In an abusive situation, the person who wields power almost always gets his/her own way. We know that. We lived it. The bully got his/her way. Period. Or so it seemed.
In reality, the victim also got her/his way sometimes. Not with demands. Not with threats. Not with compromising or bartering.
Someone who has no visible power in a relationship has to use indirect and passive things to influence outcomes. She lies or omits information to influence the abuser's perceptions. He works slowly and poorly to urge the abuser to do something herself. She suggests a particular action, coating it in flattery or in self-belittling terms, so the abuser can easily claim the palatable idea as his own. She asks a question, not because she doesn't know the answer, but so the abuser can realize something. He agrees to do something and then "accidentally" breaks the tools or cannot begin because he "cannot find" what is needed.
We all want our way sometimes. It is human to want what we want. But I don't want to be manipulative. I want to continue learning the tools of equality. I want to believe, really believe, that I have the power to ask for my needs directly. I want to show my intelligence, without feeling that I must tone it down or hide it. I want to tell an important fact in a way that alerts the other that I am saying something true and important. I want make requests, without battling false guilt and shame-ruled embarrassment. I want to honestly state wants as well as needs.
I want to shed being a martyr or manipulator forever. The effort continues. It isn't easy to change lifetime habits, but change I must, for I deeply want the end result. But I am recognizing more quickly the times when I slip into indirect terminology or manipulative language. I am acknowledging why I do it. I am practicing saying things that are revolutionary for me. Things like, "Would you...", "I want...", "I need...", and "I like..."
If you can relate, I'd love to read your comments.
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5 comments:
Hi, I totally empathise with what you are writing.I am coming out of a long hard course of CBT thirty years after experiencing abuse. I am too now becoming acutely aware of my use of unconcious manipulation and would truly love to move away from it. Do you know of any useful texts or books that would help me on this quest? Gill
Hi, I am finding that being in relationship with people who are healthier and who ask me sometimes what it is that I want or urging me to just ask directly for what I want.
I'm not aware of a book that directly addresses the unconscious manipulation. But here are some books that have helped me:
Matthew in the Bible
Proverbs in the Bible
Codependent No More by Melody Beattie
Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner, Ph.D.
Dance of Intimacy by Lerner
Boundaries by Cloud/Townsend
Be Happy without being Perfect by Alice D. Domar, Ph.D.
Fight Like a Girl by Lisa Bevere
Search for Significance by Robert McGee
Safe People by Cloud/Townsend
When I Say No, I Feel Guilty by Smith
How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids will Talk by Taber & Mazlish
The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman
I googled and found more that sound helpful:
The Nice Girl Syndrome by Beverly Engel
The Dance of Connection by Lerner
The Courage to be Yourself by Sue Patton Thoele
So Long Insecurity by Beth Moore
Don't Say Yes When You Want to Say No by Jean Baer
Breaking Intimidation by John Bevere
Assertiveness Workbook by Randy Paterson
When we talk about hypnosis or hypnotherapy, we often hear the terms subconscious mind or unconscious mind. It's become clear to me that there is some degree of confusion over the meaning of the terms, and the difference between the two. In actual fact, in the context of hypnosis, the two terms refer to precisely the same thing, it's just a matter of which term more appropriately describes the state of being.
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Thank you for writing this. I am just now becoming aware of how I unconsciously manipulate people to get my way. I am not bipolar or anything but have been in abusive relationships where I 'learned' survival skills to get my needs met. I am learning to say those phrases too "I want" "I need" and to ask for help when I need it. Again, Thanks.
Anonymous,
You're welcome. Recovery from abuse isn't easy but it sure is rewarding. Way to go on seeing yourself more clearly and then learning new, healthier ways!
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