Whose fault is it that we have been mistreated, harmed, and abused? Who do we blame for the emotional, physical, and spiritual damage? Who do we blame for the fear that choked us and the helplessness that overpowered us?
Photo by Ismael Sánchez
Many of us who are survivors of abuse blame ourselves and/or God much more quickly than we think to blame the person who perpetrated the crimes against us. Strange, isn't it. But, nonetheless, many of us walk around with shame or bitterness tattooed on our foreheads. Not concretely, but oh so present.
If shame owns us, we are always blaming ourselves for everything. We feel inadequate, never enough. We are surprised if anyone seems to like us. We hide. We isolate. We try to disappear or miss being noticed. We are embarrassed when we are noticed, surly there has been a mistake or we will be found insufficient. We struggle to believe that we have any worth, any value, and/or lovableness.
If bitterness owns us, we are antagonistic toward God, and often toward people. We are suspicious, sure that there is always a catch, always a punishment coming, always a disappointment around the corner. We are cynical. We sneer, even if only in our minds. We distrust. We count on problems, and plenty come our way. We struggle to pray. Sometimes anger just pours out of us in a gush. We don't understand why and we dismiss it as irrelevant or justified. We struggle to believe that we truly are enough.
If both own us, we are hurting horribly in a way that no one gets. No one is there for us, not really. No one understands. We are drowning.
All three ways are painful. Blame boomerangs with a loud whack. It beats at us. It hurts us more than the party we want to blame.
Blame demands that the terrible results are someone's fault. Staying stuck on pinning blame is easier than feeling the pain itself. It is easier than consciously living through the terrible results we bear, and easier than processing the losses. But easier isn't always better, is it.
Let's try something different. Let's seek God's help to face our pain, to name our losses, to see who we've blamed, to engage in the healing process, and to move on. Let's not allow past abuse define who we are. Let's grow and overcome!
If shame owns us, we are always blaming ourselves for everything. We feel inadequate, never enough. We are surprised if anyone seems to like us. We hide. We isolate. We try to disappear or miss being noticed. We are embarrassed when we are noticed, surly there has been a mistake or we will be found insufficient. We struggle to believe that we have any worth, any value, and/or lovableness.
If bitterness owns us, we are antagonistic toward God, and often toward people. We are suspicious, sure that there is always a catch, always a punishment coming, always a disappointment around the corner. We are cynical. We sneer, even if only in our minds. We distrust. We count on problems, and plenty come our way. We struggle to pray. Sometimes anger just pours out of us in a gush. We don't understand why and we dismiss it as irrelevant or justified. We struggle to believe that we truly are enough.
If both own us, we are hurting horribly in a way that no one gets. No one is there for us, not really. No one understands. We are drowning.
All three ways are painful. Blame boomerangs with a loud whack. It beats at us. It hurts us more than the party we want to blame.
Blame demands that the terrible results are someone's fault. Staying stuck on pinning blame is easier than feeling the pain itself. It is easier than consciously living through the terrible results we bear, and easier than processing the losses. But easier isn't always better, is it.
Let's try something different. Let's seek God's help to face our pain, to name our losses, to see who we've blamed, to engage in the healing process, and to move on. Let's not allow past abuse define who we are. Let's grow and overcome!
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