Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Is this Good for You?

Is it good for you?  This is a short question with huge ramifications.

Photo by Philippe Donn

As former victims, we are more likely to base decisions on unconscious questions such as "Will the other person be mad if I say I don't want to do this?" or "I can survive a little more; what difference will it really make?" or "Will my doing this help this other person out?"

I am learning that this other-focused way of making decisions is insidious and well-ingrained.  It may have helped me in the past.  Caring more about the other's reaction or needs, rather than evaluating my own feelings and needs, gave me at least some illusion of power in situations of powerlessness.

But now that I am free from abuse and establishing a more healthy lifestyle, I need to know how decisions will affect me.  I need to know if a food, medicine, or relationship choice is good for me.  I am not a backup actor; instead, I have a starring role in being responsible for my health choices.  Will I spend time with someone who drains me?  Will I do something I do not want to do because somebody else thinks I should?  Will I eat a food that has no nutrient value?  Will I alternate sitting and standing throughout the day to respect my physical limitations?  Will I spend lots of time with someone who is always angry?  Will I participate in gossip?  Will I let more abusive people into my inner circle? 

How about you?  Do you need to think about whether choices are good for you?  The good news is we make many decisions daily, so there is plenty of turf on which to practice.  Start asking yourself, "Is this good for me?"

If we don't know whether or not something is good for us, we can ask the God who has promised to give wisdom to all who ask.  "If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him." James 1:5 (NIV)

God, bless our minds with your wisdom, our hearts with receptiveness to the truth, and our wills ready to act in line with Your will. Amen.


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Sunday, January 17, 2010

Sex Trafficking


Twelve years old is the average age of girls who are sexually trafficked in the United States. Most of them are girls who ran away from an abusive home.  I learned these facts at church today and didn't know whether to scream or cry!  In my own country!  Twelve years old!  Puberty's onset for the early birds and ahead of it for most girls.  How horrifying!

What can a former victim do to help protect and free current victims of sexual crimes?  It is a question that I think most former victims ask at some point.  How can we help end the pain and the tragedy?  How can we save children from such a fate?

One thing is clear: Different organizations are banding together to give it attention. These groups include the Emancipation Network, the Salvation Army, the Faith Alliance Against Slavery and Trafficking, the US Department of Health and Human Services, the National Center for Missing & Exploited Children, and The Silver Braid.  Supporting any of these organizations or participating in their programs is one way we can help.

Other possible ways to help might include:
1.  Educating ourselves and then educating others on the problems of sexual exploitation and sexual abuse of children.
2.  Speaking up and having a voice when the topic is brought up anywhere.
3.  Report it whenever we have suspicions that a child is being abused or exploited.
4.  Teach our sons to respect women.
5.  Treat pornography as evil and educate your children about how damaging pornography is to both individuals and society.
6.  Put porn protection programs on our family computer.
7.  Let the shame be the perpetrator's and share our story with others. It helps others to know where to turn for help.  It also helps educate others around us on the helplessness of a dependent child and the damage caused by abuse.
8.  Create a home where all family members feel safe, loved, and respected.  Allow children to have a voice.
9.  Get help and support from counselors and organizations if any of your children are ever sexually abused by someone.  Don't let family or friend connections stop you from getting help from your child and yourself.
10. Carry the phone numbers of help agencies in your purse so that you can give the information to someone who is hurting.
11.  Pray for the children who are being abused.
12.  Follow the promptings of the Holy Spirit.  Your obedience may allow God to use you to change a child's life someday.

We are former victims. We understand the pain. We are no longer helpless. We can help to whatever extent God urges.
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Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Impediment to Relaxation

A former life full of abuse does not make one laid back.  Truly, deeply relaxing is foreign when you've spent years being on constant alert, watching your abuser and assessing your level of danger.  Like a rabbit or deer, your ears are attuned to the constant threat of the predator.

Years after I stopped engaging in abusive relationships, I realized that I was rarely relaxed.  There was always a tightness inside and always a suspicion that, at any moment, abuse might walk back into my life.  Working on abuse survivor issues with a qualified counselor has helped considerably, but relaxation itself has taken concentrated effort for me.  I am improving step by step.


Photo by Riccardo

Recently, a doctor told me, "Sometimes you just need to relax and watch a good movie." I love a good movie, but too often, I keep my hands and eyes busy doing something productive while I am "watching." Splitting my focus like that doesn't allow for optimal relaxation.  I knew it as soon as she made her comment.  I need to allow myself to just focus on one thing at a time so that my mind and body can relax more.

I'm far from an expert on relaxation, but I am writing about it because it is important.  Not just lovely but necessary.  God didn't design our bodies to be constantly alert, pumping adrenaline frequently. It damages the body over time when we never relax.  I have learned this the hard way.  My body has gone on strike and left me with fibromyalgia.

So how can we relax when we've been terrorized by one or more abusers who insisted through words and/or actions that our needs had no significance?

Here is what I am discovering:

1.  Getting to know God deeper and asking Him to help me trust Him more has been revolutionary.  I now know, absolutely know, that God is for me, not against me.  I know that my Creator loves me.  I know that my soul is safe with Him forever.  Knowing these things with my heart and soul has made relaxing safe.

2.  Relaxation exercises are helpful.  The simplest one is to breathe deeply and slowly, allowing your chest and stomach to rise and fall slowly and restfully.  It lowers your stress level and sends much-needed oxygen to your limbs.

