Lies I Believed (Part 4)_Submission Means Accepting Any Behavior
How I became a doormat for abusers.">
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Submission is a concept that is distorted by every
abuser.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Submit!” is the command,
whether it is voiced or not. By “submit” an abuser demands instant obedience—no
matter what.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Submit to rape, a physical
beating, or non-respectful verbal assaults.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Submit to accepting attacks of any kind such as blatant o subtle boundary
violations, impossible demands, harsh judgments, and false accusations. When
living with an abuser you discover that submitting also seems to require all
sorts of slippery details like always be wrong, except when the abuser suddenly
wants you to give a correct answer; never notice when the abuser is lying to
you, except if he or she is testing you; always be controlled by him or her,
accept when he or she suddenly becomes disgusted with your passivity; and perhaps
above all else, always trust that your abuser loves you and is taking excellent
care of you.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Submission is a word used in the Bible, presumed in
our laws and practiced worldwide in human relationships. So what does
submission really mean?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>According to the
dictionary, we submit when we yield ourselves to the power or authority of
another. <span style="color: #333333;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We
are expected to submit to public authority figures for the good of society as a
whole. In our public lives, there are provisions for what to do if an authority
figure is not behaving in an ethical or legal manner. We can call authority
figures into account and hold them accountable to certain standards of conduct.
<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">In abusive relationships, however, the
abuser holds himself above any accountability and freely enforces his reign by
frightening, coercing and controlling others to get whatever he wants. It took
me a long time to realize that what an abuser says he wants, and what he
actually wants may be quite different. He might say he just wants to help you be a
better person, but what he really wants is to erode away your self-esteem so
that he can have more power over you. He might say he didn’t mean to harm you,
he may actually mean that he doesn’t want you to take any legal actions against
him. He might tell you that he just wishes you would behave correctly so that
he doesn’t have to keep trying to teach you, in reality he wants you to lose
all confidence in yourself and depend on him for all your perceptions. He wants
you to learn to disregard what your five senses tell you. He wants you to
believe him when he tells you your actions are wrong, your thoughts are wrong
and your feelings are wrong. Another abuser may say very little, but still makes
sure you get the message that he is right and you are wrong, he has
all the power and you are powerless, he can control you in everything and you
can’t control him in anything. He can find many creative ways to enforce
unchecked power and control over you—until you submit to anything, no matter how immoral or unjust his demand is.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">It has been part of my healing process
to realize that I do not need to submit to abusive behavior ever again. I do
not need to obey unethical demands, I do not need to accept harsh treatment as
my due, I do not need to agree with the abuser that he can do whatever he
wishes without any negative consequences. As a grown-up, I have choices. I can
confront or leave when other adults are behaving badly, I no longer have to
keep silent about another’s wrong actions, and I don’t have to blame myself
when another takes unwarranted liberties. </span></div>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjZ0HebmqwSQ-pWFrLMVfOcuw1wTbM328tTZRRBv8IFfEW5NxQT7uosCPJqDNgu0iS6PuivPZpXCv1-LiyFpaNB19BrLM-YTA49LLLH0KU1sdu1LG-vjJP45PEF3A0lDnytRSGk9_lRHlE/s1600/Kitten+looking+submissive+on+a+rug_file000471264371.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a> </div>
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">My understanding of scriptural
guidelines on marriage has also changed as I have healed. An often-quoted scripture is Ephesians 5: 21: “Wives submit
to your husbands as to the Lord.” The way I formerly understood this verse
reinforced my passivity and led to me becoming a “doormat,” accepting violent and demeaning
behavior as something I could do nothing about. <table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhE4GyiynYNjZIOjTvtnYtrHY__gr6QLaeKLkj-PVLHSKQQzgA5yX5WQbZ3HBkg09gkS0u4EvcqzItgE-ZUvsdUfNqIe4yNDvflX00AAecMXZ0SBhLVu2p9m5ijzXWle-mxdXypBriOPJ8/s1600/Dog+laying+on+doormat_file7041294275105.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhE4GyiynYNjZIOjTvtnYtrHY__gr6QLaeKLkj-PVLHSKQQzgA5yX5WQbZ3HBkg09gkS0u4EvcqzItgE-ZUvsdUfNqIe4yNDvflX00AAecMXZ0SBhLVu2p9m5ijzXWle-mxdXypBriOPJ8/s320/Dog+laying+on+doormat_file7041294275105.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Photo by Seemann, morguefile.com</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
With God’s patience and help I have learned to read this verse in its
full context. Ephesians 5:19 instructs all believers to “Speak to one another
with psalms, hymns, and spiritual songs,” indicating that we speak Biblical
truth and encouragement to one another. Colossians 3:16 amplifies on this, “Let
word of Christ dwell in you richly as you teach and admonish one another with
all wisdom.” Neither verse describes a relationship that is one-sided, with
one person controlling the other. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">God cares about our motives behind our
behavior as well. Why we're submitting matters. Ephesians 5:21 instructs, “Submit to one another out of reverence
for Christ.” All Christians should be willing to subordinate their rights out of their respect for God. In Ephesians 4:2, the motives we
are to act from are spelled out clearly: “be completely humble and gentle; be patient,
bearing with one another in love.” God helped me to realize that there wasn't anything loving about letting another person act in immoral ways against me. </span><br />
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"></span><br />
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Paul urges a wife to submit
to her husband (Ephesians 5:22-24) to allow her husband to function as the head of the family. I’ve learned over
the years that God does not mean by these verses that wives are to submit because they
are inferior to their husbands in intelligence or understanding. When I was
married to an abusive spouse, I too frightened and
insecure to be a full partner. This was the way the abuser desired things to be,
and I did my best to believe that I was obeying and honoring God with my lack of assertiveness.
