I didn't evaluate the abuser's integrity or motives. I didn't ask questions. I figured that a father, a mother, a boyfriend, or a husband would always tell me the truth because they claimed to love me. It didn't occur to me that people's words and motives could differ vastly.
I was a very young child when abuse began, and there was much I didn't understand about the world. After abuse and plenty of recovery work, I now know why it's essential to consider the source of words that wound. Has the speaker a reputation for speaking honestly with me and others? Is the speaker trying to force my compliance? Is the speaker angry? Is the speaker generally kind to me? Do I trust the speaker because they have won my trust with consistent goodness and honesty? Even more importantly, do I agree with the person's words? Do I have any idea what my strengths and weaknesses are? Would I have considered myself lazy, selfish, mean, stupid, provocative, slutty, etc. without the speaker's insistence? If someone else, besides myself, said or did as I have done, would I label them with the term the speaker is labeling me?
Even a trusted friend can be mistaken about our character or motives. Misunderstandings happen. Abusive people don't make honest mistakes in judgment. Instead, they actively work to undermine the self-confidence and security of the people they abuse. Their words aren't about speaking the truth but about controlling and manipulating.
If I don't keep a realistic view of myself that is independent of another's criticism, I can end up with a greatly misshapen view of myself that changes whenever the abuser has a reason to make me feel bad about myself. If the abuser can keep me focused on what a horrible person or inadequate person I am, then I won't be examining what he or she is doing or why. If I believe I'm lazy because he or she makes me feel that I must be lazy, then I don't wonder why I'm doing the other person's work for them. If I think I am stupid because he ensures that I feel stupid, then I'm not able to question the rationality of the demands put on me. If I question my selfishness level because she says that I am selfish, then I don't have time to consider how selfish the abuser's behavior is.
When an abuser is running the show, criticism is flung frequently. Criticisms are designed to hit us low and keep us down. The words of an abuser drag us ever downward until we feel no self-trust or self-love. The tongue of an abuser leads to us feeling worse about ourselves with a hopeless sense that we are too little to ever be good enough.
To regain a more accurate sense of self involves breaking the isolation of abuse. We need input from healthy people who have no desire to manipulate and control us. We need space and time without the continual barrage of abuse to begin to hear our own inner knowing about ourselves. Three years before I left my abusive spouse, I began breaking out of my confusion and isolation. I began reading self-help books, working with a psychologist, and reaching out in friendship to women who had healthier lives than myself. These steps helped me to start questioning the motives of my abusers, and I began to discover that others saw many good attributes in me and disagreed with the negative judgments of the abuser. Miraculously, my confusion began lifting, and I began to see myself in a better light. I also began noticing that all my chameleon-like changes to please the abuser never resulted in the abuser being pleased for any length of time. As I saw the futility of pleasing my abuser, I began to realize that maybe I could live a better life without the abuser.
Now, I live without any abusers. My life is much happier. It has been a gradual process, but I now like myself. I no longer will allow another to convince me that I am a horrible person who deserves abuse. It simply is a lie. No one deserves to be abused.
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