The serenity prayer is a great place to begin in determining which things are our areas of responsibility:
God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And wisdom to know the difference.
If you are a former victim of abuse, you are responsible for how you live your life today. You can directly control only your own behavior. You can influence (have a limited impact on) your children, spouse, friends, work associates, relatives, and others you interact with.
When some current decision troubles me, I often make myself a serenity prayer type chart:
| What I cannot change/need God’s help to accept | What I can change/ need God’s help to be courageous about |
| Most often these are things about other people. | Most often these things are about me-my thoughts, feelings, beliefs, & behaviors |
If I were to make a very general chart of some of the things I and other victims have struggled with it would include the following:
| What Former Victims Cannot Change: | What Former Victims Can Change: |
| How our abuser(s) behaved in the past | Choices about how much we will process the old hurts and violations |
| The original impact abuse had on us | Decisions we make about how to live our lives today |
| The abusers’ opinions about us | What we tell ourselves about who we are |
| How many abusive and unhealthy people there are in the world | Careful choices about who we let into our most intimate circle |
| Which parents we have | What kind of parent we will be |
| The rejection we felt in the past | How we will accept and love others |
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