In truth, my silence was actually motivated mostly by fear of what my husband
would do to me if I disobeyed or expressed my opinion or made a direct request.
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ve discovered that the more closely I
walk with God, the less I am driven by fear and the more I am empowered by the
Holy Spirit to share with my husband my observations, my reasoning, my needs,
and my feelings. I now see it as my responsibility to continue being an active
participant and partner with submission meaning that if we are not on agreement on a non-moral issue, I can set aside what I want as an act of love and humbleness. </span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">God’s Word also demonstrates that there are times to act in accordance with our individual
knowledge of God --times when it would be wrong to submit. In the Old
Testament (1 Sam 25), Abigail‘s husband, Nabal, is described as wealthy and “surly and
mean in his dealings.” David’s men give protection to his sheep shearers and
Nabal refuses to re-pay the kindness in the customary way.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Abigail behaved righteously when she took
action as an individual (not in accordance with her husband) to honor God and
David by bringing an appropriate offering of food and urging David to resist
his first impulse to punish her household for her husband’s foolish wickedness--and
to instead honor God by extending mercy. David and God were both pleased with
Abigail’s humble, righteous actions and words. God put to death her violent
husband and when David learned of this he married her, knowing by experience
that she was an intelligent and righteous wife. In the New Testament (Acts 5),
we learn of another wife, Sapphira, facing the problem of being yoked to a
dishonest husband. Her husband, Ananias, told her he was going to lie to the church
and to God about the sale price of his land so that he could avoid sharing the whole amount and secretly keep a share of the profit for his own use. Three
hours later, Sapphira was summoned and asked if she confirmed her husband’s
truthfulness, she backed up her husband’s lies, and as a result God struck her
dead. Clearly, God doesn’t want us to lie for our spouse or passively go along
with it when our husbands do something that is clearly wrong.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Submission does not involve sinning to
pacify our spouse. Submission isn’t Godly if it is motivated by our fear of
being abused. Submission isn’t honoring to God if we wait to see what might
happen when we already know what righteous action and words need to take place.
