Thursday, November 7, 2013

Lies I Believed (Part 4)_Submission Means Accepting Any Behavior

“Submission” is a concept that is distorted by abusers, whether it is voiced or not. Abusers demand instant obedience no matter what. If the order is demoralizing, dangerous, illegal, or immoral, it makes no difference in the abuser’s mind. So we find ourselves submitting to blatant or subtle boundary violations, such as pretending we are not being lied to, being attacked physically or emotionally, being belittled with verbal nastiness, being raped, being told to lie, being expected to fulfill impossible demands, to tolerate false accusations, etc. When living with an abuser we also discover that submitting requires slippery expectations such as we are always wrong, except when we are suddenly required to give the right answer; we are never to notice lies, but we must always be exact and accurate with all of our own words; we are to be silent, except when we are being quizzed; we are stupid, except we are never to make any mistakes. Our reward for all of these types of submissions is to be subject to our abuser’s control--and to intermittently receive his disgust that we are so passive. It’s a vicious no-win situation.



“Submission” is urged in the Bible, is presumed in our laws, and is practiced worldwide in human relationships. We get along by taking turns having authority and obeying whoever judicially uses their authority for the good of the majority. And when the authority misuses their power, there are ways to hold them accountable to certain standards of conduct. When we submit, we willingly do so to have order, safety, and/or mutual respect. When we are forced to submit so that another can do sinful and harmful things, something has gone wrong.

In abusive relationships, the abuser holds himself/herself above any accountability. They use their reign to frighten, coerce, and control others to gain whatever they want, without any regard for the well-being of the other. It took me a long time to realize that what an abuser says he/she wants and what the true motive is are quite different things. Abusers might say, I’m helping you to be a better person when really the objective is to erode away our self-esteem. Maybe abusers say they are sorry they didn’t mean to harm us when the true intent is to prevent us from calling the police. Abusers say we are mistaken about what just happened, the intent is to dismantle our self-trust by showing us how our thoughts, words, and actions are gravely wrong. Some abusers say little but still make sure we get the message that he/she is right and we are wrong; we are weak and he/she is powerful; you have no value and they are doing us the favor of putting up with someone no one else would want to put up with. The controller is relentlessly reframing our sense of reality to undermine our confidence, personal power,  and our resistance.

My healing from abuse has taught me that I do not need to submit to abusive behavior ever again. I do not have to obey that which is unethical, harmful, manipulative, etc. I do not need to submit to another controlling me. I am a grown-up, and I have choices. I can confront wrongdoing, and I can leave when another adult is behaving badly, deceptively, or violently. I have the privilege of deciding whom I will spend time with. I have the freedom to guard my heart from maliciousness. I am not a slave with no voice. God’s gift of free will is a treasure not to waste. “For you did not receive a spirit that makes you again a slave to fear, but you received the spirit of sonship” (Romans 8:15). Goodbye fear, I submit with my free will to follow my God. Goodbye fear, I will no longer let another control me.

My understanding of “Wives submit to your husbands as to the Lord” (Ephesians 5:21), has also changed. This verse used to reinforce my passivity and led to me becoming helpless against sinful treatment. I thought that there was nothing I could do to stop what was happening to me. With God’s patience and help, I have learned to read this verse in its full context. Ephesians 5:19 instructs both male and female believers to “Speak to one another with psalms, hymns, and spiritual songs,” meaning we speak Biblical truth and encouragement to one another. Colossians 3:16 “Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom.”  Wisdom doesn’t include the truth that God created all of us with value and worth. In Ephesians 5:21, Paul emphasizes the main point in his marriage instruction: “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” All Christians should be willing to subordinate their rights when God so leads. But we are never urged to subordinate our rights out of fear of other people. We are to be living from a place of faith-filled courage. God sees our hearts and cares deeply about our reasons for our actions or lack of actions. Wives are to trust God and not forfeit their God-given worth. When I was married to an abusive spouse, I was too frightened and insecure. My silent “submission” was fear-based behavior. I didn’t want to see what punishment my spouse might dispense if I were to speak up assertively. I now believe that the right type of submission involves being an active participant in the relationship and the discussions. It means honoring God above all else and making prudent choices. 

