Photo by Fernando Capetillo
Abusers use isolation as a tool to make their victims more vulnerable and easier to manipulate. It is to their advantage and not ours. To end our isolation takes sustained effort. Thankfully, we can begin taking baby steps. When we live with an abuser, we have to find moments to talk with others, and we can seek personal counseling to explore what we're experiencing and what we can do about it.
During abuse recovery, it is part of the healing process to step out of isolation. I found it easier said than done. I recognized the problem for years before I began figuring things out. The abuser created the cage of isolation, but eventually, I continued keeping myself in isolation out of fear, low feelings of self-worth, and being an expert at hiding my true feelings. Victims can also keep others away with distrust signals, self-pity parties, and unregulated anxiety and/or depression. We want to get close to others, but it feels risky and difficult.
How do we usher Isolation out of the door of our hearts? It takes time. It requires knowing God is on our side. It is necessary to come to an understanding that the majority of people on our planet want to be good people. The abusers are not the majority. We can find non-abusive people, kind people, and respectful people. We don't have to live our future as we have lived our past. We can make small shifts that will eventually become new habits. There is hope.
Photo by Gary Barnes
I hope you will feel encouraged by knowing that you are not alone. Here are ten things that I've figured out so far:
- Remind yourself regularly that God is with those who trust in Him. He sees you, knows you, and loves you. Since he does, we can learn to let others into our thoughts, feelings, and experiences through practice. We don't start with our whole life history. We start with little statements like "Snow falling always brightens my day."
- Ask others about themselves. Listen to understand their hearts. Each person is unique and interesting. Find out what they enjoy and what challenges them. We each interpret things differently, so enjoy being curious. Go ahead and ask for more details: "I didn't realize you ran track in High School. Which events were your specialty?" Listen to the answer and then proceed to dig a little: "What did you enjoy about running?"
- Share about yourself with feeling words and word pictures to help your listener understand your heart. For a long time, I spoke about things I deeply felt but didn't use any feeling words. We may be really good at picking up on others' unspoken feelings (it was a necessary survival tool while living with abuse), but lots of people don't detect unspoken emotions. If you want to truly connect, it requires being vulnerable about what you are feeling. Word pictures can be a helpful way to connect with what you're experiencing, such as, "I felt like a driver whose car hits black ice and goes careening off the road. I felt terrified that I was losing control. I threw rock after rock into a river to release my angry feelings. I hadn't realized how much anger I was holding onto."
- Battle with your inner critic, who might tell you that no one wants to hear anything you have to say. That inner voice is wrong. People are interested in people. Maybe your inner critic gives you other unkind messages. Take time to hear what passes through your brain when considering speaking. Tell the nasty messages, "Enough, Inner Critic! Those kind of comments don't help."
- Notice your defensive victim behaviors and gently work on letting go of them. All former victims have protective behaviors; the trick is paying attention to ourselves enough to see them. We may hide our face behind our long hair, stare down when speaking, speak too quietly to be heard well, cross our arms over our gut, clench our fists, fidget with our hands, apologize 50 times a day, use a pity-party tone of voice, use a harsh tone of voice, criticize ourselves before anyone else gets a chance, clench our jaws, have our shoulders up by our ears, or hunch our shoulders. These and other behaviors are unconscious, understandable attempts to protect ourselves. If we don't live in abuse anymore, they get in our way of presenting our open, friendly, approachable selves in conversation. Do experiments of letting go of the no-longer-needed behaviors? It will pay off. Be gentle, though, because it takes time and practice.
- Ask directly for what you need (a hug, a listening ear, an opinion, someone to hear you, or advice). In abuse, there is no room for a victim to have needs. We can become experts at being deaf to our own needs. So, this is a challenging change. We must first learn to recognize what we want and what we need. Then, we can ask trustworthy people for what we want or need. The other may not know what we're looking for if we don't ask. They can't read your mind, no matter how much you wish they could. Asking is a vulnerable thing, but it is the gateway to more connection.
- Be willing to say something differently if your listener doesn't understand what you're trying to say on your first try. We are well-trained in dropping it. We have had too many experiences of being shut down, ignored, and punished for our words. To turn it around, we must remember that non-abusive people often want to hear what we say. Sometimes, our listener is too caught up in their thoughts or picturing something very different from what we actually mean and giving them a second shot to hear your heart can be pretty rewarding.
- Remember that you are not responsible for others' responses to something you say (that is their responsibility). You are responsible for your motives and choice of words, not their reactions, which may not have anything to do with you. When communication doesn't go as planned, we must remember that human communication is complicated and can get messy. There is always another day or another person to try to talk with, though. Every conversation doesn't need to be excellent.
- We have stories to tell that are more difficult, so bathe yourself and others with grace. Try to pick safe people and safe moments to share some of your abuse stories, understanding that it is hard for others to hear. Our society would prefer that such stories weren't true. People may feel sorrow or anger when they hear of your trauma. But the trauma does need to be shared to heal. I don't have all the answers, but counseling helps, and caring people help. Remember that friends and family aren't your counselors, but you have as much right as they do to share your life stories. Focus on sharing with friends or family members who are kind, caring individuals. Share a little something and see how they respond. If someone who is generally kind doesn't seem to respond to what we've shared or makes a trite comment, remember that they may feel their own buried pain or may have no clue what to say, or they may have confused ideas about abuse. We don't need everyone to understand. We just need a few people in our lives to understand what we're recovering from is substantial. It is healing to experience how others respond to your experience; it can help you extend more kindness to yourself.
- Remember that most people feel insecure at times. We all feel awkward or unsure of what to say next, and it's okay. It really is.
Comments Welcomed:
I hope you find these tips helpful. I'd love to hear about your experiments and successes with stepping out of isolation. Do you have other ideas that work for you?
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