Myths I Told Myself

I told myself myths to try to make sense out of my confusing marriage. I didn't recognize the role of myth-telling in supporting my denial.

Photo by George Shervashidze

I told myself:

• My spouse really does love me
• I must have heard him incorrectly
• I must be misunderstanding him
• Since we love each other, everything will work out
• He tells me the truth about myself
• He tells me the truth about himself
• He doesn't mean what he just said
• He would never do that thing he just threatened
• He just needs lots of my love to shore up his insecurity
• My love and God's love will change him
• He didn't mean to hurt me
• He won't do this ever again
• His tears mean that things are going to change for the better
• His tears mean that he really does care and wants to do better
• When things don't add up, it's because I'm stupid
• When he is in a better job environment, he will start be less angry
• If I would be more perfect, he wouldn't need to be angry with me
• If I forgive him, he will have the courage to stop exploding
• He just has an anger issue
• Good wives hang in their no matter how miserable a marriage is
• I just need to focus on his good qualities
• He's trying to do better
• It can't be abuse

It was abuse. His love wasn't healthy. And all my wishful thinking made no difference at all. Facing the truth is what changed my life for the better. When I stepped out of denial, I was able to make new choices and free myself and my children from the abuser.