Working Backwards

Have you ever lost something and then walked yourself backwards through your day mentally, trying to figure out what happened? Sometimes walking backwards through other processes is easier as well. In the last post, I talked abut how beliefs influence our feelings and our feelings motivate behavior. Sometimes when I notice an unhealthy behavior pattern I am repeating, I start with the behavior and search backwards because I don't know why I am behaving as I am. I look at the behavior, figure out what feelings lead to the behavior and then search for the beliefs that fueled those feelings. To help myself examine an unwanted behavior I make a worksheet for myself:

Behavior I wish to change:

Feelings that lead me into this behavior:

Beliefs influencing me to feel that way:

Healing Formula

Beliefs lead to Emotion which lead to Behaviors

Many counselors teach that beliefs shape our emotional responses and our emotions then drive our behavior. When abuse occurs, however, it shuts down easy access to internal information about feelings and beliefs. It is a survival mechanism to help one survive overwhelming trauma. A major key to healing is to begin noticing how we behave, name our feelings and identify our beliefs that are driving us. New beliefs can be chosen and that in turn will change our feelings and our behavior choices.

I believe each human being has her/his own unique combination of responses to abuse. Certain universal patterns of victim behavior have been identified by psychologists but exactly how your thinking has been shaped by abuse incidents has individual personality wrapped up along with it. For maximum healing, you need to be willing to do detective work within yourself to figure out what you believed when you were abused.

To give you an idea of how complex it can be, here is a chart I’ve put together to show just a few typical victim behaviors and possible beliefs:

Belief	Distrusts	Other Feelings	Current Behavior
Everyone is dangerous.	Others	Fear	Dresses in loose, baggy clothing and picks an ugly hairstyle.
Everyone is dangerous.	Others	Anger	Is suspicious and frequently gets in fights.
Everyone is dangerous.	Others	Numbness	Withdraws from “real life” with depression or compulsive behaviors
The abuse is my fault. I was too attractive.	Self	Fear	Keep extra weight on to hide beauty.
The abuse is my fault. I wanted to be loved.	Self	Anger	Dress provocatively or flirt incessantly.
The abuse is my fault. I wanted to be loved.	Self	Anger	Refuse to love anymore.
The abuse is my fault. I was too weak.	Self	Fear	Obsessive with weight lifting.
I will never be a victim again.	Others	Fear & Anger	Earn black belt
I will never be a victim again.	Others	Fear & Anger	Become cold and prickly around others.
I am bad.	Self	Worthlessness	Abuse self with addictions or self-injury
I cannot deal with the pain.	Self	Fear	Become mentally ill.
I cannot deal with the pain.	Self	Fear	Become alcoholic.
I cannot deal with the pain.	Self	Fear	Become a workaholic.

Healing begins in earnest when we can truthfully examine ourselves. How we felt or what we believed at the time of the abuse does not need to remain fixed. By changing what we believe, we can change how we feel about the abuse in the present and how we will behave in the future: Changed Beliefs leads to New Feelings which leads to Healthier Behavior.

Movie Therapy

Good movies affect our emotions. Remember the last movie that brought a smile or deep belly laughter? Can you think of movies that lift your spirits or move you to tears? Why not use movie-watching to help along your healing process?

When you need to cry but just can't, rent a tear-jerker.

When you need to lighten up and put hard emotional work on the shelf for an evening, try comedy. Try G and PG movies--family movies and old Bob Hope, Danny Kaye, Lucille Ball, or Jerry Lewis movies. Honor your sense of humor. Don't force slapstick humor on yourself if intellectual humor is more your style. If you always thought it was more acceptable to enjoy verbal-jousting humor but you truly enjoy silly humor best--liberate your silly streak. If you are down but know you won't be able to laugh yet, try a movie that has a good-feeling ending (movies where characters overcome some obstacle).

For current movies, take the time to read movie reviews and ratings to maximize your chances of reaching your emotional goal. Ask God to help you to find the right movie. Remember, laughter is very healing--if the reason for laughing does not feel "wrong."

If you have suffered sexual abuse, I urge you to stay away from sexual humor and R or X ratings. Your goal is to help yourself relax and laugh, not to trigger gross feelings, bad memories, flashbacks, or PTSD panic (post traumatic stress disorder). If you were verbally abused, I would recommend staying away from humor that is based on cussing or making fun of others. If you are a Satanic ritual abuse survivor, then I would recommend staying away from any movie that includes sex, supernatural powers, or a demonic being. If you were abused by an alcoholic, then "drinking party" humor probably will not be humorous for you. Respect yourself and your past as you watch movies. If you pick a movie that you thought would be fine and it has content that is unexpected and upsetting--give yourself permission to walk out of the theater or turn off the vcr/dvd and then journal or talk to a friend about what upset you. After you are feeling better, you can watch a movie you have seen before and know is helpful.

Give it a try. Watching a good movie is a great tool to add to your healing toolbox.


Here are some movies that consistently move my emotions (just remember that your taste might be quite different than mine):
Sad: Steel Magnolias, Old Yeller, The Long Walk Home, We are Marshall
Funny: Princess Diaries, The Inspector's General (with Danny Kaye), Sahara, Singing in the Rain, Hitch, The Court Jester, Sister Act, RV, Short Circuit, While You Were Sleeping
Good-feeling/inspiring: The Rescuers, Cool Runnings, Pride, Freedom Writers (also sad parts and people overcoming abuse), Heidi, Sound of Music, Radio, The Cutting Edge, The Mighty Ducks, Miracle, Hoosiers, Last Holiday
Sad moments and funny moments, ends happily: Galaxy Quest, Kate and Leopold, The Bells of St. Marys, It's a Wonderful Life, No Reservations, The Pursuit of Happiness, You've Got Mail, Groundhog Day, Three Musketeers (Disney)

What if...

Many inventions, novels, and businesses have been birthed from someone asking, “What if…?” Recently I asked myself questions about what would happen if I tried out some new behaviors, what if… I can tell already the questions are going to lead to more healing and character growth.

I’m wondering how much my relationships might improve if I stopped making excuses for people when they behave poorly. What if I didn’t “rescue them” (in order to save myself from feeling angry or hurt)? I thought I had gotten rid of all codependent thinking years ago, but this behavior still crops up.

That first question made me realize that another related remnant from the past needs addressing too. What if I stopped monitoring family members’ emotions too closely, while simultaneously losing touch with my own feelings? It’s no longer a daily behavior. But when I am stressed, it is so easy to slide down into the old way of coping. What if I worked once again on staying tuned into my own state, especially when I am stressed? I bet it would improve my relationships. I know it would increase my ability to meet my own needs properly.

Just asking the questions has me motivated to do some more learning and growing. How about you? Do you also have self-protection behaviors you want to explore? “What if…?” is a great tool to get you started.

Power

Abuse convinces us that we are powerless to help ourselves and, at the same time, leads us to believe we have more power over others than we really do. Ironic, isn’t it. Most abuse victims and survivors struggle with assuming full responsibility for other people’s actions. The truth is that we are not that powerful.

We cannot make others do anything. Ask any parent of teens. They can influence by giving loving encouragements and appropriate consequences. But they cannot guarantee that their child will not buy cigarettes.

Each person operates within their own free will (consciously or unconsciously). It is not our sole responsibility when a relationship succeeds or fails—relationship implies two people are involved. It is not within our power to dictate the thoughts, feelings, attitudes, beliefs, and actions of anyone besides ourselves. We do not make other people abuse us. What we wore or thought or said on a particular day did not turn a non-abusive person into a sex-offender, batterer, or incest perpetrator.

Repeat to yourself, “I cannot control an abusive person. I can make better choices for myself.” You have the power to decide many things that could change your future, including who to share your thoughts with, when to walk away from verbal junk, where to live and with whom, whether to cover for an abusers lies, when to seek help, etc.

When we focus on trying to control other people’s choices we waste our power. To truly experience life-changing impact we must consciously direct our own choice-making. We can help ourselves and influence others—when we are courageous enough to make decisions about what we will and will not do.

God is Here

Abuse damages our ability to trust anyone. When significant people in our lives abuse us, it twists our walk with God. It is easy for victims to put God in the same group with those who have let us down. We wonder why he let others do wicked things to us. We tend to fear that God may approve with how others have misused us. Even if we manage to trust God to a certain extent (like believing that He will let us into heaven after we die), we are haunted by distrust. He loves us, we accept that--but will he help us?

Help is what so many of us wanted but were afraid to ask for directly. And the few victims who do ask God for help are often frustrated at the type of help He offers.

Sometimes when we want miraculous intervention, God gives us His presence and His strength to overcome the horrible trials. Sometimes we are praying for action right now, and instead God sets in motion a slow journey out of abuse and into healing. Sometimes we ask God to save our broken marriage or to set us free from abusive parents, and instead, God focuses on redeeming our relationship with Him. He answers our requests for help from His big picture perspective.

The Bible is full of God's reassurance that He is with us always. He is ready to help, we just need to ask. When we ask, however, we need to trust Him. We need to believe that He is good and that He has a good plan. If we feel unable to trust so deeply, however, we still have hope. We can ask God to enable us to trust Him. He knows why it is challenging for abuse victims to trust and He is happy to strengthen our faith. He can help us to be fearless in trusting him.

"God is there, ready to help;
I'm fearless no matter what.
Who or what can get to me?”

Hebrews 13:6 (The Message Bible)