God’s words make it abundantly clear that there are times when submitting blindly is the wrong choice. In the Old Testament (1 Samuel 25), Abigail’s husband, Nabal, is described as wealthy and “surly and mean in his dealings.” David's men had given Nabal’s sheepherders protection for months, yet Nabal refused to re-pay the kindness with a food offering in the prescribed customary way. He violated the cultural norms of treating others with proper respect. Abigail behaved righteously when she took action as an individual (that was not per her husband's will), by approaching David and his warriors with a generous food offering. Her intent was to honor God and express proper gratitude to David and his men. With assertiveness, Abigail urged David to resist his first impulse to punish her household for vengeance for Nabal’s foolish wickedness. Abigail urged David to let go of his impulse for revenge and leave vengeance to God which is God's right alone. David and God were both pleased with Abigail’s humble, righteous behavior. After God himself ended her violent husband’s life, David heard the news and married Abigail who knew from first-hand experience was a righteous, courageous woman. We, too, can be guided by our faith in our trustworthy God and can be assertive with courage to safeguard our households.

In the New Testament (Acts 5), we meet another wife, Sapphira, who has to decide whether to be ruled by fear of her husband, by her greed, or by her faith in God. Her husband, Ananias, told her he would lie to the church elders about the sale price of his land so that he could avoid sharing the whole amount with the church. He wanted to keep profit for his own private use, which was contrary to the rules of their church. He did as he intended, and God’s spirit struck him dead for his dishonesty in his offering to God. Later, Sapphira was summoned and asked if she confirmed her husband’s truthfulness concerning their offering, and she backed her husband’s lies. As a result, God also struck her dead. Clearly, God doesn’t want us to lie to cover up our spouse's lies. He doesn’t want us to passively go along with moral wrongdoing in the name of “submission.”

We can embrace submitting to our spouse for the sake of Christ Jesus on non-moral decisions when we haven’t agreed on the best way to go. But when sin is involved—we can choose to stay aligned with God’s ways and assert what is right. In an abusive home that likely means we will leave the abuser to honor God’s ways—because God expects husbands to treat their wives with love and expects wives to behave righteously even when their spouse doesn’t. If we have submitted to the wrong kind of submission in the past, God is very willing to help us to learn assertiveness. He can strengthen us.  And our courage grows more with the intentional practice of trusting God and doing what is righteous.

