Photo by Pavel Danilyuk
it is easy to feel shame over both the things we had some control over and the things over which we had no control. It can be a tangled mess that we either wallow in or avoid at all costs.
Some of the things I have needed to forgive myself for include the following:
- not succeeding in my attempts to protect myself from my abusers (in reality, my experiences as a minor were beyond my ability to stop--but I tried to end the abuse, and I judged myself for the failure. I needed to let go of harshly judging myself as a failure)
- the years of my life that were negatively affected by my attempts to suppress all memories of abuse
- marrying at 19 to escape abuse--only to marry another abuser
- years of excessive passivity
- the lies of omission that I participated in to keep the abuse a secret
- the decision as a teenager to not tell the family doctor about the abuse
- continuing to date one of my abusers for several more months after he raped me, giving him the opportunity to heap more physical and emotional abuse on me
- being unsuccessful in protecting my little sister from my Dad (I'd already been a victim of his incest, and I took it on as my responsibility to protect her from incest--an impossible task)
- the times I have not trusted trustworthy people because of my past abuse
- the times I have allowed lots of my energy to be sucked away in codependent relationships
- the times that I have doubted God because of my history of abuse
- over-reacting emotionally to something because of my past experiences of betrayal
- under-reacting to my internal cues of danger (which have been amazingly accurate)
- ignoring my radar that tries to tell me when a new acquaintance is prone to violence and/or addiction
- the years of blaming myself as the cause of abuse
Each time I forgive myself for a real or perceived "failure," I move forward in my journey of healing and claiming an abuse-free life.
Photo by Vika Glitter
You have your own list of things that are crying out for forgiveness. Abuse is not your fault--you do not need to spend the rest of your life punishing yourself. Resist being your own emotional abuser! Giving yourself the same compassion and forgiveness that you would be willing to give to a friend or even an acquaintance is not too much to give to yourself.
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