God doesn’t want wives to lie for their husbands. Submitting to violent or immoral acts in the name of being a “good
submissive wife” isn’t the kind of submission the Bible writers were speaking
of. God doesn’t expect
women to submit to sexual, verbal or physical abuse from her husband. He urges
husbands to love their wives as well as they love themselves and to treat their
wives with respect and kindness (Ephesians 5). The submission the Bible speaks
of is about respectful, loving behavior.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p>Lies I Believed (Part 4) Submission Means Accepting Any Behavior <a href="http://clickheretotweet.com/TUyOGU5Z">Click Here to Tweet</a></o:p></span><br />
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<a dir='ltr' href='http://www.dazzlingwings.online/search/label/Forgiveness'>Forgiveness</a>
<span dir='ltr'>(6)</span>
</li>
<li>
<a dir='ltr' href='http://www.dazzlingwings.online/search/label/God%27s%20Healing'>God's Healing</a>
<span dir='ltr'>(39)</span>
</li>
<li>
<a dir='ltr' href='http://www.dazzlingwings.online/search/label/God%27s%20presence'>God's presence</a>
<span dir='ltr'>(28)</span>
</li>
<li>
<a dir='ltr' href='http://www.dazzlingwings.online/search/label/Good%20Friday'>Good Friday</a>
<span dir='ltr'>(1)</span>
</li>
<li>
<a dir='ltr' href='http://www.dazzlingwings.online/search/label/Healing%20Abuse'>Healing Abuse</a>
<span dir='ltr'>(27)</span>
</li>
<li>
<a dir='ltr' href='http://www.dazzlingwings.online/search/label/Healing%20Process'>Healing Process</a>
<span dir='ltr'>(57)</span>
</li>
<li>
<a dir='ltr' href='http://www.dazzlingwings.online/search/label/Healing%20tools'>Healing tools</a>
<span dir='ltr'>(32)</span>
</li>
<li>
<a dir='ltr' href='http://www.dazzlingwings.online/search/label/Helping%20Children'>Helping Children</a>
<span dir='ltr'>(16)</span>
</li>
<li>
<a dir='ltr' href='http://www.dazzlingwings.online/search/label/Hyper-vigilance'>Hyper-vigilance</a>
<span dir='ltr'>(3)</span>
</li>
<li>
<a dir='ltr' href='http://www.dazzlingwings.online/search/label/Immanuel'>Immanuel</a>
<span dir='ltr'>(1)</span>
</li>
<li>
<a dir='ltr' href='http://www.dazzlingwings.online/search/label/Incest'>Incest</a>
<span dir='ltr'>(7)</span>
</li>
<li>
<a dir='ltr' href='http://www.dazzlingwings.online/search/label/Journaling'>Journaling</a>
<span dir='ltr'>(5)</span>
</li>
<li>
<a dir='ltr' href='http://www.dazzlingwings.online/search/label/New%20Life'>New Life</a>
<span dir='ltr'>(30)</span>
</li>
<li>
<a dir='ltr' href='http://www.dazzlingwings.online/search/label/Perpetrators'>Perpetrators</a>
<span dir='ltr'>(10)</span>
</li>
<li>
<a dir='ltr' href='http://www.dazzlingwings.online/search/label/Physical%20Abuse'>Physical Abuse</a>
<span dir='ltr'>(10)</span>
</li>
<li>
<a dir='ltr' href='http://www.dazzlingwings.online/search/label/Poetry'>Poetry</a>
<span dir='ltr'>(22)</span>
</li>
<li>
<a dir='ltr' href='http://www.dazzlingwings.online/search/label/Post%20Traumatic%20Stress%20Disorder'>Post Traumatic Stress Disorder</a>
<span dir='ltr'>(6)</span>
</li>
<li>
<a dir='ltr' href='http://www.dazzlingwings.online/search/label/Powerless'>Powerless</a>
<span dir='ltr'>(8)</span>
</li>
<li>
<a dir='ltr' href='http://www.dazzlingwings.online/search/label/Rape'>Rape</a>
<span dir='ltr'>(6)</span>
</li>
<li>
<a dir='ltr' href='http://www.dazzlingwings.online/search/label/Recovery'>Recovery</a>
<span dir='ltr'>(43)</span>
</li>
<li>
<a dir='ltr' href='http://www.dazzlingwings.online/search/label/Response%20to%20abuse'>Response to abuse</a>
<span dir='ltr'>(38)</span>
</li>
<li>
<a dir='ltr' href='http://www.dazzlingwings.online/search/label/Restoration'>Restoration</a>
<span dir='ltr'>(16)</span>
</li>
<li>
<a dir='ltr' href='http://www.dazzlingwings.online/search/label/Satanic%20Ritual%20Abuse'>Satanic Ritual Abuse</a>
<span dir='ltr'>(2)</span>
</li>
<li>
<a dir='ltr' href='http://www.dazzlingwings.online/search/label/Self-care'>Self-care</a>
<span dir='ltr'>(26)</span>
</li>
<li>
<a dir='ltr' href='http://www.dazzlingwings.online/search/label/Self-Esteem'>Self-Esteem</a>
<span dir='ltr'>(11)</span>
</li>
<li>
<a dir='ltr' href='http://www.dazzlingwings.online/search/label/Sexual%20abuse'>Sexual abuse</a>
<span dir='ltr'>(12)</span>
</li>
<li>
<a dir='ltr' href='http://www.dazzlingwings.online/search/label/Shame'>Shame</a>
<span dir='ltr'>(19)</span>
</li>
<li>
<a dir='ltr' href='http://www.dazzlingwings.online/search/label/Trust'>Trust</a>
<span dir='ltr'>(9)</span>
</li>
<li>
<a dir='ltr' href='http://www.dazzlingwings.online/search/label/Verbal%20Abuse'>Verbal Abuse</a>
<span dir='ltr'>(9)</span>
</li>
<li>
<a dir='ltr' href='http://www.dazzlingwings.online/search/label/Warning%20Signs'>Warning Signs</a>
<span dir='ltr'>(17)</span>
</li>
</ul>
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</div>
</div><div class='widget TextList' data-version='1' id='TextList1'>
<h2>Recommended Books</h2>
<div class='widget-content'>
<ul>
