If you've been recovering from abuse for any length of time, you know this. At least you know it in your head. If you know it deep in your heart, you've been in the healing process for awhile.
Unfortunately, society doesn't help you get these truths. People say things like, "You seem like a nice person, so what did you do to get him so upset?" or "You're pretty and smart; it is hard to understand why he did that!" As if women who aren't as sweet, pretty, or smart deserve to be abused physically, sexually, or emotionally. And, as if men or children would never abused by women.
Once, I was in a restaurant on Christmas Eve. A disheveled woman came in and frantically fumbled with the pay phone on the wall (this was before cell phones). She started putting coins in and frantically called, "Does anyone have a dime? I've got to make this call! My husband's going to kill me!"
She had everyone's attention. No one was eating or talking anymore.
I searched my purse and then nudged my husband.
He made no move.
I hissed, "I know you've got change. Please give it to her." I had to nudge him again, but then my husband, who was big-boned and 8 inches taller than most men, got up and gave her the money.
Just as he was returning to our table, a man came in and grabbed the woman by her hair and slammed her head against the wall, saying, "Enough, B-----. You're coming home where you belong." He looked at my husband in a challenge.
It shocked me that no one else was doing anything. I stood with my cheeks flaming. I was so embarrassed that there were at least ten able-bodied men who were not moving and three other women who weren't responding outwardly.
My husband said, "Hey, man. Take it outside. You shouldn't be doing that here."
As if doing it elsewhere was fine.
In hindsight, I wish I had done more. I wish I had passionately implored those shocked, passive people to get up and restrain the man until the police came. I wish I had tried to interfere physically if necessary. I wish I had said something to the woman that would help her battered spirit.
There was so much I did not yet understand about abuse.
Today, I want to urge all abused women to get help. Pray to God and then talk to people. There is hope. There is help. You do not earn or deserve the abuse, no matter what your abuser has told you. Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1−800−799−SAFE(7233)) for help from people who can listen and direct you to local help.
Today, I want to urge all those who are recovering from abuse to reject the lies your abuser(s) told you. Reject the false accusations, the name-calling, and the devaluing words. Refuse to accept the insidious implications, the condescending looks, and the sarcastic evaluations. Recite to yourself important, true words. You are valuable. You do have a purpose. You are lovable. You are precious to the Creator of the Universe. You did not cause abuse. You did not deserve the torture you survived. If your mind is arguing against such truths, keep persevering in healthy, healing activities--better tomorrows are ahead.
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4 comments:
Yes, it's not their fault. And most people don't know what to do. The general public needs to be educated on this.
The general public has come a long way, but still needs much more education on abuse issues.
This was so well-written. Thanks so much for what you do!
Thank you for the kind encouragement, Anonymous.
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