3.  A warm bath (not hot) relaxes the muscles and the mind.  Adding lavender or bath salts and lighting candles nearby also enhances the experience.

4.  Sitting outside and staring at the clouds, the birds, or the breeze moving the tree branches is soothing.

5. Regular exercise lowers stress levels. So, set up a schedule and get moving. If you have been sedentary, start small(e.g., a 5-10 minute walk) and build up.

6.  Spend social time with upbeat people.  Life is too short to invest your precious downtime with negative people.

7.  Learn to say no to overburdening your schedule.  Every second should not be committed.

8.  Repeat to yourself that spending time doing things you love is healthy and healing.  (It is not wrong or selfish!)

Let's say yes to times of relaxation, smiles, and laughter.  This life is full of trials, but it does not need to be all work and no play.  You're too precious for that.  You'd be worried if your child or sister refused to ever recreate or relax--you're just as important, and your needs are just as real.  So, learn to relinquish responsibilities for a few minutes each day.  Breathe deeply and do something enjoyable and renewing.
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Friday, January 1, 2010

Ways to Help Your Children Heal


How can we help our children heal from abuse?  As much as we would like to, we cannot wave a magic wand and fix all the broken places in their spirits.  Abuse hurts everyone in the family.  If we separate from the abuser and focus on healing for ourselves and our children--we have made a huge, positive impact on our children's futures.  But there is much more we can do if we focus on helping ourselves and our children to heal.  Not just survive--but heal.

Here is a list of doable tips on how to provide a healing environment for your children and yourself:

1.  Ask God to heal you and your children.  Too often, we forget to ask, but without God's help, nothing of lasting value is possible.  God alone knows every hurting place in each child.

2.  Resolve to create an abuse-free home and commit to never dwelling in denial again.  Both will take effort, but the rewards will be invaluable.

2.  Find counseling for you and your children.  Don't let a lack of money deter your search.  Some counselors charge reduced fees.  Ask for contacts from your church and from your county health department.

3.  Trust your children's pacing.  Allow them to initiate conversations about their other parent.  Focus on listening.  What is your child feeling or wondering?  Respond simply and briefly.

4.  Tell the truth in simple, calm language and tone when your child wants to know why you and the other parent are separated or divorced.  Be trustworthy.

5.  Maintain as much routine as possible.  This will help the children feel more secure.

6.  Do not abandon discipline.  Yes, the children have experienced a lot, but they need reasonable boundaries to feel secure and loved.

7.  Have fun with your children.  It will lift your spirits and help relieve some of the stress.  Try being silly now and then.  An upside-down dinner (dessert first), a race across the park, or playing follow-the-goofy leader can generate much-needed laughter.

8.  If you are divorced, don't date anyone for at least a year.  Such a stand is not common these days, but it could save you and your children from a lot of grief.  Your children need some undivided attention from you.  And you need time to heal enough to figure out who the non-abusers are.

9.  Pay attention to the quality of any daycare you need to use.  Be picky.  Your children don't need any more neglect or abuse.  If something isn't right, confront the daycare provider, and if that doesn't resolve the problem, look for a new daycare.

10.  Seek God's help in forgiving your abuser and yourself.  Letting go of bitterness will go a long way toward creating a healing environment.  I do not mean a quickie forgiveness that is ultimately artificial.  Dig into real forgiveness grounded in truth about the wounds inflicted.  God can help you forgive at the best pace.  All you need to do is be honest and surrender sincerely to the need for forgiveness so you are obeying God's command to forgive even our enemies, and you're letting go of ties of anger and fear that bind you to the abuser.

11.  Learn to take care of your own needs.  You can't help your children if you are constantly overwhelmed and burnt out.  Your abuser taught you that your needs were unimportant, but that is simply not true.  Simple measures can make such a difference--ask the neighbors to watch the children and go on a walk, hike, or run, draw a warm bath and light a candle, or postpone a decision until after you've had a chance to calm down or to seek wise counsel.  You bless your children when you treat yourself with respect and loving care.  You're modeling healthy ways and teaching them that they, too, can voice their own needs.

It is not too late to help your children heal.  Your children need you.  Be present.  Your actions will speak straight into their hearts, so show your love by treating them respectfully.  God will show you the way. Just lean on Him and follow Him.
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Recommended Books

  • 10 Lifesaving Principles for Women in Difficult Marriages by Karla Downing
  • A Way of Hope by Leslie J. Barner
  • Angry Men and the Women Who Love Them by Paul Hegstrom
  • Battered But Not Broken by Patricia Riddle Gaddis
  • Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend
  • Bradshaw on the Family by John Bradshaw
  • Caring Enough to Forgive/Not Forgive by David Augsburger
  • Codependent No More by Melody Beattie
  • Healing the Wounded Heart by Dr. Dan B. Allendar
  • Keeping the Faith: Questions and Answers for the Abused Woman by Marie M. Fortune
  • Perfect Daughters by Robert J. Ackerman, Ph.D.
  • Recovery: A Guide for Adult Children of Alcoholics by Herbert L. Gravitz and Julie D. Bowden
  • Safe People by Dr Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend
  • Slay Your Own Dragons by Nancy Good
  • The Cinderella Syndrome by Lee Ezell
  • The Dance of Anger by Harriet Goldhor Lerner, Ph.D.
  • The Search for Significance by Robert S. McGee
  • Turning Fear to Hope by Holly Wagner Green
  • When Violence Comes Home: Help for Victims of Spouse Abuse by Tim Jackson and Jeff Olson
  • Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft