I Lost Myself

While I lived with an abuser, I lost myself:

• Pleasing the abuser became more important than knowing what I thought or desired.
• Hiding from the painful truth became more important than paying attention to my emotions. I became emotionally numb.
• Believing the abuser meant suspending reality to embrace irrational beliefs and conflicting stories.
• Staying really busy meant I didn't have time to think about what kind of life I was living.
• Taking care of others became essential and self-care became mostly non-existent.
• Having needs wasn't allowed, so I just ignored my needs until I didn't even know that I had any needs.
• Saying I was fine when I really wasn't, helped me enter a land of continual fogginess.
• I forgot what made me happy.
• I forgot my likes and dislikes. All that mattered was what the abuser didn't like about me.
• I couldn't think of even five things that I liked about myself.
• My mind was continually on the alert for danger.
• I couldn't sleep soundly because abuse happened during the night too.
• I couldn't problem solve effectively. I was paralyzed by fear.
• Choices seemed almost impossible. I didn't know my own mind or heart most of the time. 

As I have recovered from abuse, I have re-discovered myself and have grown to like myself just the way I am.