Thursday, June 13, 2013

Liar, Liar, Wish Your Pants were on Fire

I recently saw a TV program with an excellent example of a skillful liar. The scene involved a straight-talking friend and a liar. The friend asked a direct question about whether he was involved in a dangerous situation. The liar gave a clever non-answer: "Wouldn't I tell you if that was so?" The friend tried with another direct question: "Are you saying you knew nothing about this problem?" The practiced liar responded vaguely again, "I believe that is what I implied."
What he implied? What kind of answer is that? A statement of truth? No! Did he make the friend feel like a heel for asking the original question? Yes. Liars are wily. They know how to evade honest answers and make others feel guilty for doubting their integrity. This reminds me of so many conversations with the abusers of my past.

Most people want to believe and trust others, so it can take a long time to acknowledge when someone regularly lies to us or about us. Unfortunately, when we finally understand how compulsive the other person's lying is, we've already stomached many lies.

Wiley as a fox? Beware!
Photo by Tomáš Malík: https://www.pexels.com



Some clues that another is lying:
1. Won't give you a direct answer. Instead, the liar provides an answer that implies something or steers you toward believing something they are intentionally not saying.
2. The story changes as it is retold.
3. She speaks so many words about something trivial that you never finish asking the question you wanted.
4. He blends some accurate details with some sound-like-it-could-be-true details.
5. She frequently changes the subject, leading everyone far away from the serious concern.
6. You hear him say things regularly to others that totally misrepresent what you know to be the truth. If he lies regularly to others, he'll lie to you, too.
7. If she regularly says, "You don't trust me," "You offend me," "Of course, you would think that," or "I can't believe you'd think I was lying, "then be wary. The liar is focused on getting the spotlight off of himself and onto you.
8. He frequently leaves you in a state of confusion. When you try to ask a question, the response is so convoluted or condescending that you suspect you are not qualified to ask any questions, and you drop the subject.
9. When nothing makes sense, she may be hiding the truth. While speaking, it seems like honest communication--but after she leaves the room, you are unsure what she just said. She sounded sincere, but what did she just say? Did she admit anything? Did she clear things up?
10. His version of the story sounds so sincere it hurts to keep pressing for answers. If the story doesn't line up with known facts, it is the story that is fishy. For example, he says he needs you to pay because he has no money, and half an hour later, you see that he has lots of money in his wallet.
11. When she keeps telling you that "they" messed up, you should wonder. "The credit card company made a mistake; why would I go to a hotel?"
12. If someone says, "You don't believe me? Then call my boss!" That's a dare he doesn't want you to accept. Take it literally: Call and check.


Above all else, trust your gut. If you keep getting the impression that you're being lied to, most likely you are. 

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It would be so much easier if their pants really did catch on fire or their noses would grow.
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