Boundaries (Part 4)

Have you ever noticed abusers don't respond to boundaries in the same ways that healthy people do?

For people who respect others, encountering a boundary can cause some initial surprise and upset, but then they are supportive of the other's needs. They care about how their behavior is affecting the other.

But with abusers a boundary is information to use against the other person. If their victim is sensitive about something then it becomes an important tool or weapon in the abuser's hands.

For example, if a wife said, "It's really important to me to arrive to church early, a respectful partner might say, "It's not as important to me, but I am willing to make a special effort to get us there 10 minutes before the start of service" or he might say," why don't we go in separate cars on Sundays when I am running behind schedule so that you can get there when you need to." An abusive spouse, on the other hand, might regularly work to get to church late once he learns of her preference. He might do it by picking a fight, by waiting until the expected departure time to begin dressing for church, or by asking her to do things that make her run late and then attack her for making them late again. Or he might make a big production of getting there at the time she requested but finding ways to punish her by making the children angry at her over it, mocking her for her uptightness, or playing the martyr to "her demands."

Learning to assertively state our needs and wants is essential, but be forewarned that abusers will instinctively resist and tromp on boundaries.