<li>10 Lifesaving Principles for Women in Difficult Marriages by Karla Downing</li>
<li>A Way of Hope by Leslie J. Barner</li>
<li>Angry Men and the Women Who Love Them by Paul Hegstrom</li>
<li>Battered But Not Broken by Patricia Riddle Gaddis</li>
<li>Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend</li>
<li>Bradshaw on the Family by John Bradshaw</li>
<li>Caring Enough to Forgive/Not Forgive by David Augsburger</li>
<li>Codependent No More by Melody Beattie</li>
<li>Healing the Wounded Heart by Dr. Dan B. Allendar</li>
<li>Keeping the Faith: Questions and Answers for the Abused Woman by Marie M. Fortune</li>
<li>Perfect Daughters by Robert J. Ackerman, Ph.D.</li>
<li>Recovery: A Guide for Adult Children of Alcoholics by Herbert L. Gravitz and Julie D. Bowden</li>
<li>Safe People by Dr Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend</li>
<li>Slay Your Own Dragons by Nancy Good</li>
<li>The Cinderella Syndrome by Lee Ezell</li>
<li>The Dance of Anger by Harriet Goldhor Lerner, Ph.D.</li>
<li>The Search for Significance by Robert S. McGee</li>
<li>Turning Fear to Hope by Holly Wagner Green</li>
<li>When Violence Comes Home: Help for Victims of Spouse Abuse by Tim Jackson and Jeff Olson</li>
<li>Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft</li>
</ul>
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</div>
</div></div>
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<h2 class='title'>Web Safety Tips</h2>
<div class='widget-content'>
If you live with your abuser, be aware that he/she can trace your internet activity on your home computer. It would be safest to use a public library computer or a friend's computer.<br/><br/>When you leave comments on this site you can remain anonymous or use a new screen name.<br/>
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<h2 class='title'>Welcome</h2>
<div class='widget-content'>
Being abused by another hurts deeply and creates many challenges. But you don't have to settle for merely being a survivor. You can become an overcomer with dazzling wings.<br/><br/>You might feel worthless--but you are not. You are valuable to the creator of the universe. A new life of freedom, peace, and joy awaits. Facing abuse, ending it, and healing from it is a huge journey that leaves behind hopelessness, embracing new life.<br/><br/>Just like myself and other abuse survivors, you can unfurl dazzling wings with the help of Jesus Christ.<br/><br/>This journey is possible. I've done it and so have other formerly abused women and men who have shared their stories with me. Come join us on a life-giving journey of change.<br/><br/><br/>
</div>
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</div><div class='widget LinkList' data-version='1' id='LinkList1'>
<h2>Helpful Resources</h2>
<div class='widget-content'>
<ul>
<li><a href='http://www.focusministries1.org/'>Focus Ministries</a></li>
<li><a href='http://www.ndvh.org/'>National Domestic Violence Hotline</a></li>
<li><a href='http://www.peaceandsafety.com/'>Peace And Safety in the Christian Home</a></li>
<li><a href='http://www.projectsafegirls.com/'>Project Safe Girls</a></li>
<li><a href='http://www.rainn.org/'>Rape, Abuse, & Incest National Network</a></li>
<li><a href='http://www.thesilverbraid.org/'>The Silver Braid</a></li>
<li><a href='http://timesupblog.blogspot.com/'>Times Up!</a></li>
<li><a href='http://witnessjustice.org/'>Witness Justice: Help and Healing for Victims of Violence</a></li>
</ul>
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<form id="feedblitz" action="http://www.feedblitz.com/f/f.fbz?Track" name="feedblitz" method="POST"><p>Your email address:<br/><input maxlength="255" value="" name="EMAIL" size="20" type="text"/><br/><input value="" name="FEEDID" type="hidden"/><input value="9715266" name="PUBLISHER" type="hidden"/><input value="Get email updates" type="submit"/><br/>Powered by <a href="http://www.feedblitz.com">FeedBlitz</a></p></form><script language="javascript" src="http://www.feedblitz.com/js/typepad-widget.js"></script>
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<h2>About Me</h2>
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<a href='https://draft.blogger.com/profile/00838074093892841482'><img alt='My photo' class='profile-img' height='80' src='//blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjW3RwVrNVknBtQmNJ4IzhzqJnWAE9kwrewiUtlUWrdIgmSpNeDWfrLnVaSDdltWA8cXjwAffD6z300UxV8qRdY9YQrCdbQhkQxdYm0IRXu9YMkvqYjcbEGspPPHzO_XRM/s220/3.jpg' width='62'/></a>
<dl class='profile-datablock'>
<dt class='profile-data'>
<a class='profile-name-link g-profile' href='https://draft.blogger.com/profile/00838074093892841482' rel='author' style='background-image: url(//draft.blogger.com/img/logo-16.png);'>
Tanya T. Warrington
</a>
</dt>
<dd class='profile-data'>Masonville, CO, United States</dd>
<dd class='profile-textblock'>For thirty-five years, I felt worthless. It seemed like I wore a sign across my chest inviting others to abuse me.
