I Lost Myself

Photo by Jonathan Borba

While I lived with an abuser, I lost myself:

• Pleasing the abuser became more important than knowing what I thought or desired.
• Hiding from the painful truth became more important than paying attention to my emotions. I became emotionally numb.
• Believing the abuser meant suspending reality to embrace irrational beliefs and conflicting stories.
• Staying really busy meant I didn't have time to think about what kind of life I was living.
• Taking care of others became essential, and self-care became almost non-existent.
• Having needs wasn't allowed, so I just ignored my needs until I didn't even know that I had any needs.
• Saying I was fine when I really wasn't helped me enter a land of continual fogginess.
• I forgot what made me happy.
• I forgot my likes and dislikes. All that mattered was what the abuser didn't like about me.
• I couldn't think of even five things that I liked about myself.
• My mind was continually on the alert for danger.
• I couldn't sleep soundly because the abuse happened during the night, too.
• I couldn't problem-solve effectively. I was paralyzed by fear.
• Choices seemed almost impossible. I didn't know my own mind or heart most of the time. 

As I have recovered from abuse, I have re-discovered myself and have grown to like myself just the way I am. 

Is it Abuse?

I never used the word abuse until I had left the abusers behind and had spent years actively working on healing. When you're living in abuse, it is difficult to correctly identify your situation as abuse. Our mind works hard to protect us, the abuser works hard to confuse us, and our emotions have packed up and aren't giving us any input.

Photo by Pixabay: https://www.pexels.com

Look at yourself. Have you experienced these things?

• You always seem to be wrong about almost everything. And the other person is definitely always right.
• You find yourself apologizing daily and may have built up to apologizing every hour of every day. Sometimes, you wonder why you just apologized for something you didn't do or say.
• You often believe you must have misunderstood what the other just said. You must have. 
• You're okay. A long flat line of okay and a complete absence of feeling word vocabulary.
• You have bruises you hide.
• You find it difficult to make any choices. 
• You seem to have become "too sensitive" because that's what you're told whenever you realize you feel hurt by the other's words or actions.
• You spend lots of energy trying to make the other happy--but you fail regularly.
•  You think your spouse might have some sort of anger issue, but it isn't loving to talk about it
• You feel restricted. Your partner has become the one who decides how you dress, who you talk to, where you go, how much you can spend, etc.
• You often feel confused. Things just don't add up. Your partner or parent must be telling you the truth--but it doesn't make sense.
• You often feel small and stupid when you're at home. 
• You often feel like you're walking on eggshells.
• Every time the other is nicer or neutral, you hope things will improve.
• You try hard, so hard, to prevent the other from being upset again, but it is never enough to last.
• You feel sorry for the person you're living with. Life seems so painful for him or her. If only you could get him or her to see how much you love him or her, then he or she would feel better and behave better.
• Sometimes, you wonder if you're going crazy.
• You've become afraid to answer his or her questions directly--you've learned that any answer you give will likely lead to trouble you don't want.
• Your love for the other person feels really big--no matter how he or she treats you.
• The longer you live with this person, the smaller, dumber, uglier, and more incompetent you feel. You feel powerless.
• You feel shame. You think it must be your fault--you don't really know how it is your fault, but you still think it must be what you deserve.
• You feel sure you're not supposed to talk to anyone else about what is happening in your home. It feels dangerous to admit what your life behind closed doors is truly like.

Look at how your partner/spouse/parent/friend behaves:

• He or she traps you during disagreements--blocking the exit.
• He or she grabs you, pushes you, trips you, or hits you.
• He or she threatens to harm your pet, your children, your siblings, or yourself.
• He or she coerces you to do sexual things you don't want to do.
• He or she seems like two different people--a nice person and a cruel person.
• He or she tells you frequently what you think and feel (You're not cold. You aren't thirsty.)
• He or she rages at you for long periods.
• There are two sets of rules. One for you and one for the other. The other is the one who is the expert on all rules. He or she gets upset frequently.
• He or she punishes you as if you were a bad child.
• He or she regularly breaks promises frequently.
• When upset, he or she pounds walls, tables, steering wheels, etc.
• He or she blames the world. Nothing ever seems to be their fault.
• He or she either never apologizes or apologizes frequently with tears--either way, their wrong behavior continues.
• He or she regularly belittles you.
• He or she abuses alcohol or drugs and then goes into rages or hyper-controlling behavior.
• He or she is chronically suspicious of your motives.
• He or she was abused as a child and hasn't healed.
• He or she uses non-verbal messages to control you in public.
• When he or she does something cruel, seconds later, he or she acts like it never happened.
• You end up in a worse position whenever you try to confront the other.
• He or she throws things when he or she is upset.
• If he or she says grass is purple, you must agree or risk being harmed or belittled.

I hope that this helps someone identify his or her situation. The first list includes common victim experiences, and the second list includes some common abuser behaviors. 

Awareness is the first step to making new and different choices. If you are new to acknowledging abuse, please seek counseling support and remember that you can call the  National Domestic Violence hotline (800-799-7233) any time of day or night. Reaching out for help and support is the first step to a future that will be so much better than your present. If you left abuse and are trying to face your past, these types of lists can help you to face the facts of your trauma and help you to keep on processing what happened.

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Child's Secret Song

I didn't want you
to touch me like that
I didn't invite you
to make me powerless

I don't like you the same
as I did before you began
secret games and punishments
I like you, but I hate you too

I said no
But you wouldn't listen
You threatened me
And over-rode my will

You were bigger than me
You should have known better
You hurt me
You broke me

I may be small
but I'm still a person
I can say no and be right
I will tell others what you've done

Photo by Murry Lee: https://www.pexels.com

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