“Submission” is a concept that is distorted by abusers,
whether it is voiced or not. Abusers demand instant obedience no matter what. If the order is demoralizing,
dangerous, illegal, or immoral, it makes no difference in the abuser’s mind. So we
find ourselves submitting to blatant or subtle boundary violations, such as pretending we are not being lied to, being attacked physically or emotionally, being belittled with verbal
nastiness, being raped, being told to lie, being expected to fulfill impossible
demands, to tolerate false accusations, etc. When living with an abuser we also
discover that submitting requires slippery expectations such as we are always
wrong, except when we are suddenly required to give the right answer; we are
never to notice lies, but we must always be exact and accurate with all of our own
words; we are to be silent, except when we are being quizzed; we are stupid,
except we are never to make any mistakes. Our reward for all of these types
of submissions is to be subject to our abuser’s control--and to intermittently
receive his disgust that we are so passive. It’s a vicious no-win situation.
“Submission” is urged in the Bible, is presumed in our
laws, and is practiced worldwide in human relationships. We get along by taking turns having authority and obeying whoever
judicially uses their authority for the good of the majority. And when the
authority misuses their power, there are ways to hold them accountable to
certain standards of conduct. When we submit, we willingly
do so to have order, safety, and/or mutual respect. When we are forced to submit so
that another can do sinful and harmful things, something has gone wrong.
In abusive relationships, the abuser holds himself/herself
above any accountability. They use their reign to frighten, coerce, and control
others to gain whatever they want, without any regard for the well-being of the
other. It took me a long time to realize that what an abuser says he/she wants
and what the true motive is are quite different things. Abusers might say, I’m helping you
to be a better person when really the objective is to erode away our
self-esteem. Maybe abusers say they are sorry they didn’t mean to harm us when the true intent is to prevent us from calling the police. Abusers say we
are mistaken about what just happened, the intent is to dismantle our self-trust
by showing us how our thoughts, words, and actions are gravely wrong. Some
abusers say little but still make sure we get the message that he/she is right
and we are wrong; we are weak and he/she is powerful; you have no value and
they are doing us the favor of putting up with someone no one else would want to put up with. The controller is relentlessly reframing our sense of reality to undermine
our confidence, personal power, and our resistance.
My healing from abuse has taught me that I do not need to
submit to abusive behavior ever again. I do not have to obey that which is
unethical, harmful, manipulative, etc. I do not need to submit to another
controlling me. I am a grown-up, and I have choices. I can confront wrongdoing, and I can leave when another adult is behaving badly, deceptively, or violently. I have
the privilege of deciding whom I will spend time with. I have the freedom to guard
my heart from maliciousness. I am not a slave with no voice. God’s gift of free
will is a treasure not to waste. “For you did not receive a spirit that makes
you again a slave to fear, but you received the spirit of sonship” (Romans 8:15).
Goodbye fear, I submit with my free will to follow my God. Goodbye fear, I will
no longer let another control me.
My understanding of “Wives submit to your husbands as to the Lord” (Ephesians 5:21), has also changed. This verse used to reinforce my passivity and led to me becoming helpless against sinful treatment. I thought that there was nothing I could do to stop what was happening to me. With God’s patience and help, I have learned to read this verse in its full context. Ephesians 5:19 instructs both male and female believers to “Speak to one another with psalms, hymns, and spiritual songs,” meaning we speak Biblical truth and encouragement to one another. Colossians 3:16 “Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom.” Wisdom doesn’t include the truth that God created all of us with value and worth. In Ephesians 5:21, Paul emphasizes the main point in his marriage instruction: “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” All Christians should be willing to subordinate their rights when God so leads. But we are never urged to subordinate our rights out of fear of other people. We are to be living from a place of faith-filled courage. God sees our hearts and cares deeply about our reasons for our actions or lack of actions. Wives are to trust God and not forfeit their God-given worth. When I was married to an abusive spouse, I was too frightened and insecure. My silent “submission” was fear-based behavior. I didn’t want to see what punishment my spouse might dispense if I were to speak up assertively. I now believe that the right type of submission involves being an active participant in the relationship and the discussions. It means honoring God above all else and making prudent choices.
God’s words make it abundantly clear that there are times
when submitting blindly is the wrong choice. In the Old Testament (1 Samuel 25),
Abigail’s husband, Nabal, is described as wealthy and “surly and mean in his
dealings.” David's men had given Nabal’s sheepherders protection for months,
yet Nabal refused to re-pay the kindness with a food offering in the prescribed
customary way. He violated the cultural norms of treating others with proper
respect. Abigail behaved righteously when she took action as an individual
(that was not per her husband's will), by approaching David and his
warriors with a generous food offering. Her intent was to honor God and express
proper gratitude to David and his men. With assertiveness, Abigail urged David to resist his
first impulse to punish her household for vengeance for Nabal’s foolish
wickedness. Abigail urged David to let go of his impulse for revenge and leave vengeance
to God which is God's right alone. David and God were both pleased with Abigail’s humble, righteous
behavior. After God himself ended her violent husband’s life, David heard the
news and married Abigail who knew from first-hand experience was a righteous,
courageous woman. We, too, can be guided by our faith in our trustworthy God
and can be assertive with courage to safeguard our households.
In the New Testament (Acts 5), we meet another wife,
Sapphira, who has to decide whether to be ruled by fear of her husband, by her greed, or by
her faith in God. Her husband, Ananias, told her he would lie to the
church elders about the sale price of his land so that he could avoid sharing
the whole amount with the church. He wanted to keep profit for his own private use, which was contrary to the rules of their church. He
did as he intended, and God’s spirit struck him dead for his dishonesty in
his offering to God. Later, Sapphira was summoned and asked if she confirmed
her husband’s truthfulness concerning their offering, and she backed her husband’s lies. As a result, God also struck her dead. Clearly, God doesn’t want us to lie to cover
up our spouse's lies. He doesn’t want us to passively go along with moral
wrongdoing in the name of “submission.”
We can embrace submitting to our spouse for the sake of Christ Jesus on non-moral decisions when we haven’t agreed on the best way to go. But when sin is involved—we
can choose to stay aligned with God’s ways and assert what is right. In an abusive
home that likely means we will leave the abuser to honor God’s ways—because
God expects husbands to treat their wives with love and expects wives to behave
righteously even when their spouse doesn’t. If we have submitted to the wrong kind of submission in the past, God is very willing to help us to learn assertiveness. He can strengthen us. And
our courage grows more with the intentional practice of trusting God and doing what
is righteous.
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Photo by Seemann, morguefile.com |
Paul urges a wife to submit to her husband (Ephesians 5:22-24) to allow her husband to function as the head of the family. I’ve learned over the years that God does not mean by these verses that wives are to submit because they are inferior to their husbands in intelligence or understanding. When I was married to an abusive spouse, I too frightened and insecure to be a full partner. This was the way the abuser desired things to be, and I did my best to believe that I was obeying and honoring God with my lack of assertiveness. In truth, my silence was actually motivated mostly by fear of what my husband would do to me if I disobeyed or expressed my opinion or made a direct request. I’ve discovered that the more closely I walk with God, the less I am driven by fear and the more I am empowered by the Holy Spirit to share with my husband my observations, my reasoning, my needs, and my feelings. I now see it as my responsibility to continue being an active participant and partner with submission meaning that if we are not on agreement on a non-moral issue, I can set aside what I want as an act of love and humbleness.