Unfortunately, I had an abundance of personal experience with being a victim of domestic violence, incest, emotional abuse, physical abuse, date rape, verbal abuse, and spiritual abuse. And then I experienced being the mother and stepmother of children who were assaulted by a pedophile.I felt like a cursed woman.
Since multiple people felt comfortable assualting me and then my children I assumed that there was something wrong with me. I had let me myself down in some unknown, mysterious way.
What if God let me down, too?
One day, in desperation, I prayed asking God to end the abuse.
God heard. He rescued me. He continues to heal me. His kindness, grace, and mercy far exceed anything I could’ve imagined or hoped for.
He has given me dazzling wings to soar above the pain of past abuse, spreading His message of hope: God does not approve of violence in any of its manifestations. He rescues those who cry out to Him. He heals the wounded.</dd>
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<a class='profile-link' href='https://draft.blogger.com/profile/00838074093892841482' rel='author'>View my complete profile</a>
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2014
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January
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2013
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<a class='post-count-link' href='http://www.dazzlingwings.online/2013/12/'>
December
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<span class='post-count' dir='ltr'>(1)</span>
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<a class='post-count-link' href='http://www.dazzlingwings.online/2013/11/'>
November
</a>
<span class='post-count' dir='ltr'>(3)</span>
<ul class='posts'>
<li><a href='http://www.dazzlingwings.online/2013/11/lies-i-believed-part-6no-way-out-when.html'>Lies I Believed (Part 6)_No Way Out When You're a ...</a></li>
<li><a href='http://www.dazzlingwings.online/2013/11/lies-i-believed-part-5what-happens-at.html'>Lies I Believed (Part 5)_What Happens at Home, Sta...</a></li>
<li><a href='http://www.dazzlingwings.online/2013/11/lies-i-believed-part-4submission-means.html'>Lies I Believed (Part 4)_Submission Means Acceptin...</a></li>
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<a class='post-count-link' href='http://www.dazzlingwings.online/2013/10/'>
October
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<span class='post-count' dir='ltr'>(3)</span>
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<a class='post-count-link' href='http://www.dazzlingwings.online/2013/06/'>
June
</a>
<span class='post-count' dir='ltr'>(4)</span>
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May
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April
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<span class='post-count' dir='ltr'>(3)</span>
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February
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<span class='post-count' dir='ltr'>(3)</span>
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<a class='post-count-link' href='http://www.dazzlingwings.online/2013/01/'>
January
</a>
<span class='post-count' dir='ltr'>(1)</span>
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2012
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December
</a>
<span class='post-count' dir='ltr'>(1)</span>
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<a class='post-count-link' href='http://www.dazzlingwings.online/2012/10/'>
October
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<span class='post-count' dir='ltr'>(2)</span>
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<a class='post-count-link' href='http://www.dazzlingwings.online/2012/09/'>
September
</a>
<span class='post-count' dir='ltr'>(1)</span>
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<a class='post-count-link' href='http://www.dazzlingwings.online/2012/08/'>
August
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<span class='post-count' dir='ltr'>(4)</span>
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<a class='post-count-link' href='http://www.dazzlingwings.online/2012/07/'>
July
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<span class='post-count' dir='ltr'>(2)</span>
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2010
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May
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April
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March
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February
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January
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2009
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December
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November
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October
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September
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<span class='post-count' dir='ltr'>(6)</span>
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<a class='post-count-link' href='http://www.dazzlingwings.online/2009/08/'>
August
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<span class='post-count' dir='ltr'>(1)</span>
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