How can we help our children heal from abuse? As much as we would like to, we cannot wave a magic wand and fix all the broken places in their spirits. Abuse hurts everyone in the family. If we separate from the abuser and focus on healing for ourselves and our children--we have made a huge, positive impact on our children's futures. But there is much more we can do if we focus on helping ourselves and our children to heal. Not just survive--but heal.
Here is a list of doable tips on how to provide a healing environment for your children and yourself:
1. Ask God to heal you and your children. Too often, we forget to ask, but without God's help, nothing of lasting value is possible. God alone knows every hurting place in each child.
2. Resolve to create an abuse-free home and commit to never dwelling in denial again. Both will take effort, but the rewards will be invaluable.
2. Find counseling for you and your children. Don't let a lack of money deter your search. Some counselors charge reduced fees. Ask for contacts from your church and from your county health department.
3. Trust your children's pacing. Allow them to initiate conversations about their other parent. Focus on listening. What is your child feeling or wondering? Respond simply and briefly.
4. Tell the truth in simple, calm language and tone when your child wants to know why you and the other parent are separated or divorced. Be trustworthy.
5. Maintain as much routine as possible. This will help the children feel more secure.
6. Do not abandon discipline. Yes, the children have experienced a lot, but they need reasonable boundaries to feel secure and loved.
7. Have fun with your children. It will lift your spirits and help relieve some of the stress. Try being silly now and then. An upside-down dinner (dessert first), a race across the park, or playing follow-the-goofy leader can generate much-needed laughter.
8. If you are divorced, don't date anyone for at least a year. Such a stand is not common these days, but it could save you and your children from a lot of grief. Your children need some undivided attention from you. And you need time to heal enough to figure out who the non-abusers are.
9. Pay attention to the quality of any daycare you need to use. Be picky. Your children don't need any more neglect or abuse. If something isn't right, confront the daycare provider, and if that doesn't resolve the problem, look for a new daycare.
10. Seek God's help in forgiving your abuser and yourself. Letting go of bitterness will go a long way toward creating a healing environment. I do not mean a quickie forgiveness that is ultimately artificial. Dig into real forgiveness grounded in truth about the wounds inflicted. God can help you forgive at the best pace. All you need to do is be honest and surrender sincerely to the need for forgiveness so you are obeying God's command to forgive even our enemies, and you're letting go of ties of anger and fear that bind you to the abuser.
11. Learn to take care of your own needs. You can't help your children if you are constantly overwhelmed and burnt out. Your abuser taught you that your needs were unimportant, but that is simply not true. Simple measures can make such a difference--ask the neighbors to watch the children and go on a walk, hike, or run, draw a warm bath and light a candle, or postpone a decision until after you've had a chance to calm down or to seek wise counsel. You bless your children when you treat yourself with respect and loving care. You're modeling healthy ways and teaching them that they, too, can voice their own needs.
It is not too late to help your children heal. Your children need you. Be present. Your actions will speak straight into their hearts, so show your love by treating them respectfully. God will show you the way. Just lean on Him and follow Him.
2. Resolve to create an abuse-free home and commit to never dwelling in denial again. Both will take effort, but the rewards will be invaluable.
2. Find counseling for you and your children. Don't let a lack of money deter your search. Some counselors charge reduced fees. Ask for contacts from your church and from your county health department.
3. Trust your children's pacing. Allow them to initiate conversations about their other parent. Focus on listening. What is your child feeling or wondering? Respond simply and briefly.
4. Tell the truth in simple, calm language and tone when your child wants to know why you and the other parent are separated or divorced. Be trustworthy.
5. Maintain as much routine as possible. This will help the children feel more secure.
6. Do not abandon discipline. Yes, the children have experienced a lot, but they need reasonable boundaries to feel secure and loved.
7. Have fun with your children. It will lift your spirits and help relieve some of the stress. Try being silly now and then. An upside-down dinner (dessert first), a race across the park, or playing follow-the-goofy leader can generate much-needed laughter.
8. If you are divorced, don't date anyone for at least a year. Such a stand is not common these days, but it could save you and your children from a lot of grief. Your children need some undivided attention from you. And you need time to heal enough to figure out who the non-abusers are.
9. Pay attention to the quality of any daycare you need to use. Be picky. Your children don't need any more neglect or abuse. If something isn't right, confront the daycare provider, and if that doesn't resolve the problem, look for a new daycare.
10. Seek God's help in forgiving your abuser and yourself. Letting go of bitterness will go a long way toward creating a healing environment. I do not mean a quickie forgiveness that is ultimately artificial. Dig into real forgiveness grounded in truth about the wounds inflicted. God can help you forgive at the best pace. All you need to do is be honest and surrender sincerely to the need for forgiveness so you are obeying God's command to forgive even our enemies, and you're letting go of ties of anger and fear that bind you to the abuser.
11. Learn to take care of your own needs. You can't help your children if you are constantly overwhelmed and burnt out. Your abuser taught you that your needs were unimportant, but that is simply not true. Simple measures can make such a difference--ask the neighbors to watch the children and go on a walk, hike, or run, draw a warm bath and light a candle, or postpone a decision until after you've had a chance to calm down or to seek wise counsel. You bless your children when you treat yourself with respect and loving care. You're modeling healthy ways and teaching them that they, too, can voice their own needs.
It is not too late to help your children heal. Your children need you. Be present. Your actions will speak straight into their hearts, so show your love by treating them respectfully. God will show you the way. Just lean on Him and follow Him.
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