Helping Abused Kids Heal

Finding out that our child has been abused changes our life. It is a very emotional and bumpy road. No parent wants to see their children harmed. The pain of it is immense. There is no way to know how deep the pain is until you have to walk it.

I know that pain intimately. All my children had experiences with abusers. When two of the children courageously spoke up about their abuse, the others were empowered to share their stories, too. As a former abuse victim, this was my worst nightmare. We called the police to report the crimes and found counselors who were experienced in this type of trauma. Over 20 years ago, I spent over three years driving six children to counseling over 40 hours a week.  It was exhausting. It was a rollercoaster of hope, despair, and then more hope. Sometimes, I wondered if it was worth it and felt guilty for thinking such a thing.  The mental health and recovery of my children were my most important goals --but at times, I felt like I lived in a mental ward. After all, none of my children threatened suicide, cut themselves, or skipped school before I sought trauma counseling for them. I wondered if the hours in counselors' offices were helping the children to heal or whether it was making them worse. However, the psychologists reassured me that what we were experiencing was typical for the type of trauma that had been sustained; it was part of the process of no longer denying the pain. And so I trudged on and prayed that my children would find peace again. I prayed that God would work even through these horrible experiences for the well-being of my family.

Now, I can see that this counseling investment in the children's futures paid off abundantly.  My kids remembered what happened, and they always would, but much of the pain was released, and the internal wounds became more bearable. My kids have struggled with acting out at different times. Their self-esteem and trust-ability took big hits from the abuse. But with the counseling, my husband and I were educated on what to expect and were, therefore, more able to be there for our hurting kids. After they had processed their trauma with the help of a professional counselor in play therapy,  they began to feel much better. They started moving into the future again with new skills intact.

Meanwhile, as parents, we offered lots of support, including hugs, stable everyday routines, sitting with them, playing with them, running with them, or shooting basketballs when the stress was too high. We prayed for healing, and our family received healing.

Our children learned new coping skills from counselors that they carried into adulthood. My kids overcame a significant amount of shame and regained the ability to trust themselves and others. And I watched wounded children turn into compassionate children and later into kind, empathetic adults. I watched the whole family grow in understanding healthy boundaries. 

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Counseling with psychologists who were trained to work with trauma patients helped my children to accept what had happened and grow from it. Niaveness was gone. Innocence was lost. However, positive self-care grew, compassion for hurting people deepened, and family bonds were strengthened. My kids became convinced of the truth--that abuse is caused solely by the abuser. The child who was afraid of his bed at night re-learned how to sleep in bed. The child who skipped school learned that his parents,  school administrators, and teachers cared for his well-being. The child who retreated into silence rediscovered her voice. The child who felt lots of fear found comfort with the support of siblings. The child who raged learned to take personal responsibility for his feelings and found new ways to release his normal feelings. The teen who felt like her world was shattered discovered that she was stronger than she thought. 

Photo by Suleman Mukhtar

As a family, we dealt with the abuse. Healing came. Our children are too precious to sweep things under the rug; we can use our courage to support them in their recovery process. When we do this, our children have a much greater chance of a rewarding adult life that is free of abuse. Children who receive no support may seem to "get over it," but really, they merely survive and carry the pain and dysfunction of unresolved childhood trauma into adulthood. That's not what any of us want for our children. So bravely confront what you never wanted to see happen to your child/children. It is worth every heartache, every penny, and every ounce of energy to ensure that trauma recovery takes place for your special little ones.

Photo by Pixabay

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