What Forgiveness Isn't

I believe forgiving those who have wronged us is vital to healing. Still, I regularly encounter abuse survivors who are harmed by some well-meaning counselor pushing them to quickly forgive their abuser. I've also talked with many survivors who do not clearly understand what forgiveness means.

Over the years, I've learned what forgiveness isn't.

True forgiveness:

• does not assert that the abuse was "no big deal"
• does not claim there is no pain
• does not insist that the abuse is forgotten
• does not pretend that the abuse never really happened
• does not shield the abuser from natural consequences
• does not require telling lies to keep the abuser's reputation untarnished
• does not "fix the family" or "hold the family together"
• does not mean recovery is completed
• does not terminate feelings about the abuse (including anger & sorrow)
• does not change the abuser into a caring, responsible person
• does not demand that the survivor be a selfless martyr
• does not by itself make a survivor whole
• does not grant trust and access to the abuser
• does not have to be spoken to our abuser directly since that can be dangerous
• does not result in the victim feeling re-victimized

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