7986270693452382001.post-15840645034715501182012-12-28T12:04:00.001-06:002013-10-01T12:57:27.394-05:00Victim Blues<br />
When I lived with abusers I apologized frequently for things that weren't logical or healthy. It is a real sign of growth when we apologize only for our own poor behavior. In remembrance of the old days and my old ways, here's a tragic poem.<br />
<br />
<br />
Victim Blues<br />
<br />
"I'm sorry"<br />
That I'm not enough<br />
and I mess up<br />
again and again, somehow<br />
<br />
"I'm sorry"<br />
You're not happy with me,<br />
not today, or any day,<br />
Or even any half day<br />
<br />
I'm sorry for making you angry again<br />
I'm sorry for misreading your mind<br />
I'm sorry for questioning your motives<br />
I'm sorry I am so frustrating and faulty<br />
<br />
<br />
"I'm sorry"<br />
For having need<br />
and leaking a feeling<br />
for not remaining forever numb<br />
<br />
"I'm sorry"<br />
Words I said daily<br />
and which the abuser never said<br />
words that held me trapped<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Tanya T. Warringtonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00838074093892841482noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7986270693452382001.post-77035181368382685852012-10-09T14:50:00.001-05:002012-10-09T14:50:36.645-05:00Recovery from Abuse<br />
<br />
Rescues a life<br />
from endless suffering<br />
but requires facing the pain<br />
as it moves along slowly<br />
<br />
Releases us from<br />
shame's heavy burdens<br />
and clears the way for<br />
new choices<br />
<br />
Restores dignity<br />
renews faith<br />
brings hope<br />
for better tomorrows<br />
Tanya T. Warringtonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00838074093892841482noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7986270693452382001.post-72979398157103369612012-10-04T18:38:00.001-05:002012-10-04T18:38:57.623-05:00Myths I Told MyselfI told myself myths to try to make sense out of my confusing marriage. I didn't recognize the role of myth-telling in supporting my denial.<br />
<br />
I told myself:<br />
<ul>
<li>My spouse really does love me</li>
<li>I must have heard him incorrectly</li>
<li>I must be misunderstanding him</li>
<li>Since we love each other, everything will work out</li>
<li>He tells me the truth about myself</li>
<li>He tells me the truth about himself</li>
<li>He doesn't mean what he just said</li>
<li>He would never do that thing he just threatened</li>
<li>He just needs lots of my love to shore up his insecurity</li>
<li>My love and God's love will change him</li>
<li>He didn't mean to hurt me</li>
<li>He won't do this ever again</li>
<li>His tears mean that things are going to change for the better</li>
<li>His tears mean that he really does care and wants to do better</li>
<li>When things don't add up, it's because I'm stupid</li>
<li>When he is in a better job environment, he will start be less angry</li>
<li>If I would be more perfect, he wouldn't need to be angry with me</li>
<li>If I forgive him, he will have the courage to stop exploding</li>
<li>He just has an anger issue</li>
<li>Good wives hang in their no matter how miserable a marriage is</li>
<li>I just need to focus on his good qualities</li>
<li>He's trying to do better</li>
<li>It can't be abuse</li>
</ul>
It was abuse. His love wasn't healthy. And all my wishful thinking made no difference at all. Facing the truth is what changed my life for the better. When I stepped out of denial, I was able to make new choices and free myself and my children from the abuser. <br />
<ul>
</ul>
Tanya T. Warringtonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00838074093892841482noreply@blogger.com0