How I became a doormat for abusers."> <meta name="description" content=Understanding submission in an abusive relationship."> <Meta name="keywords"content="abuse recovery, abuse dynamics, submission"> </head> <br /> <br /> <div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"> <span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Submission is a concept that is distorted by every abuser.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">  </span>“Submit!” is the command, whether it is voiced or not. By “submit” an abuser demands instant obedience—no matter what.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">  </span>Submit to rape, a physical beating, or non-respectful verbal assaults.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">  </span>Submit to accepting attacks of any kind such as blatant o subtle boundary violations, impossible demands, harsh judgments, and false accusations. When living with an abuser you discover that submitting also seems to require all sorts of slippery details like always be wrong, except when the abuser suddenly wants you to give a correct answer; never notice when the abuser is lying to you, except if he or she is testing you; always be controlled by him or her, accept when he or she suddenly becomes disgusted with your passivity; and perhaps above all else, always trust that your abuser loves you and is taking excellent care of you.<o:p></o:p></span></div> <br /> <div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"> <span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Submission is a word used in the Bible, presumed in our laws and practiced worldwide in human relationships. So what does submission really mean?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">  </span>According to the dictionary, we submit when we yield ourselves to the power or authority of another. <span style="color: #333333;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We are expected to submit to public authority figures for the good of society as a whole. In our public lives, there are provisions for what to do if an authority figure is not behaving in an ethical or legal manner. We can call authority figures into account and hold them accountable to certain standards of conduct. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div> <br /> <div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"> <span style="color: #333333; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">In abusive relationships, however, the abuser holds himself above any accountability and freely enforces his reign by frightening, coercing and controlling others to get whatever he wants. It took me a long time to realize that what an abuser says he wants, and what he actually wants may be quite different. He might say he just wants to help you be a better person, but what he really wants is to erode away your self-esteem so that he can have more power over you. He might say he didn’t mean to harm you, he may actually mean that he doesn’t want you to take any legal actions against him. He might tell you that he just wishes you would behave correctly so that he doesn’t have to keep trying to teach you, in reality he wants you to lose all confidence in yourself and depend on him for all your perceptions. He wants you to learn to disregard what your five senses tell you. He wants you to believe him when he tells you your actions are wrong, your thoughts are wrong and your feelings are wrong. Another abuser may say very little, but still makes sure you get the message that he is right and you are wrong, he has all the power and you are powerless, he can control you in everything and you can’t control him in anything. He can find many creative ways to enforce unchecked power and control over you—until you submit to anything, no matter how immoral or unjust his demand is.<o:p></o:p></span></div> <br /> <div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"> <span style="color: #333333; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">It has been part of my healing process to realize that I do not need to submit to abusive behavior ever again. I do not need to obey unethical demands, I do not need to accept harsh treatment as my due, I do not need to agree with the abuser that he can do whatever he wishes without any negative consequences. As a grown-up, I have choices. I can confront or leave when other adults are behaving badly, I no longer have to keep silent about another’s wrong actions, and I don’t have to blame myself when another takes unwarranted liberties. </span></div> <br /> <div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"> <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"> <a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjZ0HebmqwSQ-pWFrLMVfOcuw1wTbM328tTZRRBv8IFfEW5NxQT7uosCPJqDNgu0iS6PuivPZpXCv1-LiyFpaNB19BrLM-YTA49LLLH0KU1sdu1LG-vjJP45PEF3A0lDnytRSGk9_lRHlE/s1600/Kitten+looking+submissive+on+a+rug_file000471264371.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a> </div> <span style="color: #333333; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">My understanding of scriptural guidelines on marriage has also changed as I have healed. An often-quoted scripture is Ephesians 5: 21: “Wives submit to your husbands as to the Lord.” The way I formerly understood this verse reinforced my passivity and led to me becoming a “doormat,” accepting violent and demeaning behavior as something I could do nothing about. <table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody> <tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhE4GyiynYNjZIOjTvtnYtrHY__gr6QLaeKLkj-PVLHSKQQzgA5yX5WQbZ3HBkg09gkS0u4EvcqzItgE-ZUvsdUfNqIe4yNDvflX00AAecMXZ0SBhLVu2p9m5ijzXWle-mxdXypBriOPJ8/s1600/Dog+laying+on+doormat_file7041294275105.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhE4GyiynYNjZIOjTvtnYtrHY__gr6QLaeKLkj-PVLHSKQQzgA5yX5WQbZ3HBkg09gkS0u4EvcqzItgE-ZUvsdUfNqIe4yNDvflX00AAecMXZ0SBhLVu2p9m5ijzXWle-mxdXypBriOPJ8/s320/Dog+laying+on+doormat_file7041294275105.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr> <tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Photo by Seemann, morguefile.com</td></tr> </tbody></table> With God’s patience and help I have learned to read this verse in its full context. Ephesians 5:19 instructs all believers to “Speak to one another with psalms, hymns, and spiritual songs,” indicating that we speak Biblical truth and encouragement to one another. Colossians 3:16 amplifies on this, “Let word of Christ dwell in you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom.” Neither verse describes a relationship that is one-sided, with one person controlling the other. <o:p></o:p></span></div> <br /> <div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"> <span style="color: #333333; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">God cares about our motives behind our behavior as well.  Why we're submitting matters. Ephesians 5:21 instructs, “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” All Christians should be willing to subordinate their rights out of their respect for God. In Ephesians 4:2, the motives we are to act from are spelled out clearly: “be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.” God helped me to realize that there wasn't anything loving about letting another person act in immoral ways against me. </span><br /> <span style="color: #333333; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"></span><br /> <span style="color: #333333; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Paul urges a wife to submit to her husband (Ephesians 5:22-24) to allow her husband to function as  the head of the family. I’ve learned over the years that God does not mean by these verses that wives are to submit because they are inferior to their husbands in intelligence or understanding. When I was married to an abusive spouse, I too frightened and insecure to be a full partner. This was the way the abuser desired things to be, and I did my best to believe that I was obeying and honoring God with  my lack of assertiveness. In truth, my silence was actually motivated mostly by fear of what my husband would do to me if I disobeyed or expressed my opinion or made a direct request. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ve discovered that the more closely I walk with God, the less I am driven by fear and the more I am empowered by the Holy Spirit to share with my husband my observations, my reasoning, my needs, and my feelings. I now see it as my responsibility to continue being an active participant and partner with submission meaning  that if we are not on agreement on a non-moral issue, I can set aside what I want as an act of love and humbleness. </span></div>
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