Photo by Sofia Alejandra: https://www.pexels.com/photo/photo-of-woman-sitting-on-floor-3007355/
After leaving abuse, one might guess that confidence and self-esteem would change quickly for the better. It does improve slightly...but it takes years to recover and heal enough to have our deep inner convictions about ourselves agree with who God says we are. Until our view is transformed piece by piece, the messages from our Abuser (s) live inside us.
Confidence has been one of the last pieces of healing for me. Along the way, God had to help me clear many roadblocks. I needed to realize how much abusers' words lived on inside of my mind and heart. I had believed the words they had spoken. I had internalized them. I explored one set of damaging words after another and asked, "Who said that? Was that person a good role model of healthy living? From an adult perspective, did I think the words were honest, accurate, or loving?" If some part of me still wonders if the words were justified, is it my healthiest self wondering, or is it my wounded heart that questions it? What does God's word say about how He sees me? God's word says we are sinners like all people, but we are all fearfully and wonderfully made. We are all eligible to receive God's love, grace, and forgiveness. As Christ-believers, we are also redeemed by Him, sealed with the Holy Spirit, washed clean of our sins, and pure in His sight.
After leaving abuse, one might guess that confidence and self-esteem would change quickly for the better. It does improve slightly...but it takes years to recover and heal enough to have our deep inner convictions about ourselves agree with who God says we are. Until our view is transformed piece by piece, the messages from our Abuser (s) live inside us.
Confidence has been one of the last pieces of healing for me. Along the way, God had to help me clear many roadblocks. I needed to realize how much abusers' words lived on inside of my mind and heart. I had believed the words they had spoken. I had internalized them. I explored one set of damaging words after another and asked, "Who said that? Was that person a good role model of healthy living? From an adult perspective, did I think the words were honest, accurate, or loving?" If some part of me still wonders if the words were justified, is it my healthiest self wondering, or is it my wounded heart that questions it? What does God's word say about how He sees me? God's word says we are sinners like all people, but we are all fearfully and wonderfully made. We are all eligible to receive God's love, grace, and forgiveness. As Christ-believers, we are also redeemed by Him, sealed with the Holy Spirit, washed clean of our sins, and pure in His sight.
Learning about "projection" helped me to take things less personally. When someone thrusts their undesirable emotions onto us, they are projecting. When they are being selfish, they accuse you of being selfish; when scared, they tell us of being "a baby"; when they are overly dependent, they tell us that we are needy. Acknowledging that angry people who aren't responsible for their emotions tend to blame others also helped me to see how inaccurate we humans can be with our words. I realized eventually that I tended to look to others to validate my worth. As a result, I soaked up toxic behavior and words like a sponge. I had thought that elders and men in general had the right to define who I was. When I was abused, I believed it must be my fault. I had to remind myself as I healed that abuse is never justified.
A Lone Hiker on a Difficult Journey with its Own Rewards
Photo by Simon Berger: https://www.pexels.com
It was an arduous journey.I had to let go of believing I was less valuable than everyone else. I had to keep reading God's words and posting them on my bathroom mirror: "I am fearfully and wonderfully made." It wasn't easy to let go of the negative thoughts about myself. The message that I wasn't enough was very strong. I had to practice telling myself, "You are enough, even though you don't feel like it." I practiced telling myself that all of us humans are equal before God, so it was alright to see myself as equal and release false feelings of inferiority. I would make progress, then regress some, then progress more--over and over. Irritating? Yes! But also productive. When I looked back as short as two years ago, I would have to admit that I was progressing in believing I had value, the same as everyone else.
I felt shocked when I listened to myself enough to realize that I had lied to myself for years. My brain said that I was ugly, stupid, a b____, unloveable, irritating, and other untruths. I wasn't any of those things. I was just a typical female. I made significant strides forward when I pulled out a photo of me as a five-year-old. I had a big smile on my face. That child looked loveable. That child, who was me, didn't look evil and deserving of abuse. I looked through photo albums and saw what I looked through as I aged. I felt surprised to really see myself as I was, not as I had decided I must be based on others' words and actions.
Heavenly Father, please help us to see ourselves through your eyes. You say we are imperfect but that you love us. Please help us to believe you fully. What abusers said and did to our bodies and minds wasn't right. They acted out of their sinfulness, not Your truth and grace. You are our Lord, not our abusers. You are slow to anger, gracious, and righteous. We trust you to strengthen us (bit by bit) as we walk a difficult road of recovery. It is comforting to know as we trudge that You are with us, before us, and behind us. Amen.
Conversation Welcomed:
Which quotes in the Bible have helped you reclaim your real identity? Which words are you currently working on letting go of?
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